...in her head again.......

Monday, October 16th 2006

I write tonight, with alot of pain, with a reflective mind, after a day I have made important decisions,and a day after talking to a few important and random people in my perplexed life. And in the quietness of tonight, I offer up this pain and everything on my mind that's just seriously out of my control; that badly needs understanding, but is simply impossible and unattainable, because im not allowed understanding of those matters-still,up to now; and ask God, most needingly please for some peace, and sanity. Stop me from thinking, control my thinking, coz I cant do it. Im not strong enuff.



I let go. I try, tried to let go, and caused myself misery. It seemed effective, but not only was I weak, it was hurting others.

I let back in, and yet experience a different misery. It baffles, and completely drives me to frustration. Coz I know what I'm doing is not totally pink, its half red, half blue. Half is never right. But I dont have a choice.


But no. Im sticking to it.
Do u know why I did that?
I did it for your sake.

I don't mind if it's for a greater good.

Maybe this place needs some quiet too.


This is my reason, even if its not gonna be good for me:
" I worry I won't see your face, light up again. "


and unfortunately, i know, your reason, your reason, is this:
" What I am to you, is not real. What I am to you, you do not need. What I am to you is not what you mean to me.."

And I know all i give, to you, to you, is this:
" miles and miles of mountains...and I'll ask..." but my questions often arent given answers.



And there are no errors in today's entry. Whatever I wrote, is either a methaphor, or written with a hidden meaning.

Coz there are certain things that can only be said, when the time comes. Thats what you said as well.
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And I will not force things anymore.
Theres no point in me gg on and on abt a point tht cant be pointed out yet, yes?

And i will not pretend to know so much anymore.
Just to make myself feel better; look better.

Do you like the me u see? Maybe not, maybe coz i dont like the me i see.
Maybe u do, then maybe its becoz i show u a different me.
###


I read Just's (justicia) blog and if theres one thing i love abt the catholic church; our masses are the same around the world And the readings tht follow thru, the No ## Sunday of the yr, will talk abt the same things ard the world. And her entry reminded me about smth I wanted to say on Sunday as well, but I didnt blog. And it was abt Sunday's readings and messege: To let go of posessions, material or personal, emotional or physical, and give it unto God. And focus unto God. And on Sunday, it was the same day that I was advised to let go again, and adviced to amend. And so I sort of did. And like Just, I felt God speaking to me, except that I wasnt very willing to listen, and I was very distracted during mass. it's not God's fault. It has never been.

Its my human discrepancies.