Feeling moody.
Getting more moody easily these days.
Just checked my temperature and I have a slight fever. I have two or three ulcers in my thorat I suspect, and they're awfully painful.It's worse than the pain you get from sore throats.

Had instant soup and bread for dinner. While I had dinner alone, I felt like crying. I seem to be feeling depressed again.

Today, the choir was shorthanded, but we did well even so. We were brave, and so was God with his confidence in us. I gave whatever I could, even though I could hardly sing. I knew the support I had to give to Nick and Sam Lee and Jared was vital. We will stick together, to get this choir moving continuously. I love this choir, i love evry single person in it. It is very very important to me, because it has become a place I spent my last few teenage years growing up in. I've met some of the greatrest individuals here, and learnt alot, and a place I could turn to at the end of the week, where I could feel happy. It wasn't because I fell in love in this choir, that is the least important. God gave me a beautiful gift, and I developed and praised his name thru this gift he gave me, and so I give my all back to him, or whatever I can give. No winds are gonna blow this family that has formed. Other people can be choosy about coming, and say it isn't important, and feel that they hold no responsibility towards their part in the choir, but I feel it very much. Nvm, short of a few voices and talents, but God makes a way, somehow. You want to be part of something, don't do it halfheartedly. Either do or don't do at all. Those who have chosen to walk out, hopefully will see what they have left behind. Those who keep one foot in, really should think why they are even doing so. I just hate it. We need you, is it so difficult to give some talent, when you're already aroumd anyway? I don't want to argue about it anymore. it hurts so much. Here we are, struggling, your friends need you. You once said this choir meant so much to you. I always felt I had expectations of you, but I don't anymore. Everytime I have expectations of a special friend, they disappoint to the highest degree.

But somehow also, I don't blame you even though I do. Coz you and i, are like north and south poles when it comes to our priorities. Maybe only the priority of the other half is on the same wave length. Saw you after mass, but somhow just standing there hurts. I want so much to catch up with you, coz it's been such a long time. But we can't. I miss that friend, that buddy, that friend I used to share so much with. Now I feel tht we hardly know each other anymore. I know it isn't your fault. It isn't. I just miss those times so much. Seeing you, makes me want to sit there for hours with you, and just yak. When I stare at you, old times come back to me, and I just can't take it. I have to walk away. I can no longer share with you the way we used to.

Why. Why do these things happen. I know and have accepted that friends come and go. But I can never take the friends who walk off, or fade away, when they were so so so special to me. You were the most important friend I had, for a huge number of yrs.

You faded away.
Then I lost Meliza, before I realised it. I dreamnt of her last night, I dreamnt that we were hugging each other. I cried when I woke up. I miss her so much. I didn't send her off, I didn't cry when she left, but I felt numb. I don't play that important role in her life anymore. I wonder how she is in Aussie. Is the food alright for her? Is she cold there? How is she adjusting? Is she safe? I miss her so much.
But I know my time with her had come to an end. The sharing I could offer, was time-up. Like you. I feel like I gave you away to a more lovely soul. She fills the every inch of you, and that litle bit of space I used to have in you is gone.

Then I lost him. I know Ive lost him forever.
The wrongs I did, the load I bear, the nights I cried, the dreams Ive seen him in,I can only wake up and try to forget each day it happens. Cry it off, and walk the day as always. He walked away for good.

I didn't join family for RCIA, coz I felt sick, tired, and had to get home to do work. but I also wondered whether it is part of me that doesnt want to feel awkward and face them, and not want to join them. And also, I feel like they don't want me to be with them. There'd be less tension. Tension we caused.

I miss dear. I miss dear so much it tears me. He went in camp on wednesday, and said he'd be out this coming thurs, but now I have to get thru an entire work week before we can meet again. V-day is just a day, but when Im so unstable, I know it'll eat me up on tuesday nite itself. Our 14 mths is on friday. Im still trying to find his present. Ive gone to two shops and I still can't find. Im so afraid I can't get it.
Dear i miss you alot. Come home soon pls and be safe.

Another work week. But I want to try and see if I can make this all work again. I had a nice night out with Christine yesterday, despite feeling like shit. We had a lazy dinner at blujazz, and tea at a nearby teahouse, and it felt so good. We just chilled and I hadn't done that in ages. She encouraged me, and I want to give this another shot. Thanks Chris. Just when I was in need, she was there.

Sometimes I forgot there are these few sweet uiet friends on the side line. Shawn called last night, my ex, and we just talked, mellow but certainly comforting. Kalif ihas been a real clown but I can't get near him and I know I chouldn't beczuase we would drive each other down the depressive road, and might just cause each other's further downfalls. Nonetheless a poly friend who still remembers me. I don't keep in touch with many other than ana, nikky, kalif, shawn, jermaine, to name a few.

Harri, Charles, thank you. Whenever you can be here for me, you have. I really apprecite it. I know both of you have your own lives to lead, so thank you in advance for the times shared to come, and may we never lose each other. I don't want to lose anyone anymore.

We'll see how work works out. The music scene has no light for me yet. Only god knows.
We'll see how family works out. I feel like giving mum and dad money. But the pain is so much.

Dear, come home soon please. I need you. I don't know how else to tell you. I know you don't read my blog anymore, i wish there's so much you can understand, I'm sorry, I really need you yo help me recover from all the wounds I carry. I need you back to take care of me. I need you.