and she's confused again...

I"ve been quite lucky this week.
I was allowed out on Tues night for the gig; but because dear was out tht nite, the gig suddenly meant nothing to me. It was the one event I had been awaiting for weeks, and then the enthusiasm to see it all vanished within a second after reading dear's msg : " Dear, I managed to book out tonight. Have fun at the gig! Miss you...". I replied, " Dear, you're out tonight??! Are you home now??! I would love to see you!". Replied dear " I would love to see you too dear". And hence, with that, I typed a reply with my mighty fingers and told him "Dear, the gig means nothing. I'm coming over to see you."

...So I lied to dad and mum and even nick about going for the gig. I don't lie to dad and mum about anything now. But it was a small lie that ddin't cause harm. I had not seen him for an entire weeko and more. There were days it seemed like nothing. There were nights my heart suddenly felt lonely. There were days I was so happy being home, and having nick's company. Now it's more balanced I guess. Ttonight, approximately just an hour ago, I was feeling fine and happy. Now, I'm suddenly a tad upset. Don't get me wrong. I just saw dear again tonight. This being that dad and mum allowed me to see him once this week, ( a whole weekday) coz I hadn't seen him at all (supposedly) since the previous sunday. I was also suppose to attend cantor meeting earlier tonight, but the flu that has been plaguing me hasn't gone off. My voice is only half strength now, and it is incredibly worrying. (Seeing that I am involved in caroling practices soon, and Christmas peagent and all)

So, I decided not to attend the cantor meeting earlier this evening after much deliberation. Making the right choices aren't easy for me these days. I sat down, and thought long and hard about it; coz earlier this morning, I was just told that i wouldn't be singing on 6th Nov anymore. My cantor slot had been shifted to end of Nov. This also meant that it wasn't entirely necessary for me to have been present tonight, even though they needed my help with the vocal training. I decided not to go. It might end up wasting my time again, like it did previously, and it also meant that I may not get to meet up with dear again, in a long time. ( I never know these days, with dear's schedules being terribly unpredictable). I rationalised knowing that it was more necessary for me to attend the next cantor meeting two weeks from now, closer to my actual cantor date.

So, I met up with dear today, and we had quite an interesting time over a meeting with some weird guy who wanted to form a band, and dinner at parkway. This deicion was extremely last minute, and I didn't know about it till I had reached dear's bus stop. I could only come to the conclusion that dear was in too much of a rush to have msg me and told me any earlier. He did say the guy called him at 4pm. I was a little puzzled as to why he didn't tell me about it till I msg and said I was on my way. * pauses and frowns upon it for a while*. I decided to brush it aside. Small matter.

We made our way home on the various buses, braving the thunderstorm that came down on us so suddenly after dinner time. I made my way home early, and that was a gd thing. I'm glad I listened to dear and didn't go home any later. I think dad and mum were pleased to some extent.

Small matter until...

I don't know, it's not an issue, but I'm a little puzzled. Just before dear went off to sleep earlier, he said to me " Dear, I know I have not been giving you enough attention" . I found that really funny. To me, I hadn't even noticed. It isn't his fault that his schedules suck now, and so are my limits on going out now. He went offline with the usual loving I Love You words. It's sweet he always says this to me, with an extra "dear, drink water" and then he goes off. But suddenly, I start to wonder why he made such a comment. I'm rather puzzled. I don't want to be the girl who thinks so much into just a comment he made. I probably won't bother about it tomorrow, but I'm just quite puzzled. Why did he say that?

I feel lonely again. He's gone off to sleep.

Deep down, I wish i had the whole night with him. We had to rush ard and before I knew it, it was time to head home. During the time I stayed out, we would have braved the rain, headed home together, warmed up and slept in each other's arms tonight.

I'm not complaining, being back in my room, having my dad and mum fetch me from the bus stop in the rain. I thought of them, and they actually thought of me too! I was really touched by that. : )

Something tells me, dear needs more time to himself. He said tonight that he is trying to spilt his time. I really don't want to be the girlfriend who takes up all his time. BUT I already am giving him more time, since I can't see him much anymore. I DON'T KNOW. i shall leave it to him to decide.

Maybe I should sleep now.