i think, i have stopped crying more or less.
My heart has hardened completely. After the crying on sunday, the tears have dried up. i went for mass at holy fam on sat, and tot i cud go thru mass again opn sunday. But the min i heard nick chan and jared's voices testing the mics, i just cudnt stay any longer.
I went as fast as i cud to his house. i waited for him to wake. nothing happened. I waited longer. Nothing happened. I cudnt bear with it much more, so i decided to leave. In tht spilt second, like a movie, he took me into his arms and i broke down. he held me tight, and said sorry. told me not to leave, tht he wud try again.
after two hrs, we were single again. I juist realised hes at the age of 19 and a half. thts the age i knew him. 19 and a half. i wonder if i wasted my time. since tht nite, i felt better, but very oddly i have messed things up further. coz technically hes single, but coz i told him to call me the same sa before, since he still loves me, he has. so now we're.....together and not. i dont know how long i can witstanbd this sort of half heartedness on his part, letting him have me ard, yet not being committed. But whoose fault is it actually. mine. Coz ive let this happen. Like the poster i used to have on my wall, "to have a lizard around, is better than to not have one ard at all". I have no strength to completely get him out of my life. and i dont want to. even if i know thts the rite thing to do, since he wantst o be single. but i think the person who wud feel pain in the end is me. how did i let myself grow so attached to him. im surprised he can be strong willed enuff to leave if i say so.
as u can tell, i8m honestly in a mess with regards to this. its not like i can start dating again. i have no intention to even if im single. my heart is his.
work wise, two days at grammophone. ive learnt some stuff, but it's really a library in there. a music library. hours are long and tiring, but it's a whole day affair and to a certain extent, lets my days past faster, and end faster. i getta test out music. how kewl. pay is the only down side abt this. i really am earning peanuts....
food in orchard is blardy ex. i think im gonna start bringing biscuits to eat dur5ing break, since i bought so much at tamppines.
i feel like heading to acid bar tonight, but no money, and later have to worry abt gg home. anyway i better not. im very tired, and have to work tmr. i am still very sick, and kinda got my boss worried with all my coughing already. i try nto control it.
At night, my fears come, but i just pray and let the Lord handle it. I can't do this all. He must have a way. I'm also still finding a place to stay. rental professionally is no fucking joke. i found soem leads, tht are not confirmed yet. mite have to crash for free at someone's again for a few months or longer i hope. maybe i'll pay some. im hardly home anyway.
i miss choir. but i really am not ready to go back. i tot the familiarity of church wud be good, but when i saw familiar faces, i felt like running. something in me cant hide, and i'd break. but not seeing makes things worse sometimes.
oh well. somewhat strong and weak at the same time. just push on, till i lose it i guess. hope charles is doing fine in camp. hes like the only person who really cares.
My heart has hardened completely. After the crying on sunday, the tears have dried up. i went for mass at holy fam on sat, and tot i cud go thru mass again opn sunday. But the min i heard nick chan and jared's voices testing the mics, i just cudnt stay any longer.
I went as fast as i cud to his house. i waited for him to wake. nothing happened. I waited longer. Nothing happened. I cudnt bear with it much more, so i decided to leave. In tht spilt second, like a movie, he took me into his arms and i broke down. he held me tight, and said sorry. told me not to leave, tht he wud try again.
after two hrs, we were single again. I juist realised hes at the age of 19 and a half. thts the age i knew him. 19 and a half. i wonder if i wasted my time. since tht nite, i felt better, but very oddly i have messed things up further. coz technically hes single, but coz i told him to call me the same sa before, since he still loves me, he has. so now we're.....together and not. i dont know how long i can witstanbd this sort of half heartedness on his part, letting him have me ard, yet not being committed. But whoose fault is it actually. mine. Coz ive let this happen. Like the poster i used to have on my wall, "to have a lizard around, is better than to not have one ard at all". I have no strength to completely get him out of my life. and i dont want to. even if i know thts the rite thing to do, since he wantst o be single. but i think the person who wud feel pain in the end is me. how did i let myself grow so attached to him. im surprised he can be strong willed enuff to leave if i say so.
as u can tell, i8m honestly in a mess with regards to this. its not like i can start dating again. i have no intention to even if im single. my heart is his.
work wise, two days at grammophone. ive learnt some stuff, but it's really a library in there. a music library. hours are long and tiring, but it's a whole day affair and to a certain extent, lets my days past faster, and end faster. i getta test out music. how kewl. pay is the only down side abt this. i really am earning peanuts....
food in orchard is blardy ex. i think im gonna start bringing biscuits to eat dur5ing break, since i bought so much at tamppines.
i feel like heading to acid bar tonight, but no money, and later have to worry abt gg home. anyway i better not. im very tired, and have to work tmr. i am still very sick, and kinda got my boss worried with all my coughing already. i try nto control it.
At night, my fears come, but i just pray and let the Lord handle it. I can't do this all. He must have a way. I'm also still finding a place to stay. rental professionally is no fucking joke. i found soem leads, tht are not confirmed yet. mite have to crash for free at someone's again for a few months or longer i hope. maybe i'll pay some. im hardly home anyway.
i miss choir. but i really am not ready to go back. i tot the familiarity of church wud be good, but when i saw familiar faces, i felt like running. something in me cant hide, and i'd break. but not seeing makes things worse sometimes.
oh well. somewhat strong and weak at the same time. just push on, till i lose it i guess. hope charles is doing fine in camp. hes like the only person who really cares.
posted by melissa at 4/12/2006 03:31:00 PM
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