Now i feel like im really putting on a mask. Pretending to be happy, pretendint to be ok, when I really am not. This pretence is eating me up, but I don't want the people I care about, to get dragged won or so worried for me if I'm with them and I'm always sulking or crying or obviously not "with them".
I feel horrible. Horrible that I'm back in this wrutt, and no matter how hard I am trying to overcome it, it just won't let me go. Every little thing frustrates me now, and seems so difficult. With constantly disrupted sleep, crying every day and night, things like what to wear the next day, or whether I should stick my postcard up on the wall again, or things to pack, seem like such BIG tasks.Nick has been returning me some stuff from my room ive been asking for bit by bit, but i cant even really put things up like the way i used to. Why should I dress so nicely when there's no one to dress up for anymore. And ironically, I think i look nicer now only. But whats the point of looking good on the outside, when I dont feel even half a bit good on the inside. Suddenly I can't stop the temptation of buying things for myself.
Every time I am feeling down, I tell myself there are SO MANY things to occupy my mind with, like bloggin, checking up on music links, loading and downloading music, packing up stuff, reading my books or magazines, watching tv, esp scrubs now tht charles has entrusted it to me to watch...I can write emails, check them,, rest, find places to gig or to watch gigs,i should and cud get down to practising my guitar again and learning new songs for my gig slot end july...which unfortunately charles cant do anymore. If only he cud, since claire, him and i have three seperate slots. But even though I have things at home, ready to keep me busy, I just can't go about everything. I hate that this is happening again.
Why. Why am i losing myself and breakind down time and time again over him. Hes suck a jerk anyway. But, But I dont know. Why have I ended up getting so angry and so hurt by him. I hate it tht hes always been a coward and he just ended it all like tht, and now seems very happy. why am i the only one in such pain. The pain was wearing off, but now, it's come back like as if we just broke up yesterday, I cried last night, and I found myslef crying againw ehn I got home from tonight's gig and was away from everyone. yet I wish I ahd someone ard to console me. Pat called after I was done crying and he kinda guessed tht I did, coz my voice was in shambles. I watched a couple of episodes of SCRUBS and that really made me feel better.
I hate him, yet I want things back. I know it's over now, and that it's pointles, but it's just so fucking painful. It's all so weird now. It's everything, everything has changed. I wanted to tell him abt my new job, i wanted to show hiom the new clothes i bought, I wanted to look good for him, but ...I really want to slap him. I really want to scream my head off at him. I feel so distraught now when he's going to be, or is around,a nd it finally happeend today. And yes, like I told Harri, his presence isnt appreciated and thanks for either being considerate for not coming back or he must have felt fucking guilty or nonchalanat. I dont know whether i want him in my sight or not. The anger wants very much to face him, the heart wants very much to scream this all out with him, but the head is so incredibly disappointedand pent up, I wouldnt know what to do anyway.
I walked into Timbre (Substation garden) this evening, and at the same time Charles, Him, his GIRL ex classmate, Ivan, Dimitri walked out. It took me a while from a distance to recognise them, but I did sooner, and I only caught a glance of him. i didnt even see the person behind. If it's a girl, my immediate label is bitch, thank u very much. Why am i even being so posessive. Why am i so upset tht ive lost suvch a jerk. Im so disappointed. Shit. it just is so painful. After a wuick few words, the group and I walked seperate ways, and I felt a sharp pain in my chest. No the tears just cudnt come out. Not in public. The whole night I tried hard not to think abt it, but it just escalated in me, and my head started to get heavy. Wud he come backw ith them? I thought. I knew he wouldn't, coz he can't stand to see me anymore Im sure and his msn already hasme on another list. I want so much to erase me out of everything , yet it's been so unbearably unco,fortable and weird without him ard. YAH. So, now I feel guilty tht I have to be the cause of a group of friends who initially all hung out together, now have to be spilt into two, harriet naturally being with me, even tho she doesnt have to, and charles with him and the rest...Charles has honestly been so good. So incredibly understading and mature abt this whole thing. And im very grateful from the bottom of my heart. Harri too, really tried her hardest to make me feel wanted tonight.
I heard he didnt wana come back for the gig, and i tot to myself, why, pls dont not come just becoz of me? But then again thts yr problem if u want to miss out on a gig and I dont have to face all the awkwardness. I only remember glancing in his directiona dn seeing his blank stare. I dressed up tonight, but for wat.
