All good things, are shortlived, saved for the good Lord's love I suppose. Crushes die after it tries to live...crushes get crushed in the shortest time possible as soon as someone sle finds out tht it seems to be a crush.

I fear being alone on weekends the most. Weekday nights are bad enough. Ive re-joined the Youth Muisc Ministry once again... this time I hope to be committed and perhaps in the long run, make a difference in this ministry, for there is so much this ministry can really improve on. So I occupy my Friday nights with this group of lovely great musicians; youngsters.

Being a new, yet not so new (considering ive been with them on off) member of YMM, I have the same feelings as those newbies in C.D choir. The issue of commitment has finally arised. I started attending YMM last yr, whenever I was free. This Jeremy brought up tonight, and so correct he is, that being part of ministry shouldn't be this way, aka As and when you feel like,you turn up and take part.

I remember how I used to spend my weekends with de.. Jase, Charles and Ivan... and I never had to think twice or reconsider my weekend plans. They were soley for them and for the love of music. I enjoyed jamming with our band and gigging. The once "The Lull" really ceased existence. I remember telling Charlie that I didn't want that to happen, despite what he said about him gg to army. It's weird now, how we're still so close, and yet we stopped hanging out altogether. It's so natural since we only hung out as a group,if not never. I think the only time we did, was when he came out after two weeks of BMT. I missed him lots. I still do miss his company these days. it's just odd, not having him really ard anymore. Needless to say, how much odder it feels not jamming or gigging with him anymore.I long for those days again, and wish that he could still sit down with me and teach me how to sing this or that or how to harmonise with him. He taught me alot those intensive three months of gigs. Even worse, without Jase around, it feels even more awful. I haven't forgotten and he hasn't left my heart one bit. I just keep pretending that I'm moving on and finding other distractions.

As much as choir CAMP helped me get closer to God again and re-think my faith and how I should be living the WORD and living since God had already won the battle for me, it still doesn't change how badly hurt and battered I am inside. I realised today, that he really had etched himself in me so much that he's a part of me now and I can't get rid of it. That goes for those who have surely and gradually disappeared. I remember Charles told me recently, that the more I "push" someone, the more I inevitably push tht person away. And I actually remember that from a past experience as well. So I won't bore on how people have gone and all.. but that I just wana say, I still wish these people were in my life: Rene, Jase, Harri, Godbro Nick Chan... and though it's so weird now; Claire. And of coz I will always respect and continue to respect Charles's life and what he does, and what he choses to tell me or not tell at all.. coz that much i look up to him....and this comes back to the topic of my weekends. I used to spend them with these individuals, as individuals, or as a group..and now, I really don't have anyone to hang out with anymore. At least not the usual people, where u'd just sms or ring and thts it, smth is planned.

So for this weekend.. I started to really feel awful. Till like the last few hrs of tonight, I had nothing planned. And though Im sick, it is awful to sleep thru on a saturday. I found out tht KC's EMDDS is showing tonite and tmr nite. So I managed to get tix! I was pretty happy ht I finally have smth to do tmr. Then later I told Bao (small jon) abt how i have nothing on tmr.. and he asked me along for his GIG for YISS participants...okies then... so I guess I got an itenery for tmr... Ive felt pretty happy the whole week until wed nite, suddenly felt reality creeping back in... I know I can go out on my own and do lots of things.. or even go to church, but tht's just not me. Im just not one or used to being alone anymore...it eats me up. After EMDDS tmr nite, I might choose to meet Kalif up and get drunk.. I'll see how.

Anyways...so ya, maybe I feel slightly better right this moment. JUst sleepy and still having an awful nasty flu. Gg to sleep now.

OOO! :) I learnt a few new chords!!! Pat taught me earlier!! :P happiness... and for my gig, pianist has changed. So I'll update on gig nearer the time again.

Wana say thanks to YMM people tonite.. really chered me up. Freda, ure a fren whoose just there.. thank u... Rach babe, remember what i told u, and I luv u to d end sof the earth, dont let yrself get hurt or upset anymore.. not worth it... to marie, caroline, gabrina, eugene (both), bao, john tan, jeremy, joshua, shane, mark, carl, junella, and whoever who made me smile tonite.. thank u.... the smallest gesture emans alot to me.

Merv, Kenneth, thanks for stuffs online..at least tht doesnt nake ne feel like ive got no one to talk to online...

Most of all, each time I feel down now, I look at any of your creations Lord, be it the Sun, the moon, the food on my table, and I thank you Lord. I know ure always with me, and always watching over me. I love u lord.

Gd nite world.