and she dreams again...

-the world and many places around me-

i dont exactly know how to put so much into words, but, today, I realised i can't make everyone around me happy. When i cry out to my friends, they tell me dont "best" myself up too much for my wrong doings in the past, or the inperfections i feel about myself. Today, after getting scolded in church, I realised even more that, I was beating myself up even more, when I felt so bad about not being a good role model for my section. Why shoudl I beat myself up for it? I am myself, I have my own set of burdens to carry everyday, and I didn't need to make myself feel worse than i already feel.

I just noe that it's realli about time I do smth about my discipline and my responsibilities, at least to myself, coz it's getting in the way of everything, and it has been affecting me badly over the years. It has transced thru school , work, friends, family, and now if i realli dont do anything about it, I'm not gonna get thru life any further with much achievements at all. Nick, Mum, dad, have all told me this eons ago. I knew it too, but the effect of it all, is realli presenting itself to me now, more than ever.

*Take a deep deep breath, let go, and gather strength from God and move with the flow*

I pray i get the job. I pray I get it soon.

I pray the dear lord keeps me focused, and continues to keep me safe and give me strength to carry on my daily acitivities. I pray God takes care of mum, dad and korkor especially. I missed him dearly tonight. There was a sudden terrible longing for his company, not outside but at home. I wanted to watch this vcd dear lent me. I watched it at his place, cuddled up with him, but wanted to borrow and watch it on my comp. Then i really felt like watching it with korkor, coz he loves such movies too. But, I knew he was at home, watching tv....I wonder if he still walks into my room? I wish i could make tht room vanish or use magic and make him imagine im there...i didn't reply dad and mum's email...im not prepared to, and I dont feel i should head back, to cause them more problems. im scared of myself. I'd learn better outside, but tonight, I realli wished i could share a plate of snacks with korkor. I wonder if he knew what was going thru my mind when i spoek to him on msn tonite? I have been somewhat strong, but lost it again tonite...but when i wake, I noe i'd be ok. It's always the nite. I told u all before abt the nite and me.I wonder, if i dont go home, whether i'd ever get to tok to mummy and daddy again? I can't imagien going through life not talking to them anymore, even if Im outta home...afterall, they are my parents. I still recognise, and love them for it. Today is daddy's birthday..i hope he smiled when i msg him earlier today..instead of the last time when he sent me back many msgs after i wished him happy fathers' day.

Happy birthday daddy.I love you. I'd never forget, the many memories with you. Hope u had a good celebration today.

Dear, thank you for a lovely weekend. Again, as I left your place to head to church, I was sad..tht i wont get to see you till next weekend. Every weekend I spend with you, i forget i have problems. It's just so much easier to bear with u around. U care and love me like u have a never ending river of love for me. i feel bad. I feel taken care of when i'm with you dear. Thank you dear, for many meals uve cooked for me, for giving me water when i cough, for always worrying when i get breathless in my sleep, for soothing me when i cry, for hugging me and telling me u love me and tht i can do many things, for msging me and telling me u had a lovely time with me, or u cant wait to see me, for supporting me in everything, for being with me.

Happy Seven months dear. :) Many occasions to celebrater today....

I had a nice dinner with zaza today after mass. It's been ages since i had some private time together with her. It was nice, just letting it all out to each other. Thank you sis.

Harri and uncle mark and auntie constance have been good to me. I am blessed to have a roof over my head still, when this isnt even my family. Simon has been caring too. And though renren's obsessed with dota now, i noe his hands are always ready to reach out and support, though i must say dota is realli taking him away from us.

I shoudl go now. I have written enough. Graduaation was realli lovely. Photos will be up once kor has them ready for me. Graduation was realli memorable, and im so glad korkor was there :) Thanks kor!! Deep deep down, i wished mum and dad were there too...but I noe they are proud of me still. Kor took photos for me..and that was fantastic...he treated me to pastamania lunch too! :P After tht him, weiyi and i went to esplanade to watch the SAF band...I realli enjoyed it. The band was super. Maybe orchestra would be a better word. Ahh, nevermind.. So, yeap, photos will be up soon.; Ive realli written alot today.