The weather has been good, or kind, rather.
I take it as showers of blessings for Uncle B.k too. Anyway, i wrote quite a bit in d office today. So read the entries that will follow after thios paragraph. It was quite an unlucky day I must say, hahaha =)
P/S: Read from the bottom of the entries, up, coz i stupidly put them int ht order..hahaha
---------------
I wonder what is really bugging me...
is it the pms today, lack of sleep, or subconcious guilt?
Why guilt? Maybe coz I definitely realise tht one day my own dad and mum wud leave me and nick... its not like this thought has never come to my mind before. it definitely has. but all along ive known tht whatever happens to me and them, whatever it is at all, i know tht at d end of the day I wud still cry just as hard.
But I keep feeling so much for him over this matter.
Smehow I think theres much more sadness then what appears.
Hes always like tht. I may not talk as much to him anymore, but Im sure i know him well enuff to a certain degree.
I know tht hes trying to get over it, but on the other hand, becpz of how hes trying to be happy, I seem to want to take on tht whole down feeling for him. I dont know if im making sense at all. But I gess what Im trying to say is tht, im feeling sad on my ownpart and also on his.
Some part of the day, we can just shrug and go, yea, hes with God now. But on the other hand i feel smth tugging at me each time I think tht when they go home, theres onfiltered=(
The sudden thought of Vicki came to me.
Ana said the last time I met her, that she finally understands what Vic meant, by " I dont wana be wth anyone, but I just want someone to be ard.". And we kept saying to her, its another example of those no strings attached relationships.. but thts exactly what she wanted, and what Ana wants now too, and oddly, what i wud really appreciate now too. Im not referring to the partnering party as jw, but just how I feel. And Im quite sure thats what he wants now too.
All we need are really good friends to just be there for us. And whoever else who can spare some time.
Maybe this is what happens, after anyone gets badly hurt, or something major happens in a person's life.
I wonder how Jared is dealing with his dad's passing now. I remember that Jared was still grieving quite some time after the passing too. But Jared has his mum and God. Thats what Jw doesnt haf... .. really. All we can do is pray...
ten mins to end of work. OMG. I feel like a zombiiiieee.
-------------------
what's the date today??! Is it fri the 13th??!?!?!?! no, it isnt wad!
Grr... I got a stain on my pants. HAHAH, FED UP MAN. hahaha.. it was accidental somemore. sheesh.
So (1) i am frezzing from the cold coz I didnt bring my jacket, (2), my feet are cold coz I wore the wrong footwear, (3) i got it today and i knew my pants colour wud really become a problem. SEEEEE I told u the colour wud become a prob. ARGHH hahaha... great man... hahaha....i shud start predicting the weather or smth LOL. What do u guys want? rain or shine? hahahahaha
fed up fed up hahaha... , im DEFINITELY gg home to change now befre gg down to wei's later. pai seh!
--------------
This is a prose I wrote...
-time called-
calling out
not so loud
come
have your dinner
the food will lose its flavur
why are you not
following what i taught
for life you must work hard
if not you'll be left in a cart
these things and more
they always heard him say.
too busy with theirselves
to hear his pleading yells
The dog they owned
lost furvour one day and moaned
the kids felt cold
but not enough to cry hold
he too started losing his means
of yelling and shouting and scolding them teens
but no the kids didnt know
that he too was going to leave them, real cold
and so they heard the last curtain call
hes gone hes gone its time to go
and there they stood
motionless like wood
speechless
despair and guilt
calling out
not so loud
come back out
come back out
---------------
Just came back from lunch... and i actually fell asleep on the table ( in the canteen!) Haha, im THAT sleepy today. Really wish I can just go back and sleep now! Hmms, think I'll go home first and cbange into something more comfortable then head down to the wake for the service... hope Aunty is coping somehow
--------------
Oh man... today I am not only wearing the wrong colour, im wearing slippers and i didnt bring my jacket. I SHOULD HAVE!!! Grr hahaha coz its freezing cold, and of coz the weather today is so good for sleeping man... damnnnn hahaaa. And coz its so cold, i wish im wearing shoes! And and and... i predicted correctly! I got the thing again... haiz.. and im wearing light grey pants today, and i forgot to bring the stuff.. ALAMAK.. hahaha harrri!!!! dont laug at me k! hahaha
cant wait to go for lunch!
---------------
Thursday, 31st August 2006
Less than 8 hrs after I left the wake last night, I find myself awake again, and heading to work, late today, just by a bit.
I hate it that I have to squeeze onto the comapny bus, or the changi bus rather, and people are all PUSHING their farking way thru to try and go up and get a seat. I was squashed like a damn blardy pancake.
Really tired. I still don't know how all the working adults can make their way to work everyday of the work week, and always be early, and so awake. Even more so for the older ones who've been at this for years and years on end. Is it really only going to be possible for me, when I find something I truly enjoy?? Coz I know that perhaps when I really do, only then will I be able to go on and on and on for hours. I'm talking abt recording again. Music. I need my big break. Somehow, I don't know how.
