i feel fresh after my bath, but am really tired out by work, or more like the second half of work tonight. The last few hrs before I knocked off was hectic, but I enjoyed it very much : )

I am tired. Emotionally, and mentally. Everyone can see it, people are tellingme they can see it, i wonder if they can?? I'm sure they are tired too. But thts what i can't understand. If they are tired, what's so difficult to understand when I say I'm tired?

I worked a full shift today : ) My FIRST full shift at cartel :p Something is telling me to stay on at this job, coz I pick up fast with most things, though I'm still learning. I enjoy the job, and actually feel responsible for ensuring the smooth running service of every shift I work. I feel like the company needs me, and I want to go to work, as much as I may say aiya need to work again. If i get more work, i'd do it. It's the first time I feel like a workaholic. I like the branch I'm at. Somehow I am starting to doubt my abilities to teach kids. I wonder if I am fit for the demands of the job of TEACHER? Once I sign the letter next thurs, that's it. I am actually doubting my choice now. A little late yet? I am not sure anymore.

Stef came to cartel today, to have some time together, cause she's going back to m'sia next week. It was interesting that our plans still succeeded, coz I had a two hr break from 5-7, and that was the time slot of the day that she was fre today (as she had schl before tht, and church meeting after). We spoek abt stuff, my stuff, her stuff, and we shared certain opinions and all. I think at the end of the day, she could tell too that I'm tired, YET she admired the fact that I can still smile thru it all, and work, and still am pretty strong. I beg to differ. It's not so "happening" being who you're not, and trying to pleae everyone ard you. She wished for me, like I wish for myself that i can please people ard me, and myself as well. I think I'm so tired, i don't know what to think anymore. Should I start lying again? In order not to upset, and so, tht everyone is happy? I. really. dont. know.

To them, life is meant to be a load of suffering and the only things u should spend yr time doing, is work, work, and more work. If not, serve God. To them, leisure should be the least important. TRUE. BUT. For me, I feel when it comes to work, I work hard, and do my best, and i also weigh what kinda of work is important, to give my all. And when u are not working and serving God, then I feel that life should be enjoyed, esp if ure given a chance to. Some people DON'T even have that chance. Just like one of my asst managers who shared soem of her personal things with some of us over lunch break today; she's living to support herself and her family, because she's got a mum who gambles, a dad who earns peanuts, and two siblings who refuse to share any bills whatsoever. I felt so sad for her. It does remind me off how fortunate I am, but I am definitely not unfilial to the extent of not wanting to finanacially care for my family. I want to be responsible towards them, but also have my own work life and personal life to lead. I have changed, but they refused to see it, or believe it. Certain things and ideals I have also changed my mindset about, for example: Mum kept saying tht I used to say work is second priority. But frankly, I have changed tht mindset sometime back already. If the work deserves my attention, it is first, and to me, right now, i love my job, and i fo give it first prioriry.

On the personal side, my relationships with people are my problems. I don't like it to become an analogy or example of my faulty character and problems in life. Esp my relationships with dear, or my closer friends, coz those are personal things. And to me, other than family and our almighty father in heaven, dear is also my priority. In fact, i think I give everyone the same attention, but if it's so difficult to please and make everyone ard me happy, then I can only back off....It saddnes me.

I understand one thing abt people. Anyoen at all. When u are angry, u find it hard to show love, or respect or talk to someone. And i remember mum said tht to me before. She does it. I do it too. But when I do it, I'm told off for being disrespectful. I feel tht this onli can happen at home. Of coz u can't say this to yr bosses. Why? Voz u have no feelings for yr bosses. But u have feelings for yr family members. That is why it's so much harder.

I don't know what else to say. I'm so SAD, and I'm so TIRED.

I saw dear LAST WEEK TUES. It's been almost two weeks. I was looking FORWARS to tmr, coz he was suppose to book out tmr. My heart is in GREAT need for his time and love, comfort and company, and no preasuyres whatsoever time with him, BUT found out LAST MIN today tht he has to go back in tonite (where he is AGAIN now) and can't come out till SUNDAY. GREAT HUH? My spirits fell the min i heard it. I was so glad laopo da ren, stef, was with me while he called. Who could i suddenly break down to? Who could comfort me? Who could i suddenly shwo a sad, disappointed face to? Thanks dearie, that you were there with me today. Much appreciated! So anyway, i felt numb already. It's ALWAYS like this. He can't come out, and when i think i can see him, i CAN'T. Dad and mum get difficult on me...except for tht ONE WEEK THT I WAS SO GRATEFUL FOR.

But! Something sweet happened. I had ONE PRECIOUSE HR with dear after work. It was crowded like mad, but as he promised, he showed up at outlet at 10pm to fetch me. I felt bad towards boss, but i had to knock off, coz if i extended, tmr I would be a goner for morning shift. So the day became worthwhile : ) I got to see him!!!! We took bus to tanah merah, and he took 9 to camp from there. HAIZ. Better one hr than none. It was so good seeing him.

I heard buddy booked out too! Steffie was so happy : )

Ok..im done for today, have to sleep now!!! BYEBYE