3am! finally, i can sit down, relax and type something here. I made some ammendments to my links even, and the title and all too.

Quite happy, I got to talk to nick online today, both of us using mics! hehehehe :)
Msn is amazing! If we both had webcams, we cud just chat facing each other! hahaha, the power of teachnology! he came down to my gramophone branch too the other day ... :]. paddy came down today too, to buy four cds, *hahaa, cds tht i want too* and gift vouchers for desmond, coz his bday is this sunday! yupppers! pat aka paddy which he calls himself * i swear i dont call him tht* has been very accomodating... i truly appreciate his kindness. he has been driving me to town too, coz he works ard there. Tht saves me alot of transport, and im always early for work. heh, he could have gone to centrepoint or paragon branch, but he came all the way to my branch from douby.... wow....

I shall talk abt the happy things in this post! so long since i put some positiveness here RIIOOTE? lol hahahaha no la... ivwe just gone mad... it's hard. Anyways, i'll share the depressive mood later LATERRRRR... okk? coz im so sleepy actually u noe! BUT! Last night! I bumped into...*drumrolls* gERRI and Ian!!! Wow...work was terrible and i felt so down...BUT! they brought me for supper at the Kopitiam food court near rendevous hotel, and we snapped pics and all! They also took cab and sent me allllll the way back to bedok north, even tough they stay in hougang and senkang (mind u from orchard leh!) They paid for EVERYTHING from dinner to cab, and really made me feel cared for last night. It was really what I needed.
Gerri has been thru alot of fucking shite since my age, and im damn happy tht she's found ian and has kaelen. Shes so happy now, and she honestly deserves it. Ian, IAN my gawd, is god sent the sweetest bf she cud ever have. Amazing couple. While I walked with them, i didnt feel down abt not being loved anymore, but rather, tht it was a joy yo see such a loving couple. Three yrs they are, and gg strong. I miss tht taste of love so much.

Pictures in a bit!

Today, : ) Work was... well sian and asusual la!, BUT! I had a few interesting customers.. and alot who ive seen over the last few days, and came back to buy more, hahaha! I have sorta become their friendsly gramophone face and person they talk to.. and from each of them, ive learnt a gd deal. Amazing customers gramophone has, really. And my new colleague is my fsv junior! :p what a SMALLLL little world ^--^
Im happy, to have someone to share more with.. sonmeone my level..rather than the senior staff... and we just hit off like tht, coz we come from the rare fsv peeps in singapore heh heh heh heh heh!

Im prib transferring to parkway branch in june--or so they say la. I dont know yet.

ok..quite tired now. I just loaded my zen software into pat's laptop, so now i can rip, burn hehehehe and hopefully, if he puts the wireless, dl from frens too! But HE HAS SO MANY MILLION CDS i already borrowed some and i guess i wont be needing new stuff online JUST YET, hohoho...also need to take from charlesm yups.

I gotta send in his mp3 player for repair thix week, and i wana check why i cant load cheena songs into my player!!! LOL

Okays.....now starts the depressive bits. Be warned! 8_8;

i have been up and down alot la. it's been tough and i am so blessed to have a place pretty nice to stay in, with a great flatmate, a cat, and in bedok too. Im not too far from everyone and church and town. familiarity is always good for me. I have adjusted to my new place, and i know i'll be sad when i leave end yr.. coz this is good enuff. i keep reminding myself how much worse i'd feel without a proper place, but now tht i do have, i must still save for the rainy day. it doesnt mean things are any easier. I never thought i can tahan this sorta work. But now i dont have a choice till i find something really suited for me. im tired. tired of shifting. tired of changing jobs, tired emotionally, tired physically and still VERY much sick. tired mentally. The load is so heavy, But im still carrying my cross.

I dont know who to blame. I can love and hate my parents at the same time, but it's partially my fault for being foolish. I did it for "us" amd for myself. so in d end, all hsi reactions shud have been something i shud have known. But blame myself for what. will it make matters any better? I know whats done is done.
i wanted to bitch and whine to nick abt everything, but it's kinda pointless isnt it. I know what he meant when he said this is what my parents want for me, and nick i actually do understand, and yes, maybe in future i will thank them for it. But i wana make it clear, tht deep down, i will hold a bittersweet feeling towards it, and i will only love the parents in the, tht brouht me up. i will never forgive dad for what he did to me, and the trauma i went thru. i will hate the parents in them tht did this to me always. I know till im older, tht i will love and hate them.

i have a long term plan. this is what i wana do. earn, save and stabilise enuff to rent at normal rate, hve enuff to eat, wear, spend, pay bills, and buy the necessary stuff i need. i wana save for music classes again or head to lasalle in yrs to come.

I am keeping optimistic, tht oen day i'll be able to sing again. coz i cannot sing anymore.

But my band, the lull, is something i love, and will keep intact for as long as possible. I will manage it so tht we or they will always be in demand and wanted.

i know tht God has been watching over me the past almost a month since all this happened.

My heart... is tired. I have tried very hard. I have been advised to make my own decision, becoz he seems to have made his. we hardly talk now. im giving him time and space to breathe, rest and think again. i do love him and will always be grateful to him for whatever we cud share. definitely every couple will be unhappy with the other for private reasons...but im glad still we had this. yes, it may have cost me alot, but it was inevitanle. I know im still waiting for an ans. But tht ans i know most prob is gonna hurt me. coz either way, it will never be the same again.

I am not decigint to go, but im gg where the water takes me. eh is the current. if he decides to not take me to shore, i have to just go back to the sea. I dont want to. but im beginning to understand tht forcing is not gonan get anywhere. with or without im already so empty.

last yr, i shud have and kinda wished i made another decision. I dont know if its far too late to change it now.

ok im tired. meeting charles later this morning. nite all.


I'LL BE OK. I KNOW IT.i think.