and she dreams again...
Its been one hard week. Exactly 6 days ago, I started crying at any time of the day, in front of anyone, even strangers. Becoz i hurt someone I love. he didn't believe me. There was nothing I could do about it, until I asked him to call me. I didn't like prepare myself to cry, of coz not. In fact, it's been the longest time, that i was happy to hear from him again, and relieved to as well. The knowledge of him being disappointed and angry with me made me feel incredible sadness. Becoz I know I hurt someone who loves me very much.
I thought about writing online for the whole week. I didn't know which would be better: To not write at all, as it is private matters, or to write so that i could try to explain. The night he called, I felt like running to him. He called....he actually called upon my request. He wanted to, I know. These last few nights, he hasn't msg or called. It's like, becoz I havent given an answer, he has also thus stayed with the decision of having nothing to do with me anymore for now, till he comes out tmr. I haven't msg but he doesnt know he;' been on my mind every single day of the week. Did I make the wrong decision? Initially I tot I ddn't, then I tot I did, and now...I'll say maybe I did, but it's all for the better of him and not me. I told him whatever i told him, and he was angry and sad also. And I reaslied tht he didnt mind me being unfair to him, but I can't do that. it's just against my consience.After days of dwelling on this and on him, I have to let him go. To let him heal, to let him be happier. of coz, not immediately, but he'll be happier, coz I do not want to give half heartedly. That's not love. Love is when u let him go. Becoz u want him to be happier.
The first day, i tot, heck, let him be mad with me, maybe tht'll be better. But after that, I felt he needed to know at least not to be angry with me for the wrong stuff. I dont mind him scolding me and blaming me for anything else. He was very fierce that night. I felt scared. But I noe he was onli too hurt. I broke down when he called, and I think onli then he understoof I wasnt lying to him.
Tmr he is booking out. Or maybe he booked out today..I really dont know. Shirin says fridays sometimes are book out days. I want to see him. Actually I really wana stay close to him, even if we're not lovers..then I could still care...but im afraid he isnt giving me a choice, and I dont blame him either. I hope tmr, after work, when i go look for him, he'll listen me out. I still have a need to see him.
This week; besides the emotional rollder coaster, i have tasted the waters of juggling two jobs, church, and whatnots. It isnt easy. I havent felt this tired in a long time. I haven't been eating properly. No appetite. I go to work on an empty stomach, i drink water at most, and eat very liight. I dont remember having a proper meal today either. Snacks at most. I just can't eat even when im hungry. Emotionally very drained...Mentally very drained, physically very worn out. The jobs ae taxing me. I have to OT coz there's too much work on one job. Im getting told off from another that Im not supposed to have two jobs. I havent slept well d entire week. Last night was the worst. I dreamnt that his bro bro's gf were very angry with me..i saw thw whole thing play in my mind, and i woke up upset. Coz I know his bro is mad with me. Late for work, late for opening, today was a disaster.
However,this evening, I attended a dance ensemble in TP and it helped a little to lighten my heavy heart. The dance items were very well ceographed, and the dancers were very impressive. Most of the items used lounge music like what U hear on lush 99.5 fm. I always liked the graceful movements of ballerinas, and the night's many items were exciting, enticing, sexy, graceful, and really smooth. the way the body can look so artistic because of the smooth way the body moves, is truly amazing. I was on the dge of my seat throughout. At one point I felt "weak" again though. Today i felt like crying again, butthe last few days, i actually stopped crying. Ive had support from my close friends, and it has been a little less harder to manage.
I feel better after writing now. If I don't it'll all be kept inside, waiting to explode. I wish he didnt give me a time...a dateline...can i drag it? so tht he wont leave my life so soon? Onli he can give me tht ans. But I know u can NEVER have yr cake and eat it.
I think there are two chinese song lyrics tht describes the way he feels now. guang liang's "tong hua" and zhou jie lun's " an jing" . He would agree, if he understood the lyrics, coz after hearing them today, guilt consumed me. But all I can say is Im really sorry. Dont leave?
This seems to be the season for break-ups. My two friends are also going through a tough time...and I hope nothing happens and it'll be fine in the end. My advice...dun say the wrong things out too soon, or you'll hurt someone u love. I did.
