and she dreams again...
The specialist aint looking good. Problems are arising and personal agendas are getting in the way. Personal thoughts in our individual heads are getting in our way as well. It certainly doesnt help that i'm starting to hate school, save for b&w photog. HELP. The script may even be changed?? (in the 6th week of school?) I don't know how, now. At fist, my own unwillingness to get letters ready was worrying me, coz when we'll need it, i wouldn't have them ready and i'm answerable to that. But even then, my member i/c of sypnosis and all isn't getting back to me, write what shit? Mmmm.. Now, i think the project is at a further standstill, and i'm fucking scared. God, please, help us. You're always there, and you never fail to prove that to me, and i worry, worry, worry, pray and pray and still worry...I'm so sorry, but I need you so much. Please give us guidance, shine your wisdom unto us.
I don't know what to do anymore, my heart and mind is confused, and if it was a ball of threads, it's definitely very badly tangled now. I feel pain, i feel love, i feel an overwhelming need to move away. (But I don't know why, becoz the friendship still means so much to me.) He realli doesn't seem to care. I'm not impt in his eyes; not at all. Four weeks ago, there was a day we spent together. We were realli close, and I was realli happy. But it was the same day, our friend teased us again and after tht, told me off ( i don't know why). Then the next week, he was totally cold to me. I didn't understand why either. Then the following week, on a friday, when we met at a friend's place, i chose to talk, so he was all friendly and everything was like it always was. The next day, after smth tht happened to him and after my questioning, we left off on a not so clear note. Hence the next day was pretty weird, though i still lent him my player. Then this was the week i sat down to think what was happening. After all, we've had our times, we've had our moments. There was a whole load of teasing too. Unwanted, perhaps. I realised, this wasn't good, I'd better back off, and I've done that two weeks ago since last week. Is it wrong of me? I don't mean to totally be out of his life, but i can't seem to be friendly to him and at the same time, move away. how do i do tht? i don't know how.
The faction, and some new members went for dinner tonite, to celebrate Charlene's bdae. We ate "zi cha" at the coffeeshop next to siglap centre, and then proceeded to cheesecake cafe for desert. I wish time would have stopped there. The cafe was lovely. The only thing that was missing, was him. I may not have enjoyed myself as much, maybe, coz of the situation now. But we mite have ended up chatting and everything mite have turned out a-ok, coz that was what happened with me and the friend who teased us. I was ignoring him too, but tonite, i couldn't coz that would be awkward. So, i'm reelli not sure where to go from here. I honestly don't. It's his bro's bade on tuesday, so i guess they went for a family dinner. Why can't i just get out of it? Maybe it's becoz i refuse to. I'm unwilling to let go of smth i've given almost all i could give, and still hoping that it is the choice im suppose to make. This is really bad, coz i'm not letting God work here?? Is he, or is it me trying to control smth i can't?
I really absolutely wish you could give me answers. But i don't dare ever bring it up to you. What right does it give me then to love you? if i don't dare to talk to you about it? But, I'm not supposed to. That's the dignity i'm supposed to keep. Help me. Please.
The specialist aint looking good. Problems are arising and personal agendas are getting in the way. Personal thoughts in our individual heads are getting in our way as well. It certainly doesnt help that i'm starting to hate school, save for b&w photog. HELP. The script may even be changed?? (in the 6th week of school?) I don't know how, now. At fist, my own unwillingness to get letters ready was worrying me, coz when we'll need it, i wouldn't have them ready and i'm answerable to that. But even then, my member i/c of sypnosis and all isn't getting back to me, write what shit? Mmmm.. Now, i think the project is at a further standstill, and i'm fucking scared. God, please, help us. You're always there, and you never fail to prove that to me, and i worry, worry, worry, pray and pray and still worry...I'm so sorry, but I need you so much. Please give us guidance, shine your wisdom unto us.
I don't know what to do anymore, my heart and mind is confused, and if it was a ball of threads, it's definitely very badly tangled now. I feel pain, i feel love, i feel an overwhelming need to move away. (But I don't know why, becoz the friendship still means so much to me.) He realli doesn't seem to care. I'm not impt in his eyes; not at all. Four weeks ago, there was a day we spent together. We were realli close, and I was realli happy. But it was the same day, our friend teased us again and after tht, told me off ( i don't know why). Then the next week, he was totally cold to me. I didn't understand why either. Then the following week, on a friday, when we met at a friend's place, i chose to talk, so he was all friendly and everything was like it always was. The next day, after smth tht happened to him and after my questioning, we left off on a not so clear note. Hence the next day was pretty weird, though i still lent him my player. Then this was the week i sat down to think what was happening. After all, we've had our times, we've had our moments. There was a whole load of teasing too. Unwanted, perhaps. I realised, this wasn't good, I'd better back off, and I've done that two weeks ago since last week. Is it wrong of me? I don't mean to totally be out of his life, but i can't seem to be friendly to him and at the same time, move away. how do i do tht? i don't know how.
The faction, and some new members went for dinner tonite, to celebrate Charlene's bdae. We ate "zi cha" at the coffeeshop next to siglap centre, and then proceeded to cheesecake cafe for desert. I wish time would have stopped there. The cafe was lovely. The only thing that was missing, was him. I may not have enjoyed myself as much, maybe, coz of the situation now. But we mite have ended up chatting and everything mite have turned out a-ok, coz that was what happened with me and the friend who teased us. I was ignoring him too, but tonite, i couldn't coz that would be awkward. So, i'm reelli not sure where to go from here. I honestly don't. It's his bro's bade on tuesday, so i guess they went for a family dinner. Why can't i just get out of it? Maybe it's becoz i refuse to. I'm unwilling to let go of smth i've given almost all i could give, and still hoping that it is the choice im suppose to make. This is really bad, coz i'm not letting God work here?? Is he, or is it me trying to control smth i can't?
I really absolutely wish you could give me answers. But i don't dare ever bring it up to you. What right does it give me then to love you? if i don't dare to talk to you about it? But, I'm not supposed to. That's the dignity i'm supposed to keep. Help me. Please.
posted by melissa at 8/02/2004 02:45:00 AM
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