...in her head again.......

Saturday, 19th August 2006

He really needs to be alone.
I always forget that.
I always forget, that in army for five days a week, hes stuck in there and it gets terrible. Esp since hes been gg thru it for more than one and a half yrs now.

I really appreciate your gesture tonight. You ddin't have to spend time with me but you did. You ddin't have to buy me dinner, but you did. You ddin't have to go to esplanade with me, but you did. Thank you for your own version of a birthday celebration. I know you were tired, with what four hrs of sleep last night.

You came to my plc this morning and I found it rather odd. It hurt when You didn't offer me the chance to follow you out after the jam here. You said you were gg home to sleep. And I was so used to tagging along whereever...be it to yr plc, or out. And then later I found out that you didn't go home and you went to the Arts House for Pauls whatever his names's clinic, which didnt entirely interest you in d end. But you were happy you saw Natalie Tan. I could tell. You spoke abt her thrree times tonight. Ok then.

You said you went to sweelee as well before meeting me. That Kalai was at work and all.

We met for dinner, and as usual as spoke abt the most frivolous things that didn't matter to either of us much. We just had to cover up and find smth to talk abt, which eventually drained both of us as the night went on. We were too eager to just eat our food, be at the gig and go home. No, wait.. you I mean. I'm not saying tht it is true or implying that it is. I just felt, we still have more importnat things to talk abt. But I know you'll never talk abt it again. BUT. I just enjoyed and treasured sitting right next to you again... having some of you for the night.

I hooe you didnt mind when I rested my head on your shoulder a few times. Or when my skin accidentally touched yours while we sat side by side at the gig. I hope I wasn't intruding, and I wasn't coming across desperate. All Ive wanted is that someone to lean on. I can't even do that with a normal friend, so I hope you didn't mind. I'm still so used to it. And only yrs seems to feel right.

The gig was awesome. That band, despite the fact that they played covers of famous mainstream pop rock songs, were very good.All four of them play at different places on mons, tues, thurs, fris i think I cant remember.
In the middle of the gig, I noticed you took out the obs cds with the bklets, twice. I was quick to judge. As from the corner of my eye, I saw you starring intently at the photos clipped to the pages. Later I heard you were thinking of what obs songs to play other than erykah badhu and shina ringo. Ok then. The gig was so good. Somehow you faded off for a bit. I can imagine how tired you were, coz I was already quite tired myself.

Charles took mrt in d end.(he was at suntec's balaclava) We took 14 back. I told myself i should NOT drop at the same stop as you. But I found myself doing so. Major habit. Had to see you home, if not I wud have felt horrible. Axtually weird rather. Coz I always see u home, since forever. The night ended so quickly. I was really happy till we walked back. Why does time pass so fast when you're with someone u love? But I cud see you needed time alone. So I had to walk off. I hope I wasn't tagging for too long today.

I said to you tonight, that you dont need to worry abt disappointing me, and that Im the last person on EARTH you can disapoint. I guess in that line, I bit my tongue. But it still makes sense. Coz when you disappoint me, Im actually causing my own hurt and disappointment. Coz u no longer need to do anything for me. It's my expectations that have not died. I don't know how long I'll keep going on like this. But being with you tonight, was far better than longing for you and crying to myself.

Then you mentioned vivian and natalie again. Theres nothing I can say. I cant do anything more to impress you. I am who I am. I wont go on listening to the same band just becoz you're ard me, but tonight I did. But I really, don't hold it agaist you. That won't be fair either.

I just hope when the time comes that i leave you in my heart,because by then I'll force myself to die inside, and let u free, that it will be painless for us both me. As I walked home tonight, I realised again, and I always forget, that there are only a few things he wants to deal with now. Music, himself, and making sense of this whole mad world.

I'm. Nothing. I can feel his burden.
And he told me tonight, that he did something most loving for his mother. I have to agree that at his age, that is the most noble thing ever. And Im deeply proud of him. I cud never and still cant even be able to have enuff for myself.

Maybe it's this simple. This is why I love him. Because he is, deep down a great boy. He's just jaded, like u, like me, and like alot of you out there.

So as I walked back tonight, I told myself "Maybe it's time I really really let him go". Holding on isn't going to do any good. Not for me, and then not for him. because then each time we go out, i'm prob gonna unknowingly irritate him with trying to be like before. And as much as it hurts, I can't. If that's gonna make him unhappy.

But I know tmr, I'm gg to be holding on again. So I don't know . I really don't know. I feel the way I feel. We had smth very special. Linus was right. I underestimated how much I wud miss "US".

A gurl fren asked me recently, "Mel, if he leanr to love u again, and asked you for another go, wud u go back to him?" And without a blink of an eye, I gave my foolish undoubtly honest, helplessly devoted answer.