and she dreams again...

-Alot-

So much has happened since I lasr posted here. I'm living with Harri now, and I shifted a day after I wrote the previosu entry. It's been very hard on Nick and I, especially the first few days. Now, I don't cry anymore, but every time I reach home, It's completely different. I realised it had become such a habit, to throw my shoes a certain corner, turn a certain direction, put things down and take off my accesories and all on a certain table, stretching my hand out a certain length. it had become such a pattern, I could do it blind folded. Now, I feel quite lost when I get back. i'm not too sure what to do next. I put my bag down, look around, unsure what I should do next, and where to proceed. It's been like this the last few days when i get home. the shower is completely different.

However, I try to "shake off" these feelings, and tell myself, I'm still adjusting and have to be strong. It's been sweet though, haveing Harri around, making plans together, going home together, playing scrabble together. But, it's not the same. I don't go home to the sound of music Nick plays anymore.I don't step in and get hugged by Nick or disturbed by him. I don't have a toilet to walk through to the next room anymore.

I make my own breakfast which mum or nick used to do for me, or at least i didn't have to do everyday. I miss the cupboards full of snacks and food that I could rummage through any time of the night. I miss the huge fridge. I realised I forgot to take my fridge magnets along.There are still a few things like my *fork", my radio, and some stuff that I want from my room...like the glow in the dark stars that are now stuck to my ceiling But, I cant bear to ask Nikc to go in and take them for me. It will hurt him too much. It's already been so unfair to him.

Kor, I love you. i'm sorry to have put you through so much. You should have never had asked for a 'dog" when you were five years old. it has just been unfair to you. Partially me to blame, but also we're so different. I still love you nonetheless.

I used to decorate my room periodically, and always have something new on my walls and all. It was really MY ROOM and I gues it will always be. I loved it very much coz it was my personal touch to the room. I knew that one day, when i left the house, it will be so difficult to forget my room. And, it has been such. I miss my room very much. This new room I have, though nicely arranged, isn't my room totally. Yet, I know it has become almost, and I have to adapt faster than i am now.

Weiyi, Faith, Meliza, you guys have been very supportive. thank you. Dear dear, renren, Harri, without the three of you, i will crumple and collapse completely. Kor...I always need you with me. Thank you, for not loving me any lesser.

I've been busy finidng jobs. i'm heading down to addeco later for an interview for three jobs. I migth be able to get one. Weiyi and his cousin Yvonne have also helped me to get an interview at her company this saturday morning. I pray at the end of the day, i choose the right one.

I'm worried about being punctual. it's been terrible. I Just don't wake up. I really have a waking problem. It's a chore, and once I wake, i go through the horrid unwanted routine of clearing very sticky phelgm out of my throat and nose. Dear and Rene are both very worried, coz my health is only getting worse. I need to save up to buy a laptop. I am in need of quite a few gadgets soon. But I'll be strong. I'll get through no matter what.

It fucking hurt at first. Now it just aches. That's good isn't it.