...in her head again.......

FRIDAY 06 OCT


i lost my job.
again.

i was starting to become someone i cud be proud of, and now. im nothing again.


im not sure anymore what God really wants me to do.
Marcus asked me to join Youth Mentors. I really want to. thts on wednesdays.
Marlene asked me to join Youth Arise. I really want to. thts on sat nites.
Jem asked me to stay on with YMM. And I wish I can say yes too. But thts on fri nites and one sat end of the month.

No more job. Still have a tuition kid on tues and thurs. for tht i miss cantor practices, but i feel i can still serve tht without gg. so ok.
Fri and sats i still wana work at blujaz. But i cant work there five days. when i gig, i miss a fro or sat of work tths abt it. but i comprimise my weekend outings and gigs, for work, becoz at blujaz, there are gigs too, so not tht bad. i seem to only work best there. I THINK.

Turns out im not a great teacher, and im not tht smart.
I know deep down its true, and tht im not a great tutor.
All ive been doing with all the kids ive taught, is simply trying my best for them.

The last few weeks, Ive been giving my all to everything. Even if I "fell". Im fighting a flu thts getting from bad to worse. Now the haze is killing me, and im getting chests pains. I feel i need an inhaler soon.

i dont like to be negative. I dont like to think negative, and so ive been trying so hard to work things out. To be a capable person, for myself, and for the peace of mind of others ard me.

I really donjt know what I should do now.
I need to work. I know tht.
I want to serve God too.
I was telling jasmine just now, tht its not as simple as saying prioritise. its not as simple as saying just take any other job around. im "unfortunate" in tht sense, to have callings from God. And I know I have to and want to fulfil them. If i cud tear myself into three, every weekday nite, I wud work f&b some place, and every other weekday nite, I wud go to church and serve the ministires tht I waan explore. And every fri i wud be at ymm and be at blujac working and be at some place watching gigs, to further broaden my music standard.

I feel Im not so sure who I am anymore, just at the point th I tot I did. And fi im not sure, who can be sure who I am? Im starting to see tht im not meant for the media, yet I seem to be getting more and more exposure to it. I feel like Im only meant to gig as a hobby and not as a job. Tht my voice is only to serve God more essentially. I feel tht the only job im gd at, is waitressing and working at night. Then how?

There are many things I wana do.
It's difficult to explain to my non church friends.
If ure a church goer, u'll understand how difficult it is, to have different sets of friends. For myself, I have church, i have outside friends, I have past schl friends, past colleagues from all soets of backgrounds.

I dont really know how to explain myself. When I went to meet Nai at gramophone today for example, we tok abt music. When i explain tht i cant work at gramo, even though i wish i can, its not smth i expect him to understand. With msuic friends, we go to gigs together, we play together, but i dont expect them to understand church. WHen i meet ex colleagues, I dont expect them to understand my msic life at all, least my church life and how impt a role it plays for me. When im with church friends, we tok and share abt church activities, life not as much, unless we're close, the people in our hearts, but music takes a back seat. yet they are the only people who wud understand why prasise and worship brings out so much in us. And tht when u close yr eyes and pray, with music playing in the background, there is a very real prescene I can feel.

Tonite, Camile said she can help me register with Fullerton hotel and do banquets. They have daily functions and pay well. I tot hmm yea i cud do tht! Then how abt my tuition kid? Blujaz? I have committed myself to them already. its a working relationship tht cannot be on off, coz thts very unfair to the other parties involved. But if i keep the kid, im giving up nites of earning more money. yet at one point, becoz of my physical limitations, i know i cudnt do waitresing as my job. Yet no day job seems to work for me. Then how am i gonna serve God?

After the next two gigs, I really dont wana do anymore for now. I just cant. I dont know thts how i feel now. Theres so much I want to achieve for myself. So much I want to do.

Today was truly breaking point. Yet I started crying and then stopped. I realised I was too tired to cry. I decidced not to go to blujaz tonite, not becoz i didnt wana earn money and wasnt prioritising, but becoz i really neeeded time with God, and jem really needed me at YMM tonite. Thts when we had supper later, in the HAZE, and marus shared with me abt youth mentors. And marlene msg to ask me to go tmr for youth arise, but I have to go blujaz to work tmr.

God what is gg on?!?!

Why is my jigsaw puzzle SO SPECIAL. My cross i carry is getting so heavy, i wonder where i get my strength from.


And with relation to matters of the heart, im starting to realise YES there are many fish in the sea, nice to look at, sometimes better just to know a bit and not so much of them, and on the other hand, its nice to just secretly admire or whatever. i mean its nice to have them as friends. My heart isnt ready. And I dont know what hes doing, dropping me msgs, still showing concern. I dont know WHAT TO THINK ANYMORE. I really dont. it pains me to ignore, but im so confused, i just have to.

if i have totally mesed yr head tonite, people, i truly apologise.
funny u noe. everytime i start to publicise my job, i lose it. like either putting teacher at where for example, or putting up photos...thts why now im afraid to tell people. im ashamed.

I wanted to be this confident girl, juggling three jobs, earning olrite, and gg to church on sundays the least, till i became more stable. i wanted to be the gurl who became healthier, and gigged with more capability. I wanted to be the melissa tht everyone wud one day say, she finally can do it on her own.



I need some time alone.