I need to find band members, who are willing to work on this full time. Only then can we go into this seriously and perhaps do this for cold hard cash night after night. But this needs alot of preparation work first. I need a band...need to jam regularly...but who? Who is reallly that free?,Everybody's probably stuck somewhere half way into other plans, or forced ones even , like army.
But I know I always say that I have my reservations. I know that after doing it for a long time I will get sick of it, or a better word fr it will be bored. Just like how Im tired of having to depend and find other musicians to play with me, and having to worry that our weightage of mportance on the planned gig ism differnet.It always is.
What am I doing? Im wasting my time here.
I should either go find myself a kindergarden job, if not, seriously think of giving up weekends or smth for the two other jobs I like. But WHY do I HAVE TO force myself to give up one or the other?? There are so many things I wana accomplish. U mean I cant jam, gig, and go for gigs, on weekdays, sing for church on weekends and participate in my church activities, and also do work for money that I will be happy or interested in? I always have to either give up a happier job, for church, or church for a happier job. Both of which are really important to me; since they take up most of my time. :( .I refuse to work weekends and evenings already (unless Im gigging and therefore it isnt work to me), because I wana have time to watch other people perform and in turn learn from them.
ARGHS. But along with this, I gotta juggle my finances (which ive done pretty badly) and make sure my on going survival is taken care off. Up to now, i have pretty much failed I think. SOMEHOW. Like, it took me months just to get the damn clothes ironed. U SEE what I mean. And Im so still wishing to just sleep for a couplea days, coz Im so worn out.
But today, my motivation to come to work, was simply the money and tht I remember jw saying to me " go to work please". And I know too well, tht as much as I hate this uncomfortable work that I simply dont fit into, I have to go, and I have to do it, and I just gotta learn to adjust and atune myself to the unwillingness to do this. No choice, aka "bo bian" in hokkien. I mean, NO MATTER WHAT, it still beats the feeling of bing jobless. So seriously, sad is the reality of things.
I can only keep hoping tat smth better will come along.
But lately, the feeling of being just a dip holder is starting to suck.
Many of thr gurl friends ard me are all studying. Most of them are all uni undergrads...and here I am, just hoping to find my piece of gold somewhere in the music area or by sme miracle, be sponsored for Berklee or Lasalle.
And Im sure u see the invisible $$$$ all over the place.
How abt some =) for me? harharhar
--------------
I take it as showers of blessings for Uncle B.k too. Anyway, i wrote quite a bit in d office today. So read the entries that will follow after thios paragraph. It was quite an unlucky day I must say, hahaha =)
P/S: Read from the bottom of the entries, up, coz i stupidly put them int ht order..hahaha
---------------
I wonder what is really bugging me...
is it the pms today, lack of sleep, or subconcious guilt?
Why guilt? Maybe coz I definitely realise tht one day my own dad and mum wud leave me and nick... its not like this thought has never come to my mind before. it definitely has. but all along ive known tht whatever happens to me and them, whatever it is at all, i know tht at d end of the day I wud still cry just as hard.
But I keep feeling so much for him over this matter.
Smehow I think theres much more sadness then what appears.
Hes always like tht. I may not talk as much to him anymore, but Im sure i know him well enuff to a certain degree.
I know tht hes trying to get over it, but on the other hand, becpz of how hes trying to be happy, I seem to want to take on tht whole down feeling for him. I dont know if im making sense at all. But I gess what Im trying to say is tht, im feeling sad on my ownpart and also on his.
Some part of the day, we can just shrug and go, yea, hes with God now. But on the other hand i feel smth tugging at me each time I think tht when they go home, theres onfiltered=(
The sudden thought of Vicki came to me.
Ana said the last time I met her, that she finally understands what Vic meant, by " I dont wana be wth anyone, but I just want someone to be ard.". And we kept saying to her, its another example of those no strings attached relationships.. but thts exactly what she wanted, and what Ana wants now too, and oddly, what i wud really appreciate now too. Im not referring to the partnering party as jw, but just how I feel. And Im quite sure thats what he wants now too.
All we need are really good friends to just be there for us. And whoever else who can spare some time.
Maybe this is what happens, after anyone gets badly hurt, or something major happens in a person's life.
I wonder how Jared is dealing with his dad's passing now. I remember that Jared was still grieving quite some time after the passing too. But Jared has his mum and God. Thats what Jw doesnt haf... .. really. All we can do is pray...
ten mins to end of work. OMG. I feel like a zombiiiieee.
-------------------
what's the date today??! Is it fri the 13th??!?!?!?! no, it isnt wad!
Grr... I got a stain on my pants. HAHAH, FED UP MAN. hahaha.. it was accidental somemore. sheesh.
