I couldn't sleep last night. Laid awake, thinking of many things. All that Charles had shared with me, were running through my head constantly.
While I took my shower earlier, all these thoughts ran through my head again, along with the things that have been worrying me. It was as if I was writing my journal entry in my head, and speaking it to myself as i thought of it. I had to write it all down, to get it out of my system.
Yesterday's nterview went very well. This time, perhaps, I was too honest. I was too transparent with exactly what I thought and felt. So, instead of trying to sound like they would die without me, I was trying to ask for something they felt most suitable for me. They were nice and certainly appreciated my honesty, but because of that, they felt they didn't have anything for me yet. I realise I had put on hold an opportunity that could have become mine soon. However, I think I;m glad I did so, because I am certainly not ready. I am torn between wanting a job that requires irregular hours, and stand by 24 hrs, with so much fascinating things to learn, and wanting my weekends, to serve God and to keep my familiar routine. I told them working 6 days are fine, but I try to avoid sundays as much as I can, because I am too attached to my commitment in choir. I feel guilt to no end, when I miss practices and mass. I've tried before, working on a sunday, and my mind was definitely not at work. But I question myself now. Why have I been experiencing recent reluctancy to go to choir? One of the reasons was because I was sick-and it urked me much that I couldnt not sing-hence, the thought of even trying to pretend I could, made me decide to be elsewhere for those few weeks. But is that really the truth? Or am I losing my vigour to serve? This coming weekend, we have another yearly recruitment drive. The past few years, my hand would be the first to go up, to help. The enthusiasm to want to be actively involved which was once there, has now, died off. I fell sick during the last three preparation weeks-an excuse I found timely. I am afraid. I am losing my active spirit to serve. I still love my choir definitely. Then why have I become a sunday catholic again? I have stopped serving the cantor ministry since the start of the year, because weekday night meetings did not go well with my schedules, and I was afraid of becoming further tired out. And also because of the new ruling that I can't serve two ministries at the same mass. But is that really the crunch? I can't seem to bring myself back to joining them.Why, I do not know. I want to, but there is something holding me back. A reluctancy. I feel ashamed of myself. Now sunday is the last thing I want to forego. I am desperate to find back my furvour. If I were to take on a job I like, that requires most sundays, I think I would stop going to church altogether. I'm not sure. I might hate myself even more. But is that my real reason too? Or do I just want my sats as well?--Because I can never stand it when others are having fun and I'm working. How childish isn't it.
But no. I think subconciosuly, I have also always put my sats aside for him. Since we started out when I was still in school, I always tried to make my time free for him-to an extent I think has become my habit. Other than him and his friends, which thankfully includes Harriet, I have found it difficult, to make time for anyone else I used to spend time with. He had quickly, and surely, became my entire world. Maybe that's why I'm so afraid to lose him now. Maybe that's why i feel so lost when he's at work. There's suddenly no one. But-strangely, most recently, I've been really insecure abt him and I again. I am certain we are strong. But so why am I feeling this insecuirty? Are we fading off despite our love for each other? I don't know. Early in our relationship, I knew his weekends were very precious, and he always wanted it for us. So perhaps, it is one of the reaons I started and since then , have always made my weekends free for him. Even singing class i used to attaend, I stopped, for him, because I had to work only sat mornings, in order to have the rest of the day for him. I have never gone back to that singing class since, despite my efforts to. I don't understand why I have done all this to myself. It is and has become me losing myself bit by bit. Losing my interests, my identity. I am always so easily influenced. I sway with the "winds" all the time. Most of the time, I think, in terms of company. I become a different person each time I know new people. Of course, if I become a better person, then it's good. But more than often, i become whoever, because I realise Z don't really have an identity anymore. Where the me in me? .
So I was happy the interview went well. But I know I won't be getting their call any t8ime soon.
Alongside that, I wonder Aif I should be home tonight, or stay out. I am very unwilling to face another showdown with dad, and the rest of the family. I hate ugly scenarios, more so now, with the past experiences, but will he lock me out from today onwards, If I stay out tonight? If I stay home, and try to sleep early, I know he'll wake me up and want to "TALK".
