I just spoke to Claire. We were talking abt her younger sister and how her mother is angry she has a bf now, and tht wud probably mean she cant be with him anymore. As we spoke, things started to unfold, and Claire spoke like how Nick wud. And suddenly i saw where he was coming from all this while; Claire mentioned abt her sis not being able to handle her life, herself, her studies, let alone try to juggle soemone else's? That its nice shes happy for once, but tht she shudnt need someone else to be happy or independant. That she doesnt need to go thru it physically to understand it.. but yet weall know some poeple need to which is sad, like me, this hopeless case here. We spoke of parents views..and i realised i understood it all, but i contrdicted myself when I said they cant protect her forever even if she isnt ready...yet tht nite i told nick if dad and mum really felt i wasnt ready, then by throwing me out, it was just worse... i know how its better to keep the child safe than to let her get burnt otherwise...but still i insisted she shud try to learn how to deal with it.. and Claire said how her sister has to learn how to juggle her life more adequately if she wanted the relationship... Nick used to speak to me abt a "plan", and Claire did too... abt being answerable and accountable to parents even if ure not exactly doing what u say ure doing... deceitful but on another level well planned.. so tht if u wana keep a secret, u keep it well and not in halves... all this Nick told me before.. but i never accepted or listened..and i realised as I told Claire, abt how impatient, irresponsible, ill disciplined, stubborn I have always been. She told me abt her friend who has had his relationship with someone much older than himself, since he was 14. She said he got a scholarship to study, and got coaching jobs... and kept his relationship secret for many yrs..and now he's 21 like me and Claire... i dont know what to say...but at the same time as I spoke to her abt all that has happened, I asked if it was entirely my fault? I cud never speak to mum and dad abt how i felt wihtout getting ridiculed and laughed at like i was some idiot. I told her how unhappy i felt at home, tht, tht yearning for love and attention was not there.. only Nick really feels like home to me. She told me how sometimes when u love, u have to give in to a certain extent and u wud oblidge anyway becoz u love.. and maybe thts why i didnt do tht for mum and dad.. coz over the yrs, i didnt really feel such great love for them anymore... though i will admit now tht of coz i still do love them... but at the same time i told her, how i cant forgive becoz of the trauma i was put thru... i feel really inferior and shitty...
she asked me if jw ever attempted to speak to dad and mum. i said yes he alwasy offered, but i wanted to protect him becoz they were so prejudiced already becoz of my poor handling of everything and not becoz of him... but when it came down to really speaking with them, or meeting them, he really disappointed me. We both cud not stand how restrictive they were, esp when it was seeing him once a week, (tht was for me), and the curfews and all, esp when i wanted to be out for gigs.They simply made it so difficult. I guess i cud never see their pov. And today i pay my price. But beocoz it takes two hands to clap, i think they just failed in getting thru to me. They wud say i cudnt be attached till i was done with schl,. but they never really said how come becoz i cudnt handle myself, or becoz of things tht i wudnt be able to understand... from a young age i cudnt open up to them, and i think tht really was the blunt of all misunderstanding and miscommunication. I think jw wanted me at a certain point, then when all this happened, he sat down and realised he wanted his freedom, his fun, his music, and tht he cudnt take care of me, becoz his own head was so whacked. So was mine. I told Claire i felt terrible tht at this age, im still so crappy while as least for her, shes definitely seeing things like an adult. I remember how Charles used to scold me, and say tht certain things i said was bull shit, and tht the way i acted didnt potray maturity... he was right.. and i remember also feeling like the way i feel now.-like a bad rotten apple. But, then, Claire told me, we're all in this stage, just different levels...ad we still can map out what we want, and how to do it, and achieve it.. and make things rite.. but now i noe what big Sam meant.. certain mistakes are irreversible...an u'll only regret...and tht regret i hold now...and to a certain extent, it's a bit too late...

There really is a price to pay for everything.. every decision, every mistake, every choice...if anyone of u out there, are flirting ard..watch out u'll pay yr dues... if any of u, are lying to yr partner, os parents...and dont do it smartly..watch out u'll pay your dues too...

I'm really tired.