and she THINKS again. --->Please read my long entry today, because I've got much to say today. To me, it is "deep". Hahahahaaaa.....

I am becoming an adult now, and suddenly at a rapid rate. I feel it in my bones, my mind, and my heart. it is a very nice change. My mind is constantly thinking about things-at work, on the bus, when I'm walking etc. I have been dying to get home today, to write my blog ennty, coz at various points of the day, I had tons to blog about, but was out of reach of a computer.

Our daily lives can feel and be very surreal, and I think this feeling occurs more so at night, when one is on his/her way home from work, on a long bus ride, with his/her music playing in his/her handphone/mp3 player/cd player. I noticed that I have been doing more thinking these days, compared to before, and rather reflective thinking at that. I notice that I've also become more observant of people's behaviour and character/personality. I am more wary of people, esp at work. They appear nice and cordial, but you never know what they truly feel about you. The sincere ones are easier to "see through" and you can be more certain of their sincerity towards you, but those who chat among themselves, go for smoke breaks, and order you to do things simply because they are more senior than you, are the really hypocritical ones. Of coz if they are the bosses, u can do nothing about it, except feel disgusted and ill treated;and shuve it off, but those who are also staff like myself, and beahve like u owe them a favour, are really idiots. However, I've learnt to deal with it and accept whatever that work gives me. Today's work was fine, but everyone was petty and pretty annoying. They tested my patience. At d end of the day, my boss could see I was a little fed up already, but i swear I did my best.

On the way home, I really appreicated the radio feature in my handphone. I realised I have become more dependent on music now. Alot in fact. It makes things so much easier to "cool" off from.

Something really, really happy happened today before I left for work. Mum and I had quite a nice chat, and we had some laughs as well. I never thought I would "see" a day like this again, to have such a moment with mum again, but it happened. : ) I was so happy that I told quite a fewfriends about it. I went to work with high spirits, and that feeling was amazing.

I was too tired to meet up with Jeanie piggy wiggy today. -Haha, in case u are wondering; she's my ex kc classmate, and a rather buddy one too. Harri probably remembers her vaguely.

It's interesting how friends are closer when they are far apart--in A WAY LA. Ok, Im specifically talking abt Harri and myself. We enver used to talk, back at her place, besides the reason that we had a misunderstanding. We hardly MSN-ed, and became distant. Now we are buddy again. But like I said, Ive learnt much from the experience. Any friend can leave u at any point in time, and Im facing it again--with Ren. *Harri, hope u dont mind, i just like to document my experiences on my blog*. I joked with Harri, saying and asking her WHY each time, one of the three of them rotate at being on bad terms with me. HAHAHA, this is probably my doing, but If it's not her, then it's dear, or Rene. During the time I stayed at hers, I experienced bad times with each of them, and this is still happening.

I'll say it here, because it is the current disappointment. (How happening is it eh? That each time I have a disappointment in my life). If a disppointment doesn't affect me, I brush it off. But when it means smth to me, I wana repair it. I'll say it one more time--Rene, I feel I deserve the right to know why ure ignoring me. Do I really have to lose the best guy friend in you? They say every beginning marks the end of another beginning but why do u choose to make me an ending?

Disappointments, suprises and happiness are feelings that are a part of our lives, to mould us, for us to become a stronger person.

I have so much to say *ahhh*. I'm happy I have always had this love for writing, ( to express my feelings and thoughts). When I was younger, I never thought this would become a habit, or an essential need for me, but it has. I used to write in my diary every day. I used to carry my diary in my bag when I was younger. Now I make it a point to blog; and when I don't, I feel like I haven't had my say, and made known my feelings about things to the world. It is not that i am so proud and want the world to hear all my stories, complains and woes. But it is something I need to do, to get by. I like to share good and bad things, for others to understand, to learn, to help me, to get thoughts off my chest.

None of the paragraphs in this entry are necessarily linked. I just need to pen down all the various thoughts I've had throughouttoday. There have been too many, and I'm writing whatever comes to mind.

Some current artists that I enjoy listening to on my player or radio, are kelly clarkson,bo bice, stef sun, matilda tao, maroon five, cold play, green day, ronin, rivermaya, chai chun jia, jay chou, tao ze, michelle branch (even), avril lavinge( no seriously), clay akien(xmas album), utada hikaru (just for tht one song that makes me so "drowned" all the time), even Britney ( for the few decent, ballad songs she produced), and I guess quite a few more that I can't quite remember offhand.

Teenagers really have it hard these days.
Ok, since I'm not a teen anymore, then I guess a better description would be, those who are growing up are not having it easy now. It really isn't an easy thing in this day and age- So much talk of moral values going down the drain, influence from the media, friends, trends from other countries, celebrities and what their opinions are, and even who they themselves want to be- So much imposing of different people's views of things, opinions etc etc. The list HONESTLY can go on forever. Admit it. In fact, I'm not even doing justice here talking about growing up, coz I have so much to express, but unfortunately, like singing, the things I love to do, I always lack the ability to do it well. For writing, I lack the vocabulary and style of writing. I always wish so badly, that I knew how to write better, in order to relay what i feel about things that happen to me or in this world, to those who actually bother reading my entries.

I think I love communication. I love talking, sms-ing, chatting, socialising, and singing. I always wanted to be a deejay. I think all of these point to the want to relay msgs to people, relay my feelings to people, and thus why I love singing more than writing even. I think I've always wanted to be heard. Attention seeking??? Maybe, in a good way.

