Saturday, 26th August 2006

-A Productive Day, with Clarity-

Im happy today happened. And by this I mean every part of today. Im not just jolly, just becoz I had a day of fun, but because today was very productive and well spent and well deserved at the end of the night.
You will see an entry below that I wrote in the morning in the office. And you will realise the drastic difference in feelings and content, compared to what I'm going to explain right now in the next paragraph.

Just to lay out what I did today: I went to work, then headed to Tampines, had a bite, bought myself a few guitar picks, bought an assesment book for my p2 kid whoose called zhe hui / jimmy, and went to his place to give him tuition.
I was rewally delighted to bump into Nick, and we decided not to head to Sam's tonight, because the timing was just bad and we were both tired. I still had to head down to town later. So we caught up over coffee bean coffee, which nick treated (awww) and we headed off on the train together.
I went to Nikky's office, to slip my timesheet under the door, and headed down to Blujaz straight after.Bus 7 is so slow on weekday nights.

Going to Blujaz tonight, was the best decision Ive made in these two days. The second best would have been that I didn't go for their jam yesterday. And the third, wud be that I followed Charles and family home tonight instead.

Blackpepper played three sets. Funk, jazz, fusion, all ropped in. Foreigners commented they are the best around Singapore so far, and I dare agree. I think this is only feasible becoz BP consists of YP, Charles, Kalai and Jase. Four really fantastically talented musicians, who also work well and read each other's minds well. The sets were very tight, very clean, very well done. Everyone was wowed. I'm proud and happy for them and off them.

Im also happy coz I cud sense Charles felt good tonight. A certain high came back to him in the middle of the set and he was smiling and singing with real honesty again. I cud sense it, and I was happy for him.
Im happy to have such a mutual friend and confidante in him. Always good to have a healthy platonic relationship with someone of the opp sex.

* Tonight, I gained back the clarity of mind that I had a few months ago when Charles and I sat at the food court of Paradise Centre, talking about my very complicated relationship; which presently, has only gotten more complicated. But tonight, I finally have decided. I mean this like the way I decided enough was enough with a certain someone else last time. It comes a point, where you feel it in your bones and your head is telling you and rejecting every bit of feelings for the person right now. Ive got to make myself clear here. We all have blame, unfairness, and whatnots, if you want to go and weigh out every bit of the relationship. No one is at fault anymore, really. it's no point anyway, thinking about all these coz there will be no end to it.
But tonight, Im relieved that Amanda and Ling came for the gig. I found out that L has been aware of his vibes all the while, and even Amanda knew.(This topic was not purposely brought up) The unknowing awkwardness between L and I has finally been realised. I hate myself for having taken an immediate resentment to her initially. But I know it is only natural. I shared with Amanda on a general history, and it helped me to think out what exactly I feel now. I dont hate or blame him, becoz hes simply not ready. Hes too excited to noe different kinds of people esp girls, and who can resist babes like L or K or V or N or C for that matter? All of them have a bit more than I do. They either have tht cute look, tht querkiness he likes, that womanly-ness or that confidence that exudes out of them. I am who I am. And nothing will really change that.
I observed tonight, that I was becoming a barrier for him to get to talk with L. Many times he walked past, and he could have just joined us, but I cud sense tht hesitation. He really wanted to just tok to her. I was definitely not toking to her for any other ill reason at all. Honest to heaven. In fact, Ling and I finally got to chat with each other proper, and we discussed stuff to work with Amanda even, pehaps. That feeling, was really nice. I am aware of some stuff as well, but I do not wish to divulge.

At the end of the night, I watched as he sat by himself for a while and I started helping James to clear the tables. I really love the people there and since I cudnt help out or work tonight as requested, I just helped whatever way i cud for tht short while before I went off. Amanda and Ling planned to take a cab home together. I knew that by right, it made sense that I shouldve gone back with him, but now, I no longer want to wait ard for him, and then have him feel so irritated tht Im waiting to go back with him. I finally broke my "Blujaz after gig habit". Elvin and Charles offered to give me a lift, and I was really glad to take it up. Besides, he went over to tok to L. So, I wud guess he wanted to.

