...in her head again.......
The gig went well. Claire played and sang really nicely, and her sister Leanne, is a really beautiful young thing, with a beautiful young voice to go along with it.
I did my two songs, and got good responses from them too. For a first time guitar and singing solo effort, I felt I did well despite a bit of chords errors.
Tonight was very difficult. He was there. He came up to me to say hi. I just couldn't. He walked off, and I started crying...this was ten mins before the gig. I don't know how to act normal and like the way he did, smiling at me, saying hi. I just can't. We didnt even have a proper ending, and it's still much too painful. Days I'm alone I wish so much he's ard..but once I see him, I don't know what to do at all. I don't even know if I actually want to hear him speak to me. I do, and yet I do not.
Singing the songs I wrote to him felt good. I poured it all out, and I couldn't see anyone in front, it was pitch darkness coz of the blinding light. I just sang... and I knew he was there listening. I wondered what he thought. But Claire said after the gig he felt lighter. Normally, he has post gig feelings, like how he felt so terrible after espy gig, coz vivian didnt turn up. Lighter, meant happier? But why? Coz you think I can move on now..tht im doing SO FINE without you?
Im breaking more day by day... hardening on the outside only.
I called him. Decided to hear what he had to say. But yet he said it was too late, and tht we could talk another day. What the hell do u take me for. So why should I say anything at all ? He said "its too late and maybe another day perhaops unless u have smth to say"... Cud I? Whats was the point? Tell him I really wished we could turn back time, really hear whats the real reason for this? Tell him how pathetic I am, still thinking of him etc and tht I am so angry with him and all his finding new girls thing now and how hurt I was.. and trying to understand all tht crap. WUdnt tht be his part of talking already? So it was " ive got nothing to say..Ok..gd nite then..gd nite". Strangely, he sounded so happy.oddly, as explosive I felt, I was a lame ass to feel a bit good coz it was tht all familiar voice over the phone again. Im damn pathetic.
Theres this absolutely irritable feeling in me now. Theres this whole lot of anger I wana just YELL OUT If i cud, so I found myself strumming on my guitar like mad just now while Pat used the comp...and I came out with a rift, a chord progression but I have no lyrics for it yet. Another original perhaps..and Ive picked out a smaller number of songs I intend to do for my set end july with Claire as well. Definitely will be playing my originals then too.
Trying to remember what Charles told me to do.. to keep strong, mature, pray abt everything I do.. and to take care....Charles, the gig went well. and I think u wud have liked it if u were here with us tonite. I wonder if you'd play damo songs for me on guit for my gig? : ) Who else better to ask, eh? heh
: (
The gig went well. Claire played and sang really nicely, and her sister Leanne, is a really beautiful young thing, with a beautiful young voice to go along with it.
I did my two songs, and got good responses from them too. For a first time guitar and singing solo effort, I felt I did well despite a bit of chords errors.
Tonight was very difficult. He was there. He came up to me to say hi. I just couldn't. He walked off, and I started crying...this was ten mins before the gig. I don't know how to act normal and like the way he did, smiling at me, saying hi. I just can't. We didnt even have a proper ending, and it's still much too painful. Days I'm alone I wish so much he's ard..but once I see him, I don't know what to do at all. I don't even know if I actually want to hear him speak to me. I do, and yet I do not.
Singing the songs I wrote to him felt good. I poured it all out, and I couldn't see anyone in front, it was pitch darkness coz of the blinding light. I just sang... and I knew he was there listening. I wondered what he thought. But Claire said after the gig he felt lighter. Normally, he has post gig feelings, like how he felt so terrible after espy gig, coz vivian didnt turn up. Lighter, meant happier? But why? Coz you think I can move on now..tht im doing SO FINE without you?
Im breaking more day by day... hardening on the outside only.
I called him. Decided to hear what he had to say. But yet he said it was too late, and tht we could talk another day. What the hell do u take me for. So why should I say anything at all ? He said "its too late and maybe another day perhaops unless u have smth to say"... Cud I? Whats was the point? Tell him I really wished we could turn back time, really hear whats the real reason for this? Tell him how pathetic I am, still thinking of him etc and tht I am so angry with him and all his finding new girls thing now and how hurt I was.. and trying to understand all tht crap. WUdnt tht be his part of talking already? So it was " ive got nothing to say..Ok..gd nite then..gd nite". Strangely, he sounded so happy.oddly, as explosive I felt, I was a lame ass to feel a bit good coz it was tht all familiar voice over the phone again. Im damn pathetic.
Theres this absolutely irritable feeling in me now. Theres this whole lot of anger I wana just YELL OUT If i cud, so I found myself strumming on my guitar like mad just now while Pat used the comp...and I came out with a rift, a chord progression but I have no lyrics for it yet. Another original perhaps..and Ive picked out a smaller number of songs I intend to do for my set end july with Claire as well. Definitely will be playing my originals then too.
Trying to remember what Charles told me to do.. to keep strong, mature, pray abt everything I do.. and to take care....Charles, the gig went well. and I think u wud have liked it if u were here with us tonite. I wonder if you'd play damo songs for me on guit for my gig? : ) Who else better to ask, eh? heh
: (
posted by melissa at 6/19/2006 04:23:00 AM
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