another entry. another day.
the sun still shines, and the world still moves.
but ive lost smth again.

ive learnt how it feels over the last yr to lose people who mean so much to you. it happened once, twice, three times, and then i thought tht was gonna be it for a while. then i lost fourth time, fifth time, and now sixth. This grand finale marks my loss of the most precvious person in my life at this present monment. I beg u lord and pray for my heart to heal and stop hurting. And pls don't do this to me, at least in a long while.

I think after a break up, it's pretty normal to go thru a few stages of different emotions and thoughts and whatever. So, don't blame me if i feel angry with him, or down, or angry with myself or whatever. Yes, maybe I want him, more than I need him--as what charles said. But when I reflect upon it, i know i still need him somehow somewhat.

Thinking back on everything, there were good times, but there were equally many bad times. there were sweet feelings, but alot of hidden unhappy onestoo perhaps. there was way too much compromise on both our sides. stiffling is what we both felt to a certain extent maybe.

It hurts very badly i won't deny. I tried hard to keep what I wanted and the only way i knew how, but this week as I walked the roads alone and was at work, i realised how much he wanted out. It was slapping me in the face, with his actions and his silent insistance. I miss him. Many times tempted to msg, tempted to call, but say what? Ironic how he left me when I shifted house, and tmr marks the day he shifts house too, with a brand new start to his long term plan got his life. He's playing tonight at my fav cafe. FVri nights were always blujaz nights, and I'm still wondering if I should go. But I arranged to meet junjun and harri for makan. Maybe I'd go next week. I love tht vafe very much.

I asked aileen, boss of the cafe, a few times whether i can work full time for her, but I don't know why she doesn't respond. I've decided to buy a new cafe jazzy cd for her every month, so tht she can play new stuff in her cafe. I guess I will still go and see him play whenever, coz I have always supported him in his music. But IO guess there goes our kl trip, ot aussie trip, or dreamers cafe night, or any other special time i was hoping for.

I know I cant be as fragile as before, fall into depression, cry out my eyes, and feel like the world is collapsing, coz i have to stand straight or try to, coz i still have to feed myself and live. how very harsh this all is.

And smth really pissed me off las last night. I took charles creatice player home, to bring for repair, and at the same time take his songs to load into my own player, then just after i loaded the first album out of like maybe 80 albums, lol, it died on me. flickering light, cudnt switch off, hung, and the comp cudnt read it anymore. his was still fine. just the connection to his headphones not good thts all. GREAT MAN. Same night, clarie called from UK and told me her ipod doed too. BLARDY HELL.

I pity pat. She told him for the last time tht she cant be with him. he was rather down too. h4s been good to me. a great landlord come fren. hahahaa. initial days were wakward, but hes been kind, sending me to work half way coz his work is in town too and we kinda share provisions and all. his cat isnt too fond of me however. guess jw wud never come over the way things are gg. i noe he wanted to see tigger too.

oh yeah. last nite after work, i met an old poly fren, kalif, and i ate some fries and onion rings and chocolate, along with some alcohol. haha i know i shouldnt have, but i wanted to. i got a bit too qoozy and he sent me back home. i collapsed onto bed straight away, haha. but coz i was so woozy, i felt like the entire nite was a dream. my frens ent me all the way back. i still dont quite believe it. it felt so good. to have someone care so much for me .

work has been up and down. it's rather quiet at my store most of the time, so it can get boring when theres no stock counting, picking, or taking or transfers. Then my brain goes stale to the sound of the music playing in the store. But sometimes i meet realy awesome musicians. old ones, from US, or young ones, from US or locally. Very interesting people who know a hell lot more than I do.

anyways. I have been consistently at a list of cds tht i wana get!!! : ) But thanks to charles, and i hope my player can be fixed too, so tht i can transfer from pat's laptop (the one tht doesnt have internet), i can save on many albums!! Coz i took alot from his player!! haha and Pat bought quite a few albums tht i want too *chuckle* So these are the ones i still want aka dont have on cd opr mp3: (slash means i have already and r means ive reserved it in my outlet lol)

1. Fiona Apple
2. Corinne Baeley Rae
3. Natalie Imbruglia -r
4. Stellarstar (indie)
5.Cold Play
6. Kelly -Looking through the eyes of Love- (local girl)
7. Olivia -a girl meets bossa nova- (jap girl)
8. Thirteen Senses
9. Jazz Lounger (green coloured album)
10. Sophie Zelmani
11.Jack Johnson
12. Nashville (both albums)
13.Sarah Mclachlan
14. Tori Amos (Beekeeper)
15. Noon (jap jazz artist)
16. K.T. Tuntstall
17.Jeff Buckley
18.Oasis
19.Emiliana Torrini
20.Suzanne Vega
21.Jason Marz (Mr A.Z) (i love this one alot)
22. Stacey Kent Collection 3
23.Join Mitchell
24.Death Cab For Cutie
25.John Mayer
26. Stina
27. Ryan Adams
28. Cyndi Lauper-r
29. Film School (indie)
30. My Morning Jacket (indie)-r
31.The Concretes
32. Youth Group (indie)
33. Placebo
34. KUBB
35. Concave Screams
36.For Good (local cd)
37. Shout Outs Hawl Hawl Gaff Gaff
38. Steve Tyler -new Standard- (i so love this album too)
39. Sara Gazerek
40. Samoma

Yea.... hahaah a long list eh? I miss the DVDS back in my parents house! ASGH! Wish I cud take them all and burn but dvds have a protective layer so cannot aghhhh hahaha, but i have a dvd list too!

1. Pride and Prejudice
2. 20/30/40
3. A Season For Love
4. Simpsons Season seven
5. OC set
6. Desperate housewives season one
7. Just Like Heaven
8. Alot Like Love

yea this list just started onli : )





i really miss u. i wonder fucking why.