Maybe I'm just too sensitive a person, too emotional and feel too much. Not that I want to, but because I was born such, with a very soft heart. Don't say I'm flattering myself, coz it's actually better not to be this way.

I am worried about some things now. Thw ever worrie wart, but here I go. Realli was brooding over these during mass today, with "heart of Worhship' playing at the back... I sang the ad-lips impromptu, to God during the song coz i really needed to get it out of my system. I felt a little better after offering my voice up to HIM.

JOB-I'm definitely not gonna do it for much longer. Ive given it alot alot of thought, and no, in the long run I just don't see myself doing any of this crap anymore. What is worrying me is now, what do i go for??? I wanted to take up something part time..and gig together. but I know i need a stable income, esp to safe guard myself.... from.,..any unforseen things happening. Also, coz I wana STUDY again. It's so upsetting. Im sick of hearing all the stuff from everyone. I'm sick and tired of pleasing, tired of trying to BE the character or whoever people ant me to be...having to answer to everyone, and be criticised, and put down.

FRIENDS- I guess like stef said, frends realli come and go. I think in this area im realli weak now. I cant take another blow of friends leaving me. I understand when life's paths change and we go onto other things.. ive learnt to accept tht, but I can't take another blow of leaving on purpose. Harri's bday, was realli a blow to me. I was actually terribly upset he didnt show up. I am still. Im happy now tht Harri and I and the gang are olrite.. but when i think back on last yr, I fear the same things happening. It's a constant fear... like the more serious wei and i get, the more i fear and think what wud happen if one day smth happens and i lose him? The only love or person outside family tht is stable for me..coz even family isnt gonna be there for you always. and stef agrees. If I cud make a wish and keep it as a prayer, I pray and wish tht Harri, the rest tht remain, me and dear, will stay together for a long long long time..coz i realli love them.

SICK- During mass, the prayer intention for the sick reminded me of dear's dad, and mel's father. What wud happen if they leave this world? Im worried for mel. I'll always be here for her.. but the distance has kept us far apart and ive accepted it. I won't be sending her off.. but I wish her the very best and hope her ride wont be as stormy as Joyce's... Im still wondering whats gonan heppen to joyce......

I told myself I'd never fall off with father and mother over other people, over me.. but it keeps happening. I have decided not to care what they think of me anymore... it's pointless. My current job has made me feel empty, unhappy, unhealthy, sick, and no zest for everything else tht i love anymore--even church. It was onli during "Heart of Worship' today tht I felt tht vigour of faith in me again. Thank you Lord. How apt tht we had tht song.. like for Big Sam, tht song was his melancholic reminder tht he still has God. We also sang " Thy Word" and the lyrics was God telling me tht when everything seems tough, he is with me no matter wad.. i teared....

i hope life desnt get any tougher. I feel tht i can never be rid of problems and obstacles. They just keep getting worse. But I'll keep fighting and complaining.. I must be strong.. if not for myself, for dear...Too bad my limitations are such.. but I believe in myself..tht my dreams will happen... and i have to make them....
Im tired.. im breaking.. but i'll never break too far....to pick up again....
HAH. talking so positively of myself.. why all of a sudden? Do i feel better? During mass, it certainly felt too much for me to take....I know HE never gives us too much to handle at any one time.. but im realli ALWAYS struggling to try keep myself together...

Thanks for listening....

Happy belated Birthday to you, Mel. 21 and big le.
Happy 20th Birthday to you.
Happy Birthday to Harri! One more day to twenty-one, and Im still keeping track hahaha...
Happy 56th Birthday Uncle.
Happy 22nd Birthday Daniel.

and Mum's birthday is coming up....

I wonder how u think of me now. Im just so pissed and upset with you...but do u honestly care? Your actions broke my heart. Don't keep promises, seriously, if u can't keep them. Disappointment to such a degree is onli how much I can take.
Please, if u actually believe tht i hate you, it's ridiculous. Can i bring myself to? What has happened to the boy in you tht I once knew? Has he died and completely changed to someone totally unbecoming?.....sad. I feel like i can never give up hope for you, or in you. Like a sibling,no matter how siblings fight, they still cant bear to be angry for long... and tht kinda love and permanent hope is what I have for you. But u just shatter me more and more. I don't know you anymore. The boy I knew wasn't like this. No, definitely not. I have thought abt all the possible reasons ...and I still think it was no excuse.