...in her head again.......

i cant do this anymore.
im so so bruised inside, i really cant cant take any of this anymore. ANYMORE.

its neither here nor there. I dare say, im not much of a friend to him and definitely no longer in even the teenist part of his heart. I mean i can give him the vredit for some kind deeds. But other than tht, i think he'd never wana make friends wait, but im sure he'd make me wait anytime. He'd never show friends hes bored..b ut he'll always give tht feeling to me now. he'd never be so uncautious with the things he sayd to friends.. but with me, he says things off all the other many girls like I dont feel a thing anymore.

Sometimes I attribute it to the very reason tht its like we're so familiar already, he tends this way, like the way we tend towards family members- AKA TAKING FOR GRANTED tht they are always there, rain shine or brink of death.

I bluff. I say i give up. But deep down, I know my love for him is wider than any fucking ocean on this earth. I can STILL look at his damn face, and wana stare at him forever. I DO NOT understand it OR MYSELF ANYMORE. At least what my heart is driving at my head, making my head completely whacked.

I am useless. I cant win him anymore. Ive lost but i wave the white flag and still leave a stain of red.

I was shocked tht he walked me to the end of the rd this evening even. He just openly said to his aunt tonite tht we're not tog (without the anymore) like as if it didnt matter to me. He toked abt the song relating to his thoughts of vivian like as if it didnt matter to me. Its the thousandth time, ive heard things. Like he told me the other day that kate won her singing compeition. U NOE SMTH?? I HAVE NOTHING AGANST THESE LOVELY GIRLS, and i really mean tht, but im so tired and fed up of hearing all these things.

We're friends. YES IVE GIVEN IN to tht. But I dont feel like a friend. I constantly feel like i did him wrong and each time we are alone, there nothign to tok abt. he goes silent. tht cheeriness he gives his friends, nothing is there. What am I???

the thing is u noe, ive said so much abt him to all of u, tht some of you who are closer tend to side me. But i have faults too. I wasnt the angel gf, netiehr was i the pillar for him.. i noe i wasnt tht great at all, but till today i just dont understand.

Thru many of my entires uve red my train of thought. U noe what things ive realised etc, and i dont plan to regurgitte any now. But hes good. Dont ever think anything lesser of him as a person.. its just certain things.

U noe leonard said to me, tht hes a nice guy, and tht he likes him, and he cud see why i like him. Yes, theres smth abt this boy, after all this SHIT. REAL SHIT, tht i still want so much. hes as jaded as any of us. hes as messed up as any of us. he gets terrible with things like any of us. but hes special to me, and will always be. I cant change tht. My logic no longer rusn with my heart.

And thts why i cause myself all this pain.
But I feel like walking out after this.. coz i seem to appear un needed anymore.
I literally have to beg him to play smth for me to sing, while hed ask others to sing even casually.
I wish i was really just his friend. I think i'd be more special than I am now to him.

Sighs... :( I dont know...it hurts too much now.
I keep my promises. And I will fulfil each of them promises, even to him.

Bite the tongue real hard, and try hard to keep walking.

Theres so much i wana say to you.
But If only u cud see tht all i wana do is talk.

You dont even wana talk anymore.
Theres just too much we've gone thru.