It was hard not to think of him today. I wasnt wallowing anymore,(i think) and today wasnt a i-feel-bitter-towards-him day, tho there was still abit from last night. Felt horrible after fighting with Charles, esp today being his special day. I wake everyday with different feelings and thoughts abt my break up with him. Some days I wake totally pissed off, some days i wake reminiscing and missing him , like today, and some days i wake thoroguhly bewildered abt our break up. Charles said tht we're both saying the same stuff. Yesterday I felt tht i didnt want to see him anymore. Today I wished I had his company again. Yet angry at what I've heard hiom say so far. Esp tht he didnt want the relationship as much and tht i was taking up too much time, and abt my folks etc, the soap opera is really long winded.

But anyway, today was polling day. It was also charles' 18th birthday. :] I remember how I didnt get to celebrate my 18th bday becoz my folks and i fell out. I was supposed to be working, but i took unpaid leave to attend teresa and JK's wedding this morning. My choir sang for them, and she had a grand military wedding :P I promised her I would sing at her wedding a yr ago already. I really didnt want to miss it. I decided to take leave, coz it's once in a life time thing for her, and the only 18th birthday chazles was ever gonna have. I felt I needed to make up for last nite too. I knew he'd be happy. At least I wanted to try do smth other than weigh him down with my problems. It was a really good happy quiet day for me. Also a very reflective nostalgic day.

The wedding was beautiful, and like many times before, i wondered when my turn would ever come, to marry off to someone i love, and someone who loves me and sees me as special in his eyes. Soemone like the girl in daisy. Its been a long time since i felt tht special to someone. The girl in daisy, made the guys who loved her, go completely out of control, and she did for them too. Absolutely touching, and it showed what love really does to a person. Will talk abt tht more later.

The wedding mass was over and photo taking was done. The catered food was high class and delicious. I think I loved very much being back with my second family-my choir. It felt so good. U always treasure something or someone u dont get or see often, and since i started working and have been on my own, church masses have become so precious to me. I stare at the crucifix in the church hall, from where we are up in the choir loft, and I just speak to him. I cant describe tht peace and also the pain i release to him quietly. I always cry in church during prayer or during song, coz i offer up to him whatever I cant handle. So today, during teresa's wedding, the same feelings went thru me. I remembered jw, for whatever gd times we had, which were definitely enuff still despite whatever bad times...and i just knew tht we werent gonna last actually. each time im in church, i realise how different we are, yet tried so hard to make it work. coz for me, i never felt even with friends, tht different backgrounds would be a problem or create barriers. Im always befriending all sorts of friends, and those who know me long enuff, will agree tht i have friends from all woks of life.

After the wedding, I got a chance to chat with nick before he left for voting. I headed to cineleisure myself to catch daisy. Daisy is a koren film, starring Jun Ji Hyunn from my sassy girl and il mare (jw's fav korean film). After watching this film, i have truly fallen in love with her HAHAHAHAHA. She is beautiful, and unique. She's different. She has smth abt her tht makes her so so irreplaceable. The film caught me completely, and I was in a different world for tht two hrs. How could love drive two men, so focused on their duties, to go so against their own beliefs. I have forgotten tht love does tht to you. WARNING ; SPOILERS AHEAD. One was an assasin. he fell for this girl he saw painting daisies and flowers. He started sending her flowers everyday. She started imagining him and waiting for him to turn up. The other, a cop undercover, went to her little spot in tht huge town, and asked her to sketch him erveryday, when he was actually observing a hotel opposite, to watch criminal suspects. He fell for her. he brought her daisies,and she thought tht he was the man she'd been waiting for all the while. She started spending time with him and fell for him. the assasin has always been wathcing from a distance and got increasingly irritated with the cop. Turns out both the cop and assasin were on each others case. The girl got shot in a riot between the cops and assasins, and was shot in her throat. she didnt die. she lost her ability to speak. OMG. I felt her devastation already at tht point. the cop didnt come back to see her. she fell into depression, being unable to speak ever again. The assasin was heart broken to see her so heart broken. He came into her life. She had no interest and no place, for th man she had actually been waiting for. Nonetheless with time, they became friends and he took care of her somewhat, with her still in depression and trying hard to continue her job as an artist/painter. One day the cop came back and told her the truth abt his identity. she cried and threw her temper in utter helplessness. the assasin stood there, equally flustered. The assasin looked up the cop, bu6t they didnt take out their guns at first. the cop said he would shoot him. the assasin said eh cud do the same, not having to worry tht hes the good guy. the cop withdrew. the assasin said he wudnt kill him for the girl loved the cop, and wanted her to be happy. to my shock, he shot the cop. news got to the girl fast, and whenthe assasin looked her up, she already knew and shattered.standing in front of her, was her love's killer and she didnt noe. She didnt noe till one day, the senior cop, who was her love's colleague, told her tht the murderer said he was a fren, and he was the last to have seen the cop. he listened to classical music, smth the murderer never listened to, and tht when contracted, the assasin always wud receiver black tulips. These were huge signs to the gurl, and seh wasnt wrong. she was so angry with the assasin who was her fren or so called bf at tht time. she cudnt believe it. flustered and unable to speak, she checked thru his whole apartment, and found pictures of her ex love, the assasin had been tracing him. the assasin revealed everything to her, by returning her the pinting she had left for the man she was waiting for, where she normally painted flowers at the bridge, and she realised he was the man who kept sending her flowers.

