I've been keeping my thoughts in my head the whole day already. Finally I get to sit down and let it all out here.
Remeber how I said tht some days i miss him alot, and some days i feel bitter and angry with him, with myself, with everything tht has happened? Today was a mix of both. I woke up real tired. The nights of sleeplessness are back to haunt me again. They went away for a while, but I think tht was becoz he and I werent exactly off yet.I felt terrible on the way to work, so tired, so unrested, with my fever still persisting...and had to psycho myself out of the negative thoughts.(Im worried the vicious cycle is starting again.) Trust me it is absolutely berserk doing that. I was lucky fabian was finally back at work with us, and hes one hell of a joker, being gay and all, HAHA, yah, he is gay and gay, so his jovial character was definitely what I needed today.
He was on my mind the whole day long. Our memories kept flashing thru my mind, and things that he had said, done, said he was gonna do and didnt do, things said tht now seem like nothing anymore, things tht i did for him and gave up, etc.
Today was more of a i miss him but im too angry to cry and i just cant understand what happened day. I donnt believe how he cud just let go tht way. I remember things he said to me, and how he once needed me, and how he told me this and tht, and i did so, to make him happy, coz i wanted him to be. I remember all the times, i went out of my way, to clear my time for him, becoz ns was taking a toll on him, and he wanted to see me during his weekends. I realised last nite, how i cudnt bear to throw away febby and penguin, even tho i threw away most of the physical things tht remind me of him. But then, even my bag im using was bought by him.aghhh! Alot of places in town remind me of him as well, esp places tht mean alot to me.
Why am i the only one dealing with all this frustration. I still have two of his smses left, and one of them said tht he's proud of me for working so hard and keeping my spirits up. This was when we were on and off this last month. Suddenly im back to not being able to wake for work and all, the sickness and all coming back. this scares me, and i noe i have to pull up my socks again. I hate being this way, and i noe im the only one whoose gonna be responsible for myself now. All becoz of him, is it worth it? I fall asleep with him in my head, i wake to dreams of him. Why. why am i doing this, when i noe he cant be the least bothered abt me anymore. He's rubbed off me too much. Maybe i havent made such an impact. I feel used. Taken for granted. When i cudnt spend time with him, he wud tell me how much he misses me and tht he cudnt take it, but now when i give it my all, he throws it back at me. ALL OF IT. When im really worn out for the day, im always on the verge of crying becoz i wonder why i got myself into this big mess.
I know the way im thinking isnt right, since its done i should justlook ahead and plan to make sure i dont stumble anymore and tht i climb up slowly to a happier future for myself. Today while i felt down, i tried to remember advice and encouragement tht charles and claire and harri had given me. Their words mean so much, and i constantly play it in my head, to try to keep myself together. But recently, it's not been easy. Sunday I was happy, coz i had the support and company of friends. Mon and tues i was in the pits again. Charles, pls dont scold me. Im sorry, these thoughts are not easy to block out and im really trying to get over this period. After crying yesterday, i got to work today, and started toking to myself saying " mel, hes not gonna care if u lose yr job, or a place to stay... or money...right now, u gotta stand up for yrself remember...? u gotta show tht u can do this, u can survive on yr own...and soon, u'll be earning, saving and getting down to all yr long term plans..? " mel, dont cry anymore..it's over.. whats the point of blaming right? Whats the point of thinking of all the good things, the bad things.. and all tht..." " mel, cheer up, ure worth more than this.. u deserve to be happy too" . Felt like i have become my own machine.
I managed to smile today, and laugh, which was good. But deep down, i still feel very much hurt, angry, puzzled, and pissed off. I feel ripped apart, to be exact. I wonder if it is normal to feel insecure abt oneself, esp after a break up? i feel very ugly now, even when i dress fine. I bought new clothes, and i need to wear tht to feel a bit better. But i feel ugly, i feel fat, and very self concious now. Sometimes when I stare in the mirror, then i remember I dont look tht ugly. My confidence level has dipped as well, and sometimes i have no mood or rather no desire to sing and tht reallly fightens me. No desire u noe, not even no mood. Just too empty inside, no feeling to sing.
For a while after i was kicked out, i still hung on, and had the drive, coz it was so crucial and i know i still wanted to push on for us...but it is scaring me tht im losing it. Im trying to psycho myself very hard..coz i musnt disappoint myself, and all those ard me who want to see me stand up again. I don't live for him and me anymore, i need to be strong.
Why jw. why leave me now. It makes me feel like i should have left u last yr, and maybe it mite have saved me from all this. Im not blaming you for all this tht has happened. I definitely caused it myself too, but now who do i turn to or say ive done well to?
Many times, i try very hard to wash the thought off my mind tht im no longer at home. Not having my room anymore, no matter how comfortable i am where i am, it's never the same anymore. I live out of plastic bags and cupboard and drawers, bed, and pillows tht dont belong to me. Im very grateful to have a great flatmate. pat really helps me smile a bit. We had ice cream together tonite, and we just share everything and im happy for tht. I paid rent already too. The on,y other place tht felt like home was yr place. Or at least when ure ard.
I knwo i may have my negative side, but I don't think im tht pathetic tht theres nothing gd abt me rite. i cud use yr support, love and strength. What happened to the early days. Where did it all go to? When u wanted me by yr side,when u booked out, when u came out just for a nite...what happened, to the smile u used to have when u saw me.. I feel very disapointed at all yr empty promises. I feel rather foolish for having believed in us, in u...it hurts. Why the hell am i working in a cd shop? The one place u went to soo much tht i cudnt appreciate the joys of going to a cd shop anymore. But after working in one, i fionally understand why u stayed in those shops for hours on end. it relieves me tht i noe it now. And when Im finally in yr fav cd shop, u come to my outlet, and wont even step in. I felt so offended. Why did it have to end and end this way and end now? I highly underestimated our 16 months together. Theres been too many memroies, too much sacrifice, too much of things, the equation had been unbalanced for so long but we did nothing abt it. I still have soft copies of our photos..and looking back just makes me not believe whats happening now. Uve changed.
I know charles will scold me if he was online now.. so much negative thoughts. not gonna do me any good. i dont want to be like this either. i shouldnt keep talking abt all this. I noe once a breakup happens, its never good to talk abt things tht are past already. No point keep dwelling, blaming and thinking where it all went wrong.. but i guess i have to till I get over all this. It has left me too scarred. No, u have to believe me tht I do not intentionally think of all this.

Only God knows whats in store for me,a nd I remember charles told em over sms the other day tht im never alone in any one situation..i must be grateful i still have a job, a place to rent, and friends and nick and people in church who care... i will never drive myself to the point th led vicki to leave us forever. I noe God will take care of me when Im weary.

I also hope all those who are nursing broken hearts from fresh break ups...will cope somehow..and those who are havine trying times. I hope my friends thru their daily lives, will be ok when im not able to give more to them...

I will try to rest more from tmr onwards, and keep my mind set on being early again for work, no matter how stale it can get. I noe i gotta try to be more positive. thts the only way im gonna get myself out of this.....: ( This is really testing.
Tolerance, patience, drive and discipline are what I need all over again.

Actually, i just really want a break. A holiday. It's so fucking overdue.

save. shit save.