I started thinking back on the times I worked part- time, and realised that even when I did, I'd always plan my work schedule according to how free I was, and not putting work as a priority. Very contradictory to what I told the lady yesterday. Czause off the top of my head, I know, that it should be, that work, must and should always take priority in a person's life. I told her that if I was given work that required my leisure time, I'd do it, but I TRY to avoid it.--who am I kidding? I remember when I was with Cartel, if I had weekday nights that had church meetings, I'd not work. My sundays were never touched, and I worked sat mornings, only to please them, because it's a food outlet. It's hard to find somewhere that doesn't need you on the weekdns. The service industry is like this, and I'm very clear about that.
So, do I settle for office jobs? I asked the lady yesterday, if she had any available, and unfortunately, she didn't. I struggle between wanting something more regular, -so that I can continue to fulfil my church duties, and continue to keep my familiar routine all this while, having night time for possible events/gigs/meetings/him, -and a job that def. does not aloow that;EVEN as part-time.
What had I decided while I was in the midst of quitting the teaching service? I told myself, I'd go back to part-time, cause I'm not ready for a full time job, I can give myself time to recupperate, and also work on songs to learn, so that I can gig soon. BUT CAN I? As much as I wanted to do more with Charles--there's no more time left. He's gg in next week. He can't gig anymore. Suddenly, my "sensei" sin't around. Than I remember what he said to me last night: "When there are people around to help you, you are lucky. But your strength has to come, when people are not there to help you. "--I feel lost. Finding places to gig is one seperate issue, but I know, I can't be a one man show--not anytime soon. I have no one around who is serious about doing things with me, and having the same aim. At least I don't see any. But I wait to get out of this sick zone frist before I can talk abt any of these. I need him around I guess. But he would want to do his own stuff, and it'd be selfish to ask him to help me out.
So what am I suited for, if not f&b, if not office, if not gigging? I do not know anymore. Office hours are great, but many know well, that I'm not suited for that.
I know, it's almost impossible, to have your cake and eat it.
Lord, what do U want off me? What's yr plan for me? If you have one, I need to know soon. The quality of patience is something I can't afford now, Lord.
I've felt so distant from God. When I try to reach out to him, I feel disgusted by myself, czo somehow I know it isn't sincere. it's like a cry out, only because I feel so helpless. I know God's always here for us. He neevr distant himself from us. I'm the one, who has been somehow or rather distaning myself from him. I know it is never too late to kneel down in prayer and talk to him, but even that action in itself, is so hard for me these days. I can kneel down, but I am restless, and unfocused.
What have I become? The kchild in me that I want to retain has faded away, and the child that I don't want, is still stuck in me. Why do I say that? Because I felt guilt last night. when Charles spoke of the quaities of people he respects. The fruits of the spirirt, I remember grandma used to make us memorise these. Patience, tolerance, love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness. Perhaps I have SOME. But I know I lack severely in the pateince area. Impulsive has always been my nature.
People who've know me long, will say like Charles said, yea, I'm a sweet girl. A kind girl, a helpful girl, but certainly stubborn, and defensive--it's hard for me to listen to someone, unless I truly believe and understand and feel what that person has said, is right. Self righteousness perhaps? Ego? Pride? But how can a broken person have pride? My shattered pieces, have hardly been mended. I've felt broken for the longest time.I used to be a positve girl, back in my O level year. Where ahs she gone to? Why all the pessimism and negativity? I wans't even this negative when I first knew my boy. Maybe it was how badly I coped in tertiary, along with weird company, and the death of a gd friend. Along with that, perhaps the never ending probelms with my parents, and having my heart been broken by people who sais they'd stick by me. hah--expectations-there you go. it has certainly casued my deepest wounds. It's not that what Charles has told me is anything new. Many have. But when he said it to me last night, it striked the deepest chord. Because he is so young, yet so wise. Sounds like the nature boy. Expectations--we should never have of anyone. How true, as I agreed. But more than often, I think we don't build these expectations, but unconciosuly have them of someone--esp if they are closer to you. I've alwasys gotten myself into situations, maybe becuase of this, and being close to people alot.--something I think my brother has often advised, and I turned a deaf ear.
I think I eel very ugly now. Very, very ugly. I'm not surprised, if anyone were to tell me, that they don't have much respect for me.Now, Chalres would say to me : "What are u doing to do abt it? " And I think, my answer would be: I'm gonna slwoly start reforming myself. I think. I hope. I should.
Will he still be waiting for me? I don't know if I;m boring him out, or if we're both boring each other out. I really don't know.
What Would Jesus Do?
Completely lost, and need to be found Lord.

Melissa