Its been one hard week. Exactly 6 days ago, I started crying at any time of the day, in front of anyone, even strangers. Becoz i hurt someone I love. he didn't believe me. There was nothing I could do about it, until I asked him to call me. I didn't like prepare myself to cry, of coz not. In fact, it's been the longest time, that i was happy to hear from him again, and relieved to as well. The knowledge of him being disappointed and angry with me made me feel incredible sadness. Becoz I know I hurt someone who loves me very much.
I thought about writing online for the whole week. I didn't know which would be better: To not write at all, as it is private matters, or to write so that i could try to explain. The night he called, I felt like running to him. He called....he actually called upon my request. He wanted to, I know. These last few nights, he hasn't msg or called. It's like, becoz I havent given an answer, he has also thus stayed with the decision of having nothing to do with me anymore for now, till he comes out tmr. I haven't msg but he doesnt know he;' been on my mind every single day of the week. Did I make the wrong decision? Initially I tot I ddn't, then I tot I did, and now...I'll say maybe I did, but it's all for the better of him and not me. I told him whatever i told him, and he was angry and sad also. And I reaslied tht he didnt mind me being unfair to him, but I can't do that. it's just against my consience.After days of dwelling on this and on him, I have to let him go. To let him heal, to let him be happier. of coz, not immediately, but he'll be happier, coz I do not want to give half heartedly. That's not love. Love is when u let him go. Becoz u want him to be happier.
The first day, i tot, heck, let him be mad with me, maybe tht'll be better. But after that, I felt he needed to know at least not to be angry with me for the wrong stuff. I dont mind him scolding me and blaming me for anything else. He was very fierce that night. I felt scared. But I noe he was onli too hurt. I broke down when he called, and I think onli then he understoof I wasnt lying to him.
Tmr he is booking out. Or maybe he booked out today..I really dont know. Shirin says fridays sometimes are book out days. I want to see him. Actually I really wana stay close to him, even if we're not lovers..then I could still care...but im afraid he isnt giving me a choice, and I dont blame him either. I hope tmr, after work, when i go look for him, he'll listen me out. I still have a need to see him.
This week; besides the emotional rollder coaster, i have tasted the waters of juggling two jobs, church, and whatnots. It isnt easy. I havent felt this tired in a long time. I haven't been eating properly. No appetite. I go to work on an empty stomach, i drink water at most, and eat very liight. I dont remember having a proper meal today either. Snacks at most. I just can't eat even when im hungry. Emotionally very drained...Mentally very drained, physically very worn out. The jobs ae taxing me. I have to OT coz there's too much work on one job. Im getting told off from another that Im not supposed to have two jobs. I havent slept well d entire week. Last night was the worst. I dreamnt that his bro bro's gf were very angry with me..i saw thw whole thing play in my mind, and i woke up upset. Coz I know his bro is mad with me. Late for work, late for opening, today was a disaster.
However,this evening, I attended a dance ensemble in TP and it helped a little to lighten my heavy heart. The dance items were very well ceographed, and the dancers were very impressive. Most of the items used lounge music like what U hear on lush 99.5 fm. I always liked the graceful movements of ballerinas, and the night's many items were exciting, enticing, sexy, graceful, and really smooth. the way the body can look so artistic because of the smooth way the body moves, is truly amazing. I was on the dge of my seat throughout. At one point I felt "weak" again though. Today i felt like crying again, butthe last few days, i actually stopped crying. Ive had support from my close friends, and it has been a little less harder to manage.
I feel better after writing now. If I don't it'll all be kept inside, waiting to explode. I wish he didnt give me a time...a dateline...can i drag it? so tht he wont leave my life so soon? Onli he can give me tht ans. But I know u can NEVER have yr cake and eat it.
I think there are two chinese song lyrics tht describes the way he feels now. guang liang's "tong hua" and zhou jie lun's " an jing" . He would agree, if he understood the lyrics, coz after hearing them today, guilt consumed me. But all I can say is Im really sorry. Dont leave?
This seems to be the season for break-ups. My two friends are also going through a tough time...and I hope nothing happens and it'll be fine in the end. My advice...dun say the wrong things out too soon, or you'll hurt someone u love. I did.
posted by melissa at 5/07/2005 01:32:00 AM
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