I lost. my. previous. entry.

=x

Anwyays. I was saying... this weekend is a weekend of conflicting feelings.

My parents are overseas, and I'm back at my original home. I'm happy to spend a weekend with Nick again, and he is happy too. But It has been a bit more complicated for me. I was back in my room, that didn't look like my room anymore. Everything was covered up again, like the last time, and like as if I've died or smth. I packed more stuff and brought over to my present place this afternoon before heading to church, and I was crying as flashbacks of that nite and the morning after came back. They were definitely not very plesant, and I think that is the main reason I can't forgive, coz of the trauma I went through. Dad wasn't dad anymore. I recalled that conversation on the phone too, and all the thoughts, all the bottled up feelings abt home, and how I've been trying to cope and struggle came back and overwhelmed me.

Here I was, back in my own room, where I didn't want all this to happen. But yes, now Im free to do what i want, when I want to, and it's been a rocky struggle to cope. It's never the same, not having Nick ard me. All my usual habits, all the things I cud do with my eyes closed, are still there, like reflexed actions.

I wished, somehow that if we had left things the way it was, even though the relationships at home weren't great, that things wud have worked out somehow. At least we wud still be under the same roof. But the fighting and squabbling and constant bickering, as Nick put it, between us never ended. Both sides just didnt wana budge. It was as if that was our entertainment or smth. If we didnt fight it wasnt rite. : (

I just wana stay with Nick. Like now, back here this weekend, here for each other. I noe that it is a terribly selfish thought.

As we talked last night, Nick said to me that in everything, every choice, every move in anyone's life, there is a price to pay. We just pay in different ways. And that we shud never compare, coz the person who may seem happy, pays his price too, just tht we don't know what that may be. I will have to wait YEARS before i can stay with Nick again. By that time, Nick might be married and have his own family. I doubt I would. I kept asking Nick if I cant\ stay with him..but then again, wudn't taht eb imposing?

I was telling him how I wished I was like big sam. Lots of money on hand NOW, buy myself a nice small place to call my own, and furnish and make it cosy, somewhere I can make my home, proper. But I'm much too young for that now. So I have to be constantly on the move, and I'm trying my best not to give up. I thought to myself, If I ever had my own place, I'd have an extra room, for nick, for Harriet, for him too. But I wanted to share my place with him. How idealistic.I fear being alone, now more than ever. Will I ever find somebody again? I know that right now, the time isn't right and God won't bring him anywhere near my sight. I can feel it, that God is telling me it won't happen now. But I can't even move from U.

Charles once said I mite end up like his aunt, and I honestly don't want tht. I look at Big Sam and Judy now, staying on their own, buying their own places..and I don't knwo what to feel. It's not exactly the best feeling around.

I spent yesterday, today and gonna spend tmr with Nick. A great distraction I think. But at the back of my head, I still think of him. I know that on a weekend, He'd be out, probably jamming, or gigging somewhere. He'd prob meet her, or her, or her... and imaginging how it'd be like to kiss one of them. What can I say. My weekends will never be the same again. two of my friends asked me abt Him today. One asked how he was, and the other asked if I am attached. So to the first, I said we were over, and that I'm still hurting. To the other, I said, I was.. but no longer. He asked me if I loved him. I said yes I did, and still do. But the question now was whether He really did.

I can't help but wonder how your weekend has been....


But sometimes my mind shifts to him, and I keep blaming myself, for not having made that decision alot earlier. Now it's all too late, and I've lost both, and both have lost me. And int urn, lost themselves to each other. I'm sorry if I was the cause.

I remember I intentionally match-made Weiyi and Stef. Now I look at them, and find that I had backfired the joke on myself. No. frist let me establish that I'm happy for them and that they are great together, but it has backfired on me, like as if I was meant to be attached when I match made them so that it would happen, and then now that they have been gg out for abt a yr, I have lost my love. What can I say.

I am low on cash. I only have enuff for this month. I haven't found a job yet. Oh craps.

On the brighter side, there IS ONE thing that I'm looking forward to, and that is my choir retreat coming up 1st/2nd july : ) Nick and I and small jon are doing the p& w session and I've roughly got thr song list worked out :P Just got a bit more planning to do.

Also, looking forward to my gig, which is taking much slower progress, coz i havent narrowed down my list of songs yet BUTTTTT I do have all the lyrics to the songs now. I just neeed to decide which are the best and most impressive/ sothing/ varied, and put them together for a nice sofa session at ear shot. This will take place 29th July .

Ok, gtg...cook dinner with Nick....