and she thinks hard again...

(Drowning in te praises of the Lord, worship songs..and loving it, being soothed by it)

I don't understand--Something doesn't feel right- I thought about it for a while late this afternoon, and shurgged it off with some reassurance from him. But now, it's starting to get to me. I hope it's me being overly sensitive. Am I overly sensitive? I pray not. Whatever it is, maybe I should lay low for a while. I am quite confused, and am not sure if what I'm feeling is right. But I'll just contnue my mundane life for now, and see whether it may be me. if anything is wearing out, I am rather afraid. It doesn't seem to be--seriously--but why do i feel it? A silent msg to me, that I'm not really needed nemore....AIYAH!! mel, stop thinking so much la. HAIZ. *slaps meself* What la, what maybe i'm not being understood or being trusted, shall just DUMP it one side la......u think i can? Who am i kidding here.......haiz.

Tonight, i'm a little edgy. Heart feels a little heavy too..and all i can do is listen to God's music and calm myself down.

Got nagged abt staying home and wasting electricity, sleeping in half the day. Getting pre-assumed that I dont wana find a job all. HELLO, if there''s anyone who wants to work here IS ME LOH. Wana go out tmr, but there's no one to go out with. I wana walk ard town, but I have no money to shop also. Shit. Would very much like to get a cd or two, and a new top for the xmas events coming up, but looks like I've gotta wait to get some earned money first.

I'm waiting for primary school books from various sources--hopefully i'll get some. I really need to prep myself, and I know that also mean sleeping early. I will try to do that soon. I'm trying to get myself to read more too, which is proving to be a very difficult thing. As you all know, it has never quite been my habit.

Wana work, yet don't wana work (now and jan onwards). The irony of it all.

I keep having fluctuating feelings about home and him. When times are bad on my side, I wish i could run to him and run away from it all. But when he upsets me, i get pissed and wonder why im wasting my time. But it's all not as simple as it is. Feelings are involved on both sides. There's nothing wrong with us now, but I'm sensing that he isn't so sure, MAYBE?? Hmm..I treasure what I have now, be it on my side or his, but nights like these, when I am a little edgy, even the little naggings got to me. Just czuase I'm not going out with him tmr in the day, I have to finish up housework again. I wake everyday to these. But Auntie told me these are nothing--why am I no sleeping well, she asks as well?--When I start working, these will be worse, much worse. I know that Only too well. Nick was just sharing with me the things he has to put up with even though he is only freelancing. The worlds sucks.

I couldn't say it more--the world sucks. Life sucks. Life is feeling meaningless for me at the moment. Won't Christmas come sooner.

Dear Lord, Please guide your child, my many thoughts and feelings. Guide me onto the right path, carry me. I need you, in your own quiet way Lord. Please give me something to keep me busy. Help me understand things, and not just think in my own little box. Lord, give me the wisdom and the maturity to handle things I find too hard to. Lord, give me the serenity, to accpet thet hings I can't change, the courage to change what i can, and the wisdom to understand.

I love you all.