I say I hate him so much, but all I wanted was to continue loving him. but look at how it'sall turned out.
Oh btw Charles, scrubs is really good.
I feel horrible. Horrible that I'm back in this wrutt, and no matter how hard I am trying to overcome it, it just won't let me go. Every little thing frustrates me now, and seems so difficult. With constantly disrupted sleep, crying every day and night, things like what to wear the next day, or whether I should stick my postcard up on the wall again, or things to pack, seem like such BIG tasks.Nick has been returning me some stuff from my room ive been asking for bit by bit, but i cant even really put things up like the way i used to. Why should I dress so nicely when there's no one to dress up for anymore. And ironically, I think i look nicer now only. But whats the point of looking good on the outside, when I dont feel even half a bit good on the inside. Suddenly I can't stop the temptation of buying things for myself.
Every time I am feeling down, I tell myself there are SO MANY things to occupy my mind with, like bloggin, checking up on music links, loading and downloading music, packing up stuff, reading my books or magazines, watching tv, esp scrubs now tht charles has entrusted it to me to watch...I can write emails, check them,, rest, find places to gig or to watch gigs,i should and cud get down to practising my guitar again and learning new songs for my gig slot end july...which unfortunately charles cant do anymore. If only he cud, since claire, him and i have three seperate slots. But even though I have things at home, ready to keep me busy, I just can't go about everything. I hate that this is happening again.
Why. Why am i losing myself and breakind down time and time again over him. Hes suck a jerk anyway. But, But I dont know. Why have I ended up getting so angry and so hurt by him. I hate it tht hes always been a coward and he just ended it all like tht, and now seems very happy. why am i the only one in such pain. The pain was wearing off, but now, it's come back like as if we just broke up yesterday, I cried last night, and I found myslef crying againw ehn I got home from tonight's gig and was away from everyone. yet I wish I ahd someone ard to console me. Pat called after I was done crying and he kinda guessed tht I did, coz my voice was in shambles. I watched a couple of episodes of SCRUBS and that really made me feel better.
I hate him, yet I want things back. I know it's over now, and that it's pointles, but it's just so fucking painful. It's all so weird now. It's everything, everything has changed. I wanted to tell him abt my new job, i wanted to show hiom the new clothes i bought, I wanted to look good for him, but ...I really want to slap him. I really want to scream my head off at him. I feel so distraught now when he's going to be, or is around,a nd it finally happeend today. And yes, like I told Harri, his presence isnt appreciated and thanks for either being considerate for not coming back or he must have felt fucking guilty or nonchalanat. I dont know whether i want him in my sight or not. The anger wants very much to face him, the heart wants very much to scream this all out with him, but the head is so incredibly disappointedand pent up, I wouldnt know what to do anyway.
I walked into Timbre (Substation garden) this evening, and at the same time Charles, Him, his GIRL ex classmate, Ivan, Dimitri walked out. It took me a while from a distance to recognise them, but I did sooner, and I only caught a glance of him. i didnt even see the person behind. If it's a girl, my immediate label is bitch, thank u very much. Why am i even being so posessive. Why am i so upset tht ive lost suvch a jerk. Im so disappointed. Shit. it just is so painful. After a wuick few words, the group and I walked seperate ways, and I felt a sharp pain in my chest. No the tears just cudnt come out. Not in public. The whole night I tried hard not to think abt it, but it just escalated in me, and my head started to get heavy. Wud he come backw ith them? I thought. I knew he wouldn't, coz he can't stand to see me anymore Im sure and his msn already hasme on another list. I want so much to erase me out of everything , yet it's been so unbearably unco,fortable and weird without him ard. YAH. So, now I feel guilty tht I have to be the cause of a group of friends who initially all hung out together, now have to be spilt into two, harriet naturally being with me, even tho she doesnt have to, and charles with him and the rest...Charles has honestly been so good. So incredibly understading and mature abt this whole thing. And im very grateful from the bottom of my heart. Harri too, really tried her hardest to make me feel wanted tonight.
I heard he didnt wana come back for the gig, and i tot to myself, why, pls dont not come just becoz of me? But then again thts yr problem if u want to miss out on a gig and I dont have to face all the awkwardness. I only remember glancing in his directiona dn seeing his blank stare. I dressed up tonight, but for wat.
I say I hate him so much, but all I wanted was to continue loving him. but look at how it'sall turned out.
Oh btw Charles, scrubs is really good.
posted by melissa at 5/21/2006 03:28:00 AM
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