...in her head again.......

Don't know whether what I did was a good thing, but familiarity is making me smile again. Call me foolish, call me silly. I needed to do that for the longest time ever despite whatever anyone said... despite the "right" way I noe I should have followed...or what my gut felt pissed abt for the last few months...

I cudnt have done it sober and I noe i wudnt have, coz too much pride wud have stopped me...... so my fingers found its way to pressing those numbers when I was extremely high last night. I seriously wonder what it is like to be drunk if high is already like this? I was higher than the time I was at Lerping's. I was fucking almost gone. It felt terrible. the vodka wanted to puke itself out of my liver. I cud feel the eeky disgusting feeling. I was really high. Concious of what I was sort of doing, yet totally knocked out and controlled by my reflex reactions.

I was toking gibberish and oly cud control stammering and trying to walk...think i spoke with fendi, and then kalif before i found myslef on the phone with him. Everything was just screaming out of me. After the whole espisode, and waking this afternoon, it really elt better. And then I had a decent conversation with him again before my bath. Maybe since I can't get better without him around, I'd have to have him around to feel better then. I don't know how it'll work. But we'll see.

This makes me wana spurr on and start pushing myself again. This same old motivation I had before, but now in a different context perhaps. I don't know...

see ya all.