U see, Ive given up. Not in a bad way. it's time, finally. I'm letting go, and everything will change. Becoz Im living up to my principle of going to the very ends and trying my very best till it hurts so bad, then I give it all up. And tonight I reached my limit. I think hes not really interested if I was there tonight. I mean this, that the special someone he wud wana hear comments or opinions from, wud be L and not me. As I felt it first hand tonight, whatever I said, just went by with a "mm" or a physical nod of the head. he went over and was eager to ask her. She knew it as well.

So. Ok. It's really alright. It's time to say good bye, and it's time to let him go feel and do whatever he wants. When I think back on what Harri said some time ago, it's true. He only really loved AND treasured me the first few months of our time together. I just didnt listen. I was like any other idiot who didnt wana hear the truth.

Im happy, Im finally closing my own chapter. I dont hate or resent him. He is my friend. And this means I noe tht we dont share or confide much, or even speak the truth.. we go out with friends and it might stay surface for as long as he stays closed as a "book", and I will just be here.

Its not like hes a bad guy or anything. Hes just young, and like all of us, so messed up. Hes a good musician. Im just very disappointed and upset at how it all went wrong. But its not like he doesnt or didnt try.At least he hlped me to find my zip tonight. SORT , OF. He just somehow gets it wrong along the way alot of the time.

Its ok if he doesnt love me anymore. Its ok if i dont interest him anymore. Im done. And it's for our good.

Having an ill father is an issue on its own.
Having a difficult working life is also another.
Having alot of uncertainty and things abt yrself that ure g thru is also another.
All affect and inter-spill into each other.
But I cannot and will not tolerate anymore, an unfocused heart. I have put up with it for too long. i have let it eat me till it cant eat me anynmore. No more hurting over things he writes abt lady a, b, c, or z. No more hurting over pictures of them everytime i clikc his name. no more wondering and wonderingand only feeling wose.

I do understand why he has stopped confiding in me. Definitely awkwardnes is one, a certain amount of guilt is another, and just that, theres too much we've been through already.
I knew him so well, that everytime he liked someone, I knew immediately. I was never wrong. I knew him tht well.

But I will continue to be there, and give him support. And if he never realises who has loved him unconditionally, that wud be sad but I'll be ready to accept it anyway.

Better to let go, than to hold onto smth that has no more meaning anymore.. Anyway, if he's happier, then I should be too.

Who was I to be "Hero"?
Everybody needs somebody, sometimes.

[AT WORK THIS MORNING]
A feeling of helplessness has come over me.
Many things have happened in the last few months.

To start off with, I have had five jobs since april, and now it's augst. Im really tired. Since exactly a yr ago, ive changed numerous jobs. If I count them, Ive had 11 jobs in total. If u minus off the five these last four months, then I had six jobs since april of last yr to apr of this year. That would have avergaed out to a new job every two months.

Ive shfited twice, stayed with C's aunt for three weeks, and thereafter ive been with pat for the last five months. I have a feeling that i'll be shifting again. Why and how come i'm so special and different from everyone that these things are all happening to me? Yeah, I know everyone has different predicaments.

But I'm really tired. The momentary happpiness I experience isnt enuff to hold me together anymore. It never was to beign with. I fell and I picked myself up again. Things wee starting to look better.

But now, I feel like Ive really lost all zest to brave the brewing storms ahead. It's not that I don't intend or want to. It's not that I don't pray or know that i am stronger. Its not that I lack suport totally. I know I need to continue walking this absurd life, but what I would like is a serious break, and some form of motivation to really put a real smile back on my face again.

Everyone's tired. Everyone needs to run and hide sometimes.
I just want to be away, and have some peace of mind.

The people around me are all struggling. Most od them at least. Even those who are parents. perhaps evem my own parents. I woudlnt know.

But I am an empty cup now, covered with a cap, and seeing only the darkness, evevn though I know there is light beyond this covered cup. Because people are dying, and I should make the most of my life but I feel old already. Day by day, I can feel my body crying out silently, that it needs rest. yet the sleepless nights have come back.

I am not the same anymore.
A high point might come again, but i know the low is never too far away. But the high will come again, and I can only pray.

No one really knows how much I need some rest now.