There are all sorts of people in the world. People with good and bad hearts and intentions. People who are sincere and evil. People who wear " masks", people who ...... again, another one of those things where one would never see the list end and never hear enough about, coz humans are all different in character, in views, in experiences, and are always imperfect.
This, brings me to what i want to really say. --Being in harmony with everyone , really isn't easy is it? That is also why I go through so many different problems with people. Coz everyday, I'm learning to adapt to people and trying my very best to make them happy, without casuing myself too much problems as well.
Conclusion to this, like my friend said to me just yesterday: Relationships are always like that, isn't it?? Yeap. I think I'm crazy about communication. I'm always on the constant need and want to reach out to others through whatever means of COMMUNICATION. I can see now, why I wana teach. This is probably part of my desire, other than the fact that I love kids alot. I REALLY DO.

Gee, This is freaky. I am in love with a A.I song now: "INSIDE YR HEAVEN", bo bice's or carrie underwood's version. Been hearing it alot on radio--and JUST heard it again.( I was just thinking about it!! *freaky*). Thanks God. U know my heart's desire all the time.

On the topic of freaky, I am starting and inclined to believe, that I have a sixth sense. It's happened twice, thrice and I am afriad to know when the fourth time will be. I always have an uneasy feeling when something bad is going to happen to someone close to me, or someone that someone close to me knows. First, it was a heavy feeling before Vicki's leaving. Next, it was an indescribable sadness the night before Perry's leaving. Yesterday, it was Adora's grandma getting into a comma. I don't want the fourth time to come. I don't like having a sixth sense.

I am into LIME magazine these few months ( I havent bought the recent one! but I read Yuner's). They have good stuff inside. Always have freebie giveaways, wich I love sms-ing for, always have good fashion spreads, and I mean local ones, and alot more. The 8 days magazine, has become utterly boring. No substance.

My friend produced a magazine recently, called the Music Maxout magazine. I am completely awed at her perseverance through the process of producing it, coz she did a FANTASTIC JOB AT IT. She sure as hell isn't prefect either. But hey, achievements prove people wrong, and have always been solid concrete evidence of one's ability. Hence the famous saying : Actions speak MUCH LOUDER than words.
Another group of friends I'm extremely proud of today, are my RONIN friends. The vocalist, Levan (whoose name I shall not reveal, and lead guitarist, Sean, are my personal friends. Levan told me many years ago, that he would become famous locally, and make a mark in the music niche here in sunny-pore. I laughed it off, esp with our condition of albinism. Now I have nothing else to laugh at, but laugh at myself, for not having believed it could have become possible. Support my friends, coz though rock has NEVER been my cup of tea, they produce praise worthy, tongue-wagging, media-paparazzi worth material. They are that good. I have to admit it.

Once u put yr heart and soul to smth, u can achieve it.
Nothing is impossible
How u want yr life to trn out, is in yr hands, and not just God's.
Help yrself, do things the right way, and u'll get what u want, whatever it may be.
Example: Be nice to others, if u want them to be nice to you, and they will naturally be nice back. Avoid doing anything to provoke, and see that people will find it hard to fault you, even if they want to. They end up respecting you.

Without music, life woudl REALLY be a mistake.
I believe the world will continue to produce talents for music, for radio, for daily living, in order for the world to be a place to live in. I respect people who give public service ie: the bus drivers. Anyone ever thought abt them? I'm sure some of you have, at one point of another. They work very hard. Another being the cleaners. F&B peopel too. Construction workers, just to name a few.As for music, I will be worried the day we have no more musicians. God forbid that ever to happen.

I am on a constant self check now. I am unconciosuly and deliberately, (yes, very contradicting, but true), wanting to improve myself. Maybe that's why, I find it easier to accept it nowwhen anyone is too hard on me. Better to learn now than never. I'm just so afraid of ONE THING. -I'm afraid of going astray again. The year I was 18, I was horrible. The year I was 19, I was ok to good. The current yr, I was bad and now good. I hope and pray that it was only becaue I was still constantly changing as I had not decided on who i was to be, which meant my morals, identity, character, and everything that makes me out to be who i am now. I hope it happened only because I was still young, and easily influenced. I AM still young , I know that only too well, but I'm at a point, where I am starting to settleon/decide/ make concrete who I am,wana be and show it to people around me.

Look at how many paragraphs I've "poured" out today. This is how much I think these days. Wow, now i know why My mind can't put itself to rest when it needs to/ when I need it to.
I'm 20. my name is melissa desiree liaw, and I'm growing up, and becoming an adult very soon. Hi, This is the new me. Miss Mel.

Everything needs care, and effort. It is , indeed alot to make right, since everything means every single thing in your life, but it can be done. Everything needs to be treated like a plant, if not a human. TLC, and effort, to make things good.

The sun is shining for me--and i feel good. It feels right, and I know this is just the beginning. Ths feeling is so strong, it must be right. It's gonna get better. Thank you Lord.

I'm infamous for being emotional, and especially at showing it all over my face, through my body language, and crying easily. And one out of two persons I know all the time, are always advising me to get a hold of myself, or get in control of my own emotions--and now, I think I'm finally being able to do it--what seemed to be impossible to me for the longest time.

Thank you lord. I'd never want to end my life on purpose,that's for sure. I have too much to be grateful for.

Hope you liked my "essay" today. Good day to all of you. God bless the world.

I hope I have many more years to learn things and do good for others. I hope God gives me a chance at living again. I feel like I've just started living.

I hope Lord, that u forgive me for all my sins,and save me from harm, today, right now. I'm not demanding it, but asking and pleading for it. I don't want my life to be ruined in any way, so forgive me my sins, father.