broken. completelely broken is how I feel now, and will feel for a long while more to go.
After my last entry on tue, i finished crying over him i thought and I told myself it was time to try move on. I noe he's gone, and I'm starting to forget he's aroundf now. On wed, i got a call from a customer, just randomly asking for INXS latest single. her name, Madam Lin, whoose spent most of her life overseas and recently came back. Single andf no children. Somehow we started talking abt thing related to life, and strangely I opened up to her over the phone. I wud dare say tht God had his hand in this, for she gave me some of the best advice tht I needed so badly , esp after the previous night. It was timely, for I was starting to fall apart again. But after I spoke to her, and now I do have her contact, I managed to smile again...... but not for long. I had been planning to look for my happiness again, in someone from my past. But I needed time, to heal after my breakup. Not tht I have quite healed, but after such a long wait, and numerous times of trying to contact this person, i thought it was time to look him up again last night. I honestly do not know If i regret looking him up. I guess even thought the closure was bad, there's still a more believeable closure for me than before.
I could get nothing out of him, and I truly do regret with much pain, for not having chosen him back then. Back then when his heart was still loving towards me, and open to me. I will admit it now, because I have lost both of them, and besides my two good friends harri and charles today,who are almost really the only two left impt and dear to me, they were the two who i loved, one made a huge impact on my life and i fell for him naturally and the feelings were most mutual, ansd the other, i had a sizzling start and went thru a whirl wind of things and emotions even thought we prob were never tht compatible, but ttried so hard to make it work..and the love prob came from all tht.
Both of them have left me, at different times, for different reasons, and both have become so cold to me overnight. One I took too long to realise,tht i had lost him and now going back to him to try make amends is completely useless and unattainable anymore. Tht other, claims to love me alot and wud give up anything for me..but at d end of the day, isnt even there for me in my greatest time of need.
I look back on these two loves, and my heart is shattered. I think i really wished I knew only harri and stayed content tht way. I wud have loved to stay away from this horrible chapter of my life. It has brought me much joy and much pain. it also caused me much problem and unnecessary trouble. I cudnt cry in front of him. i brokew odwn on the way home, so humiliated, and still in disbelief.

But I promised Aileen I would work for her today, and so I was there. Tonight was the hardest $35 Ive ever earned. Even cartel wasnt this hard. But the environment and aya's playing was great. She's like Hiromi, but she said she'd kill me if i ever said tht again. Coz she's older than Hiromi. Interesting, she has a synthesizer and keyboard like Hiromi, and she's small size too, and funku and has her own sense of style. Her guitarist who plays bass very well, was awesome to watch too. gave my best tonight and it paid off. I say I did well for a frst timer there. BVetter than I had expected myself to. I was tipped too. Some of the crowd asked for charles actually : ) even yesyerday, according to Berny. Charles got into MDC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^^ YES, thank u lord!

I wonder when charles or harri will slowly disappear from mny life too... im not sayin in purpose. but he'll get busier and so will she.. and i just hope we'll still meet once in a while. I owe these two awesome friends my ever and ever. I will not forget to appreciate patrick and claire and my choir friends too, whom i see so little of. Weiyi, u noe since the time i stopped loving u, and started my relationship and then got into a tangled situation with him as well, u thought i'd be happier... but now, i look back and think maybe if i continued to love u, without expecting anything back, it wud have been better than this brokenness i feel and carry with me now. Thought im sure i wud have hated not getting anything back from u. But at least u never left my life. U were always able to care and maintain our friendship, without getting involved with me. Dont know how u did it, but thank you.

Now ive lost both of them, and part of mel, who used to be so close to me, but i hope she's ok overseas and with her dad now in a critical condition...I just ask Lord, pls tht I dont lose anyeone else. It's very scary after having lost so many things and so many people...

It's all come to a very sad enfing. Im not with either of them, ive lost thw two i love, and now, they are not even best friends anymore. But pls understand tht i may have loved or still love both, but my loyalty always stayed with my ex.

Maybe this is a classic case, of being at the rigyht place, meeting at the wrong time. And tht , changes everything. It changes our entire fate. I think ahead on yrs, and i noe tht all our paths will be different. Jw will be done with ns next march, and go into lasalle for another three yrs or so. Then he's off to japan. He, will be doenw ith his diploma next aug, and then spend another two yrs in ns, there after, gg to US for his degree...harri will be startin schl this june, simon soon too, and charles will have abt almost two yrs left of ns, there after prob heading overseas too. Wow, this is life, and the many paths we take. Wonder how else i'd get tangled with them again?

Im scared to love, im scared to be too close to anyone. Im scared of losing myself, or losing something off myself... i dont want to see the day tht i mite not be able to take care of myself anymore. I have a plan, and i really want to see it happen over the yrs. I need alot of time, alot of time to heal....and unless someone wants me back, it's only getting over it tht I must do starting now.

I should stop thining so much. Thts what tht beautiful customer who called, mdm lin, told me. and harri and nikky both said the same thing. tht its' PAST, IT'S JUST ALL PAST..now i need to move on. Thwy all say tht im still young, im still capable, im still beautiful,,i still have a future..tht i shud start building it for mysef now.

The cab driver, on the way home from work at blujaz just now, told me im very "shan liang" and have a good heart, coz i told him to take care on the rds and to be careful driving.. eh said not many young people wud say tht to a cab driver. He said I'd have a good future ahead, the way im pushing on and persevering with two jobs now.. and tht i'd find happiness. He didnt have any knowlegde of my current situttion, not like i had so much time and energy to tell him rite hahaa...but. i refused to believe.. if im so lovely.. why did they leave me then. even a bright future, hmms, yes, eevn if i work damn hard, what kinda bright future can i possibly have huh?

Only the Lord can know what's gonna happen.
Im leaving u and u for good now. I hope tht someday u and u will come round. I love u and u.

sabrina said smth so true just now: "the choices and risks you take in your own life are yours alone"... coming from a 16 yr old rgs girl. Amazing huh.

But how true... how true..

I have taken after popo and mother. they like to dwell on things.. think too much. I shud really try hard to stop doing tht. Perhaps it comes alogn with having a harder heart...being less emotional..feeling lesser. I dont know.

Anyway, my mp3 player has been playing "comfortable", which charles covered, and john mayer did a great live version to.

" Our love was confortable and, so broken in"............

it's time go to to bed. need to be back at gramophone at 11am. nite. *timecheck 5am*