So (1) i am frezzing from the cold coz I didnt bring my jacket, (2), my feet are cold coz I wore the wrong footwear, (3) i got it today and i knew my pants colour wud really become a problem. SEEEEE I told u the colour wud become a prob. ARGHH hahaha... great man... hahaha....i shud start predicting the weather or smth LOL. What do u guys want? rain or shine? hahahahaha
fed up fed up hahaha... , im DEFINITELY gg home to change now befre gg down to wei's later. pai seh!
--------------
This is a prose I wrote...
-time called-
calling out
not so loud
come
have your dinner
the food will lose its flavur
why are you not
following what i taught
for life you must work hard
if not you'll be left in a cart
these things and more
they always heard him say.
too busy with theirselves
to hear his pleading yells
The dog they owned
lost furvour one day and moaned
the kids felt cold
but not enough to cry hold
he too started losing his means
of yelling and shouting and scolding them teens
but no the kids didnt know
that he too was going to leave them, real cold
and so they heard the last curtain call
hes gone hes gone its time to go
and there they stood
motionless like wood
speechless
despair and guilt
calling out
not so loud
come back out
come back out
---------------
Just came back from lunch... and i actually fell asleep on the table ( in the canteen!) Haha, im THAT sleepy today. Really wish I can just go back and sleep now! Hmms, think I'll go home first and cbange into something more comfortable then head down to the wake for the service... hope Aunty is coping somehow
--------------
Oh man... today I am not only wearing the wrong colour, im wearing slippers and i didnt bring my jacket. I SHOULD HAVE!!! Grr hahaha coz its freezing cold, and of coz the weather today is so good for sleeping man... damnnnn hahaaa. And coz its so cold, i wish im wearing shoes! And and and... i predicted correctly! I got the thing again... haiz.. and im wearing light grey pants today, and i forgot to bring the stuff.. ALAMAK.. hahaha harrri!!!! dont laug at me k! hahaha
cant wait to go for lunch!
---------------
Thursday, 31st August 2006
Less than 8 hrs after I left the wake last night, I find myself awake again, and heading to work, late today, just by a bit.
I hate it that I have to squeeze onto the comapny bus, or the changi bus rather, and people are all PUSHING their farking way thru to try and go up and get a seat. I was squashed like a damn blardy pancake.
Really tired. I still don't know how all the working adults can make their way to work everyday of the work week, and always be early, and so awake. Even more so for the older ones who've been at this for years and years on end. Is it really only going to be possible for me, when I find something I truly enjoy?? Coz I know that perhaps when I really do, only then will I be able to go on and on and on for hours. I'm talking abt recording again. Music. I need my big break. Somehow, I don't know how.
I need to find band members, who are willing to work on this full time. Only then can we go into this seriously and perhaps do this for cold hard cash night after night. But this needs alot of preparation work first. I need a band...need to jam regularly...but who? Who is reallly that free?,Everybody's probably stuck somewhere half way into other plans, or forced ones even , like army.
But I know I always say that I have my reservations. I know that after doing it for a long time I will get sick of it, or a better word fr it will be bored. Just like how Im tired of having to depend and find other musicians to play with me, and having to worry that our weightage of mportance on the planned gig ism differnet.It always is.
What am I doing? Im wasting my time here.
I should either go find myself a kindergarden job, if not, seriously think of giving up weekends or smth for the two other jobs I like. But WHY do I HAVE TO force myself to give up one or the other?? There are so many things I wana accomplish. U mean I cant jam, gig, and go for gigs, on weekdays, sing for church on weekends and participate in my church activities, and also do work for money that I will be happy or interested in? I always have to either give up a happier job, for church, or church for a happier job. Both of which are really important to me; since they take up most of my time. :( .I refuse to work weekends and evenings already (unless Im gigging and therefore it isnt work to me), because I wana have time to watch other people perform and in turn learn from them.
ARGHS. But along with this, I gotta juggle my finances (which ive done pretty badly) and make sure my on going survival is taken care off. Up to now, i have pretty much failed I think. SOMEHOW. Like, it took me months just to get the damn clothes ironed. U SEE what I mean. And Im so still wishing to just sleep for a couplea days, coz Im so worn out.
But today, my motivation to come to work, was simply the money and tht I remember jw saying to me " go to work please". And I know too well, tht as much as I hate this uncomfortable work that I simply dont fit into, I have to go, and I have to do it, and I just gotta learn to adjust and atune myself to the unwillingness to do this. No choice, aka "bo bian" in hokkien. I mean, NO MATTER WHAT, it still beats the feeling of bing jobless. So seriously, sad is the reality of things.
I can only keep hoping tat smth better will come along.
But lately, the feeling of being just a dip holder is starting to suck.
Many of thr gurl friends ard me are all studying. Most of them are all uni undergrads...and here I am, just hoping to find my piece of gold somewhere in the music area or by sme miracle, be sponsored for Berklee or Lasalle.
And Im sure u see the invisible $$$$ all over the place.
How abt some =) for me? harharhar
--------------
posted by melissa at 8/31/2006 07:32:00 PM
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