...in her head again.......

Im gonna go thru today, and face up to everything. I headed to bed at 3 this morning, but I was merely lying in bed. I didn not sleep at all. So afraid that I would not be able to wake up for work.

While I laid in bed, I thought about so many things. I thought about how I landed myself up so dead broke, and that like in spiderman (but i change it a bit), with age, comes responsiblity and with decisions come consequences that result me having to be responsible for, and no one is to blame other than me. I thought about all the good people who have been by my side nonetheless , helping in whatever ways they can, esp with money. How kind everyone has been already. I feel very indebted to just abt everyone already. This came about after thinking abt all the times I have to very humble ask for help, coz I am just managin myself so badly. I guess I hardly take care of myself somtimes. Now I cant even afford to go down and buy food. Which is ridiculous.

I thought abt us, and abt really how I should take a backseat and occasionally come to the front to smile back at him, as much as I wana be in frtont all the time, but he deserves tht space, and really, I cant stop him in doing anything at all.

I thought about my joke of a career. Deep down, I noe that I am safe in God's hands, and I mean this, as in that I noe thru prayer, when God speaks back to me, that at the very end of the day, everything will really be alright, but for now, I just have to go thur this to learn. I thought to myself, how easy it wud be if I werent catholic or christian isnt it? Then I can take up any sales or restaurant job I love and be so happy. But no, my sacrifice to God, is to serve him and therefore, must decided within my limited narrowed down favoured options; what I want to do with my life. I noe now, more or less. It's just whether I'm gearing myself up for it anot.

My friend, Gerald, asked me a good question online earlier last night. He meant it as any casual question on a msn conversation, but it got me thinking so hard. He was asking me whether I knew a particular artist (music wise), and then when I said that I havent been scouting around for music, his next question to me was then : What HAVE you been doing then?? And I realised, yes, why have I not been looking at music? Why have I been feeling sick, sleeping half the day, waking up, and either staying at home, or meeting people up?

But I have not been able to be rid of my sluggishness Ive been feeling. It has hindered me severely from doing many other things other than being online. Many times I say I can read, practise, do up a website or watch some movies at home or iron, stuff like that, but I dont really get down to it. And when I do, I do so for a short while, and realise how happy I am that I did so.

And now, because I havent worked hard enuff, I deprive myself the chance to go out and watch any films for tht matter, or rent any, or go to cd shops to buy any cds. I guess like sleeping patterns, even these things have their own vicious cycles.

Wei is on leave today. And I thought abt how nice it wud be for him to finally get some rest at home and head to town and do what he likes. And he certainly deserves it, considering everything tht has been gg on. And how remarkbly strong he has been esp with work, and saving up for things he wants to get etc. At least in these areas hes got things rite. There it is again, our good areas are always not the same as each other, which is maybe at d end of the day, not really such a good thing? Haha, but theres prob pros and cons, as there should normally be.

So, now Im awake, taking milo and cereal and some toasted nuggets, and Im gonna go off to work. After which I wish I cud just sleep, but Ive got to give my kid tuition, and head to orchard to submit my time sheet. I am preparing myself for an earful later. And if it comes, I hope God will guide me to say the right things.

Im prepared to stay on at this job to finish it up, now tht i need the money so bad, or get fired and find another proper one quickly.

Timing is real bad. I wana head to malacca and go for simon's dad's funeral actually. Im really sorry about this.

Tmr, cantor meeting after work. I need to go meet gerald to collect my cd back from him. Fri, shaun's birthday dinner after work. Sat, wedding, tuition and hopefully after tht some rest or meet wei or smth. Sunday, church, cantoring for mass. But Im so angry with a few individuals from cantor ministry tht I may not even go on thurs shud sam not be ard. God will only know the ans. So we'll see. Politics in church.:( ridiculous and painful. never ending torture.

MM, I dont know, maybe Sat can still go u to malacca or smth. We'll see how this can be worked out.

For now, I so gotta figure how to have money for the week.

What happend mel, to your long term plans? You're not pushing yrself hard enuff. Fight the bad feelings. FIGHT.