...in her head again.......
-Monday 7th August 2006-
I met-up withh a poly gurl fren today, whoose name I will not reveal for confidentiality sake.
I'd normally not bring up the topics I discuss with frens, but I felt her situation now, is really similar to what ive been going thru.
She just broke up with her bf for the second time this year. They are a month short of a yr. I spoke to her, and she shared with me abt some of the things she felt; alot of which I now realise was what JW felt back then at tht point in time, and even now still, perhaps. But thru her sharing, and even another friend's recent fall out with her partner, I got some insight to how JW felt.
We're all, perhaps, gg thru similar things, esp in relationships. We're all young, we're all experiencing similar transitions, similar obstacles, in different situations, thts the only difference. But becoz of these, the hiccups we encounter as couples are similar too.
I asked her why she's letting him go again, when she noes well she shud treasure him, (becoz this is how she did feel)/ (notice jw also broke up with me twice)And she said she felt it coming again after the last time. She mentioned issues like (1)having nothing to talk abt on the phone or in person,(2) and tht there were certain things she just cudnt tok to him abt as a couple. She mentioned the issue of(3) her parents, never approving off him even in future, not becoz they dont allow, but becoz of the difference in religion and race. She mentioned how(4) tired she was, abt the whole couple thing, the expectations, the stress it unnecessarily weighed on her and on him, and (5)having to juggle part-time uni now with part-time work, her parents and him. It's just a bit too much for now ( and this is smth jw brought up as well).
She mentioned abt how she (6) of coz misses him, and tht hes nice, and she feels really bad abt doing this, but at the same time,(7) she feels that seeing him now, no longer makes her tht happy, nor does she love him tht much anymore. (and if she does, perhaps she just likes him as a person). (This is smth I believe might have hapened to us as well).(8) She told me of how she felt smth for someone else, and tht she cant put a finger to it, nor give an ans as to why the other guy may have smth her present guy doesnt have, but how is she gonna say it to her present guy? and (9) that its not abt the new guy so much anyway..she just doesnt feel like being with anyone right now. (smth JW said as well, in the same exact line as she did " It's not abt the other party, I just don't feel like being with anyone right now". (And I crigned, not sure if its the right word to use right this moment, but yea, I shivered sorta at the sound of the same words, same line, ringing in my head again.} (10). She talked abt how it's easier being friends, coz there's no expectations, and the unnecessary stress of -why are u not msging me or calling or why arent u free today- al this, is taken off the already heavy "weight" she is currently feeling. (And I cudnt agree more with her. It definitely feels good, to not bother so much and be care-free and whatever goes. Even if u still meet up etc, still there are no strings attached anymore.) Well of coz, the most ideal, wil be to be able to handle the relationship so well, tht it isnt a problem. But perhaps ALL OUR MAJOR PROBLEMS are that we're simply not mature enuff to handle these unnecessary relationship stresses.
We want our cake and we want to eat it, but not finish it. Every single one of us, wants someone special, or wants to be loved, and treated special, even by friends. And thts what she wants, without the extra noun in front. NOT BOY-friend, but FRIEND, with love. Definitely difficult, but not impossible. I felt, like she was JW talking to me, and I was her ex, listening to her.
This meeting today with her, to listen and give her a "shoulder" to lean on, but more like a friend to listen to her, came in very timely, esp after last night. And Im glad it re-enforced what I was feeling. Coz I know that whatever took place, had nothing to do with wanting to be re-attached or being committed again. And I want you to know that too, wei.. that Im fine with everything as it is now. I dont want you to worry tht Im gonna cling or expect anything more just becoz we're close. I noe how u feel, and theres no more anger. Of coz I dont deny the ideal wud be great,but now, even if love doesnt exist from u to me.. I dont expect it and I noe if u find someone else next time, I noe i may just really lose u. and thts fine with me. But till then, Im still here, in whatever way u want, need, and we still have our gigs to attend to most importantly too.
Remember we started out wanting to do a duo? So let's just do it. It's been postponeds for too long. I need a great guitarist and we agreed on this already. So here's looking at u, :).
All I can do is pray. Pray for direction. As it is, im needing another job, and nothing, nothing's gonna break me. Nothing. Only u can weaken me.
But I also realised last night, that there's really no one else for me. At least to me now, only u have space in me.
