...in her head again.......


SUNDAY OCT 8 06
JAGGED LITTLE PILLS

[NOTE:Today's thoughts are in random order, and not in sequence.]


I hope everyone else that I know, is doing and feeling and coping better than I am. This place, this blog isnt just about me, and I want you to know I worrie for each and everyone of you too.


FEAR. Somehow very fearful for my coming gig. On one hand, insistent tht when the day comes, i will be top notch again and confident and ready. On the other hand, I can only pray my flu starts taking for the better, and that my songs will turn out fine. Listening to Aya Sekine's vocalist last night, I started hating the songs Ive chosen. I always end up with little time somehow, and thts my fault for being so disorganised with the jams and all, and due to circumstance of events. She did a few songs that I would love top cover, but even for december's gig, there may not be enuff time to make changes now. PLUS. My musicians are busy and nice people already, as it is.


I wana do Alanis Morisette.


I. Am. Confused. Lost. I have alot on my mind today.Ive been writing things into my diary, re-sorting my job possibilities again. It is encouraging to have had a few friends say to me DONT GIVE UP. And yes, I wont, as much as it is very easy to just give in now. But I cant also. I do remember that.


Can the church sponsor me for the Pattaya trip? I really want to go and see those poor kids. The trip costs $450.


My heart is betraying me. It's contradicting me.It's confusing me, it's starting to 'beat' again. Am I being too cold to him? Sometimes, I feel I am, when I think and do know that hes not having an easy time either. But most of the time, I dont feel Im being cold at all, after all tht hes put me through. But at d end of the day, when he decides to go home himself, I know that ive still lost.Somehow I know that hes as mixed up as I am now. I dont need to talk to him to know. I feel him and "talk" to him through my senses now. Sounds really ridiculous, but we tend the same way, alot of the time at the SAME time.

Im starting to feel for others now. Not sure why, but maybe becoz Im going thru the get-over-yet-not-quite-there period. methinkingabthimconstantlystillyettotallybeingcoldholdingbackhurting yet somehownowfeelingandstartingtoseeagain.

interestinghoweachstageofourliveswefeelfordifferentpeople.

wonder what will happen when i dostartmovingon.


Im very touched and deeply grateful to the friends who silently stick by me; and dont criticise and judge me for my weaknesses and constant failures.Once in a while they drop a line, and its nice.


God has an interesting way of keeping us rooted to the ground. He noes well I love singing, and performing, yet he constantly humbles me by my illnesses..which cause me to perform less well sometimes. it's like he wants me to remember not to become proud.

I feel I didnt sing well today. As in my cantoring.
And strangely each time I think I dont sound good, everyone else thinks otherwise. I joked with Pat that perhaps their ears or mine have prob hahaha. But when these kinda things happen, I know truly that it is God's doing. God made everyone hear the nice parts, and not the bad parts. I felt it was terrible today coz of my sore throat. I find it very hard to place my voice correctly when im sick. The air passage and all is blocked. But I prayed before i went onto the alter today, and asked God to just take control of my voice and help me deliver his msg as best as i could. Thank you Lord.
I get very stressed and worried when it comes to singing. I give myself alot of preasure. When it comes to singing at God's alter, I expect myself to be perfect, becoz God is no less than perfect for us. But somehow, maybe becoz Im standing on sacred "floor" haha, I tend to always have flat notes here and there or stuff like tht. Singing really is not a simple thing. It requires alot besides emotion. it requires alot of technique, some of which can only be self learnt; like placing of voice.


Camile said each one of us has a little angel or two or more sent by God to be around us when we need most or smth. And they dont alwways have to be around, but u know they are. And I agree. I do have little angels and I know who they are. Im really thankful for their support and unspoken love they give.


My mind is really troubled now.


Felt chest pains during mass today. the cough comes and goes, and when it comes i get these pains coz i cough very hard.


Pat's gastrocitis is getting worse again. Am very worried for him.


Robbie Willams concert is on starworld now. Wow. Just look at his audience. W o w.


I musnt give in. I musnt give in.


Dont give up this fight.


I wonder what everyone is doing now.
Remember I care for all of you, and I still do even though im so troubled.


Tonight, MTV is my solace.



Jw..am i too real for you? You love to indirectly tok abt things and make things all sound like a joke, coz though ure serious u rather joke abt things to make things not so bad. Like how u love the short woman on the red body black and white teeth, her passions sounds so good, and u'd love to share yr red wood metal with her. Aya Sekine : ) It took me two days to figure tht out. Heh. I kinda like the discription. Very nice.


For some reason my blog loks very disgusting to me tonite. It looks too happy, too cute. Feel liek taking pics off.


Is it me, or im drifting further and further from my sunday dinner gang? I feel Im not willing to open up tot hem though i want to. I feel like they wana ask but theyre worried to. I feel like as weird as jared and i are of the same age, there ssmth abt him tht keeps me from talking to him. Like i fear him.I dont know why i feel this way now. Though i feel fondly for him as a brother. Strange.



Tmr. I should go out and spend some time alone. Call up our church kindergarden see how.Go for mass maybe. I think i wana drop by bordersa nd buy a notebook. Perhaps go catch a silly movie. Just by myself.


ok. ive spent too long writing tonite. Gonna go crash and get some much needed rest.

God bless all.