...in her head again.......
..After a day or more of fun.. as i head back, reality seeps back in... really had alot of fun last night, though i was close to drunk already... still concious of what was happening, but after so many glasses of vodka+pepsi, vodka+ice-cream soda, vodka+cokem vodka+ice-lemon tea, I felt a high I'd never felt all the times tht i got high previously. I didn't like it actually. Very shaky, and couldn't walk properly. I knew what was being said ard me and all, but really couldnt move...so lerping told me to just lie down and not move anymore or i'd puke... Joycelyn's alchohol tolerance level is amazing.. but still lerping's was the ultimate... he was the last man standing.. hahahahaa gabriel was gone after his final three shots of pure vodka.. and joycelyn was just a bit high only....I went thru my whole laughing fit again. Quite hilarious. We started with more soft drinks.. and then when the ace of spades game started, then we really started to lose it, coz whoever got the ace had to take a shot. But all this was fun , coz we were among trust worthy friends, and lerping's parents were ard.. so all was good. However, I don't think I wana drink till i get this high again. It's quite a yucky feeling. The next day's hang over can be quite bad if you don't get enuff rest. However I did.
Lerping and I were the last to wake today. After a bath, i headed to bugis to meet Andrea. I had a good dinner and night with her. She's still so fresh looking, like 6 yrs ago when I first knew her. She looks so clean now, with her simple long hair and hairband. The girl next door look.
I think though that even though I've been feeling emotionally better, I must have been quite wrong. I'm just simply distracting myself as much as possible and having crazily late nights, which I know I have to correct. Coz I'm back to my "buying nonsense" and I bought a whole lot of accessories again. I got carried away while just wanting to get Tammy a bday gift. But the pushcart stall I was at today, had extremely unique, gorgeous stuff. Tammy and Lisa's sorta stuff. Very very pretty. I resisted the expensive stuff but something tells me I'm gonna head back there to buy more. Afew stalls down, there was this stall selling lovely clocks, leather handphone straps, shimery ones and also, portable small radios. I'm considering one of them... need one...
I was quite happy, but I could tell I was feeling insecure and inferior abt myself again. Coz as I made my way back, I kept staring at other girls and how they looked better than me, had prettier clothes and accessories. I realised that my depression was creeping in again. And just as I was listening to a Ray Lamontagne song, tears started streaming down. I was alone again, at the bottom of my block, and though sleepy, I felt so in need of someone's company, andnot just anyone's but his. I've been fighting this thought for so long...and it's really painful. After crying,I felt better though.
Made my way upstaris, and got down to practising for tmr. Pat came back and initially there was this major uneasiness and awkwardness in me. After tht misunderstanding, I was wondering how I was gonna laugh it all off again and pretend it all didn't happen. So I chose the best thing, and it was true anyway. I really couldn't tune my guit.. so I got him to tune it for me. And tht uneasiness all disappeared. I feel very bad.
Today, is the 17th of June 2006. We would have beene exactly one and a half yrs together today. but we were two months short. I regurgitated one+ yr of history to andrea earlier tonight. And YET even after having doen that, deep down I still love him. Tell me how unfortunate that is.
It hurts still so badly.
On the brighter side of things, Charles went back to Aussie last night. Well. I'm happy for him. Cannot be selfish right. hahaha. Hope when he gets back, we will be able to meet up again... it's been a while. He was very thoughtful last night though...and his gesture to msg me was indeed very touching. I was honestly moved that he bothered. I hope he has a great time there, eso with his family.
I have been listening quite intently to rachael yamagata and ray lamontagne these two days... Charles shud cover Ray actually...folky stuff too... then it wud be a damien rice meets jeff buckley meets ray lamontagne AHA.
So we both write abt charles i just noticed... hmms...and hes happily getting to know another gurl now... see? so much for not wanting to... absolute bullshit. : (
..After a day or more of fun.. as i head back, reality seeps back in... really had alot of fun last night, though i was close to drunk already... still concious of what was happening, but after so many glasses of vodka+pepsi, vodka+ice-cream soda, vodka+cokem vodka+ice-lemon tea, I felt a high I'd never felt all the times tht i got high previously. I didn't like it actually. Very shaky, and couldn't walk properly. I knew what was being said ard me and all, but really couldnt move...so lerping told me to just lie down and not move anymore or i'd puke... Joycelyn's alchohol tolerance level is amazing.. but still lerping's was the ultimate... he was the last man standing.. hahahahaa gabriel was gone after his final three shots of pure vodka.. and joycelyn was just a bit high only....I went thru my whole laughing fit again. Quite hilarious. We started with more soft drinks.. and then when the ace of spades game started, then we really started to lose it, coz whoever got the ace had to take a shot. But all this was fun , coz we were among trust worthy friends, and lerping's parents were ard.. so all was good. However, I don't think I wana drink till i get this high again. It's quite a yucky feeling. The next day's hang over can be quite bad if you don't get enuff rest. However I did.
Lerping and I were the last to wake today. After a bath, i headed to bugis to meet Andrea. I had a good dinner and night with her. She's still so fresh looking, like 6 yrs ago when I first knew her. She looks so clean now, with her simple long hair and hairband. The girl next door look.
I think though that even though I've been feeling emotionally better, I must have been quite wrong. I'm just simply distracting myself as much as possible and having crazily late nights, which I know I have to correct. Coz I'm back to my "buying nonsense" and I bought a whole lot of accessories again. I got carried away while just wanting to get Tammy a bday gift. But the pushcart stall I was at today, had extremely unique, gorgeous stuff. Tammy and Lisa's sorta stuff. Very very pretty. I resisted the expensive stuff but something tells me I'm gonna head back there to buy more. Afew stalls down, there was this stall selling lovely clocks, leather handphone straps, shimery ones and also, portable small radios. I'm considering one of them... need one...
I was quite happy, but I could tell I was feeling insecure and inferior abt myself again. Coz as I made my way back, I kept staring at other girls and how they looked better than me, had prettier clothes and accessories. I realised that my depression was creeping in again. And just as I was listening to a Ray Lamontagne song, tears started streaming down. I was alone again, at the bottom of my block, and though sleepy, I felt so in need of someone's company, andnot just anyone's but his. I've been fighting this thought for so long...and it's really painful. After crying,I felt better though.
Made my way upstaris, and got down to practising for tmr. Pat came back and initially there was this major uneasiness and awkwardness in me. After tht misunderstanding, I was wondering how I was gonna laugh it all off again and pretend it all didn't happen. So I chose the best thing, and it was true anyway. I really couldn't tune my guit.. so I got him to tune it for me. And tht uneasiness all disappeared. I feel very bad.
Today, is the 17th of June 2006. We would have beene exactly one and a half yrs together today. but we were two months short. I regurgitated one+ yr of history to andrea earlier tonight. And YET even after having doen that, deep down I still love him. Tell me how unfortunate that is.
It hurts still so badly.
On the brighter side of things, Charles went back to Aussie last night. Well. I'm happy for him. Cannot be selfish right. hahaha. Hope when he gets back, we will be able to meet up again... it's been a while. He was very thoughtful last night though...and his gesture to msg me was indeed very touching. I was honestly moved that he bothered. I hope he has a great time there, eso with his family.
I have been listening quite intently to rachael yamagata and ray lamontagne these two days... Charles shud cover Ray actually...folky stuff too... then it wud be a damien rice meets jeff buckley meets ray lamontagne AHA.
So we both write abt charles i just noticed... hmms...and hes happily getting to know another gurl now... see? so much for not wanting to... absolute bullshit. : (
posted by melissa at 6/18/2006 03:26:00 AM
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