-Monday 7th August 2006-
I met-up withh a poly gurl fren today, whoose name I will not reveal for confidentiality sake.
I'd normally not bring up the topics I discuss with frens, but I felt her situation now, is really similar to what ive been going thru.
She just broke up with her bf for the second time this year. They are a month short of a yr. I spoke to her, and she shared with me abt some of the things she felt; alot of which I now realise was what JW felt back then at tht point in time, and even now still, perhaps. But thru her sharing, and even another friend's recent fall out with her partner, I got some insight to how JW felt.
We're all, perhaps, gg thru similar things, esp in relationships. We're all young, we're all experiencing similar transitions, similar obstacles, in different situations, thts the only difference. But becoz of these, the hiccups we encounter as couples are similar too.
I asked her why she's letting him go again, when she noes well she shud treasure him, (becoz this is how she did feel)/ (notice jw also broke up with me twice)And she said she felt it coming again after the last time. She mentioned issues like (1)having nothing to talk abt on the phone or in person,(2) and tht there were certain things she just cudnt tok to him abt as a couple. She mentioned the issue of(3) her parents, never approving off him even in future, not becoz they dont allow, but becoz of the difference in religion and race. She mentioned how(4) tired she was, abt the whole couple thing, the expectations, the stress it unnecessarily weighed on her and on him, and (5)having to juggle part-time uni now with part-time work, her parents and him. It's just a bit too much for now ( and this is smth jw brought up as well).
She mentioned abt how she (6) of coz misses him, and tht hes nice, and she feels really bad abt doing this, but at the same time,(7) she feels that seeing him now, no longer makes her tht happy, nor does she love him tht much anymore. (and if she does, perhaps she just likes him as a person). (This is smth I believe might have hapened to us as well).(8) She told me of how she felt smth for someone else, and tht she cant put a finger to it, nor give an ans as to why the other guy may have smth her present guy doesnt have, but how is she gonna say it to her present guy? and (9) that its not abt the new guy so much anyway..she just doesnt feel like being with anyone right now. (smth JW said as well, in the same exact line as she did " It's not abt the other party, I just don't feel like being with anyone right now". (And I crigned, not sure if its the right word to use right this moment, but yea, I shivered sorta at the sound of the same words, same line, ringing in my head again.} (10). She talked abt how it's easier being friends, coz there's no expectations, and the unnecessary stress of -why are u not msging me or calling or why arent u free today- al this, is taken off the already heavy "weight" she is currently feeling. (And I cudnt agree more with her. It definitely feels good, to not bother so much and be care-free and whatever goes. Even if u still meet up etc, still there are no strings attached anymore.) Well of coz, the most ideal, wil be to be able to handle the relationship so well, tht it isnt a problem. But perhaps ALL OUR MAJOR PROBLEMS are that we're simply not mature enuff to handle these unnecessary relationship stresses.
We want our cake and we want to eat it, but not finish it. Every single one of us, wants someone special, or wants to be loved, and treated special, even by friends. And thts what she wants, without the extra noun in front. NOT BOY-friend, but FRIEND, with love. Definitely difficult, but not impossible. I felt, like she was JW talking to me, and I was her ex, listening to her.
This meeting today with her, to listen and give her a "shoulder" to lean on, but more like a friend to listen to her, came in very timely, esp after last night. And Im glad it re-enforced what I was feeling. Coz I know that whatever took place, had nothing to do with wanting to be re-attached or being committed again. And I want you to know that too, wei.. that Im fine with everything as it is now. I dont want you to worry tht Im gonna cling or expect anything more just becoz we're close. I noe how u feel, and theres no more anger. Of coz I dont deny the ideal wud be great,but now, even if love doesnt exist from u to me.. I dont expect it and I noe if u find someone else next time, I noe i may just really lose u. and thts fine with me. But till then, Im still here, in whatever way u want, need, and we still have our gigs to attend to most importantly too.
Remember we started out wanting to do a duo? So let's just do it. It's been postponeds for too long. I need a great guitarist and we agreed on this already. So here's looking at u, :).
All I can do is pray. Pray for direction. As it is, im needing another job, and nothing, nothing's gonna break me. Nothing. Only u can weaken me.
But I also realised last night, that there's really no one else for me. At least to me now, only u have space in me.
posted by melissa at 8/08/2006 02:09:00 AM
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