Back from another great church day, a good dinner with choir friends, and a much needed weekend with nick.
Church was good today, though I felt I really strained my voice. Pizza was simply fantabulous at Sam's with some of the choir gang after that.
I felt happy today, and a talk with Char did help a bit somewhat. I also tried to recall conversations with Charles, the ones where he said I was doing well and that I shouldn't disappoint him or myself or others around me. I don't know , maybe this is called psychoing myself. But until I believe in myself, I know all these will only be temporary motivation. I don't believe in myself anymore, I think. But I know the only way to start earning money effectively and sufficiently in order to take care of my needs, and be stable, which will in turn let me be happy to a certain extent, is to start feeling good abt myself again. Coz what Char said to me today is quite true.. all this low self esteem,negativeness and all are taking its toll on my work preformance, on my confidence level...on everything.. and this in turns affect me.. another vicious cycle im gg thru. The first I used to have and prob still have is my sleeping habit.. tht in turn affects my health...
Yet it's so hard, i realised today, to explain to someone who doesn't know ( which was Char) everything tht has happened, how sleeplessness makes me feel worse... how all the emotional shite has dragged me down...how the people ard me, though not the solution, like Charles said to me once, helps me so much in my determination to pull myself thur this tough time. Charles said to em once tht they can only help, but no one can help if I dont wana move on myself, and likewise what Char said today..tht I myself need to start feeling good abt myself again, onky then can I start picking up again and protraying confidence which helps greatly, and is half the battle won (positiveness).
I guess I know all this, I just can't find the positiveness anymore. I told her the first two odd weeks or so, I was so determinded. Then I realised that was when jw and I were still on and off. Waking for work, and a sunday haveing to go to work, felt like smth I had to do, to get thru, and knwoing tht even if I dont have anyone at d end of the day, I had him. He, now looking back, really played such a great importance to me. The min he walked out, I dropped, and dragged till today. Then one after the other more things happened. But Char said to me today, that that is life. I cannot look back now, but can only look forward, and I have to love myself more, in order to make things work for myself.
I told her I wana buy a place of my own someday, furnish and make it homey, cosy. I plan to get my own laptop by this yr, change my phone, have enuff on my table, and snack still, shop still, and take a holiday. All this will not be possible till I have a job to master I know.
She said to me, think of what ure good at, something ure proud off. Smth u know is good abt yrself. I just cudnt think off much. He never told me much either.
The doctor in my choir today, told me " it sounds like depression", after I explained things to him, and how Ive been crying at the simplest reminder, even a song.
But I must say, that the weekend with Nick really got me back on track. Yes, it was painful somewhat, but mostly really enjoyable and definitely a memory I will take with me till d end of my days. Thank you kor. I really have a splendid brother. So proud of you, and love you very much.
I enjoyed last night the most!! (despite my terribly runny chocked nose and throat and feeling very very sickish) We watched WINDSTRUCK, the third movie I know off tht Jun Ji Hyunn did. : ) She id MY MUSEEEEEEE. She is SOOO PRETTY. So fantastic an actress. She always end s up in SUPER tragic roles, but really good ones. She's the same actress for my sassy girl, il mare, and daisy. U bet I will have her pictures up soon. : )
Yea..so that sums up my weekend. Of coz looming over me is still my joblessness.
Oh well.
Church was good today, though I felt I really strained my voice. Pizza was simply fantabulous at Sam's with some of the choir gang after that.
I felt happy today, and a talk with Char did help a bit somewhat. I also tried to recall conversations with Charles, the ones where he said I was doing well and that I shouldn't disappoint him or myself or others around me. I don't know , maybe this is called psychoing myself. But until I believe in myself, I know all these will only be temporary motivation. I don't believe in myself anymore, I think. But I know the only way to start earning money effectively and sufficiently in order to take care of my needs, and be stable, which will in turn let me be happy to a certain extent, is to start feeling good abt myself again. Coz what Char said to me today is quite true.. all this low self esteem,negativeness and all are taking its toll on my work preformance, on my confidence level...on everything.. and this in turns affect me.. another vicious cycle im gg thru. The first I used to have and prob still have is my sleeping habit.. tht in turn affects my health...
Yet it's so hard, i realised today, to explain to someone who doesn't know ( which was Char) everything tht has happened, how sleeplessness makes me feel worse... how all the emotional shite has dragged me down...how the people ard me, though not the solution, like Charles said to me once, helps me so much in my determination to pull myself thur this tough time. Charles said to em once tht they can only help, but no one can help if I dont wana move on myself, and likewise what Char said today..tht I myself need to start feeling good abt myself again, onky then can I start picking up again and protraying confidence which helps greatly, and is half the battle won (positiveness).
I guess I know all this, I just can't find the positiveness anymore. I told her the first two odd weeks or so, I was so determinded. Then I realised that was when jw and I were still on and off. Waking for work, and a sunday haveing to go to work, felt like smth I had to do, to get thru, and knwoing tht even if I dont have anyone at d end of the day, I had him. He, now looking back, really played such a great importance to me. The min he walked out, I dropped, and dragged till today. Then one after the other more things happened. But Char said to me today, that that is life. I cannot look back now, but can only look forward, and I have to love myself more, in order to make things work for myself.
I told her I wana buy a place of my own someday, furnish and make it homey, cosy. I plan to get my own laptop by this yr, change my phone, have enuff on my table, and snack still, shop still, and take a holiday. All this will not be possible till I have a job to master I know.
She said to me, think of what ure good at, something ure proud off. Smth u know is good abt yrself. I just cudnt think off much. He never told me much either.
The doctor in my choir today, told me " it sounds like depression", after I explained things to him, and how Ive been crying at the simplest reminder, even a song.
But I must say, that the weekend with Nick really got me back on track. Yes, it was painful somewhat, but mostly really enjoyable and definitely a memory I will take with me till d end of my days. Thank you kor. I really have a splendid brother. So proud of you, and love you very much.
I enjoyed last night the most!! (despite my terribly runny chocked nose and throat and feeling very very sickish) We watched WINDSTRUCK, the third movie I know off tht Jun Ji Hyunn did. : ) She id MY MUSEEEEEEE. She is SOOO PRETTY. So fantastic an actress. She always end s up in SUPER tragic roles, but really good ones. She's the same actress for my sassy girl, il mare, and daisy. U bet I will have her pictures up soon. : )
Yea..so that sums up my weekend. Of coz looming over me is still my joblessness.
Oh well.
posted by melissa at 6/12/2006 12:33:00 AM
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