she hated and loved him. yet at d end, she took a bullet shot for him and died. after she had lost her love ( the cop), the asssin lost her. he went insane.

after the film ended, i sat in the theatre till i was asked to leave. it was so painful, so tragic, but so brave and lovely. It made me think of him in a lot of different occasions of the pat tht we had..the good, the complicated, the misunderstandings...

Today, i tot to myself, whatever has happened, has happened. good to have some explainations, but in d end, cant people be given second chances? he deserves one, and i wud hope to deserve one as well. but thts only if the love is still true. It changed, from the initial months, when he said he hoped i was the first and last girl he wud have. initial first half of the 16 months, i tot he was always loyal, anf not fickle of flirty, but tht changed too. instead od just thinking abt me, me, me, i reversed it while on the way home, and tot of how he felt. yes, it can never be one sided, both of us sentour relationship tumbling down. alot of uncommunicated feelings and thoughts also brew and this was smth we should have seen coming. the second last day before 2005, i knew i should have had the courage to end it. but i wantesd it to work, so i went again. i want to believe he loves me, but now i doubt it. i know i still love him, but alot of things abt him i dont trust much anymore. however, i will always be grateful and happy for the good times.

Dear, whatever has happened. i am sorry. whatever tht ure so unhappy with me abt. im sorry im not who u want i guess. but thank u for everything tht i tried hard to give me.

i dont know. im still very much fluctuating between anger and longing. it can be hard. lizzy found out i broek upw ith him today, coz i had to tell her tht i didnt want him there tonite. i noe charles wud understand, but he is confined for speeding anyway. he should learn from this one. quite pek chek u noe. ive told him so many times before.

some days, i feel slight liberation and free-ness, but some days i honestly wish i cud have him ard the same way again. but i noe these thing dont last.

CELEBRATED CHARLES BDAY TODAY! hahahaa HAPPY BIRTHDAY AGAIN DUDE!
Heh, how cool, i get to celebrate a great friend's 18th! heh. i feel old. SHITE. hashaha. I was happy yo be part of the whole organising and getting stuff. U should have seen his SHOCKED face. LOL. i bought cake which Gill kindaly spilt cost with me in d end, and i knew charles wud like the emily tshirt! YAY!!!!!! IT FITS!!!!! :) We had chris, dimiii, gill, mark, liz, him, ivan, elvin and some ot their other frens with us :P He was SHOCKED hahahahahahahahahahahah. Gosh, poor fella got cake on his face, and a real sweet present from lizzy. Shes such a nice girl. The balloon stuff and the cake and all was so fun. I was happy for him tht he was happy. He and the rest of the guys went to dota after tht hahahaha. I felt old ard them, coz they are all still studying, still so care free, still so happy go lucky heh, even charles for the first time, i felt he was care free too. Tht left a peaceful solemn feeling in me as I made my way home alone. The journey home was filled with thoughts of him again and tht i have to work tmr on a sunday.

when will i get a new job? When will i be able to go to church regularly again and start cantoring again??

"You will ALWAYS treasure things or people much more when u dont always have them and cant always have them. When u always have to work so hard to get it or them"
AND
"when u have too much of smth or someone or people, u take it for granted and get complacent abt having too much of it or them ard"

How weird the human mind is.

I cant wait to go MOS with J and Roman and kevin one day.
I can't wait to do church stuff again
I cant wait to sing and gig again--but with who. I know he'll never play with me again and vice versa. Asking ivan or charles wud be too weird.

Is the band stuff my fault too?

whichever way the wind blows.

Justicia, hope ure ok gurl. take care too.