whoa hwoa!! Godbrobro nick chan woke me up today!!! If not I prob would have overslept for WERK!!! ARGHHH .....Work was good, and I was happy, though a tiny bit sleepy. Pat was ard at work today, and we finally mustered the courage to talk abt certain things, coz I didn't know how to clarify the matter with him. It's good, now I feel better, that we're definitely starting on friends basis. I mean, the guy is nice..so I dont wana reject him like the way i reject other guys i cant be bothered abt. I have a heart, for those who have hearts hehehehe =) In the first place, we already were nice colleagues to each other. I hope he's ok...I just wana be friends with him...

After work, I dropped by seven eleven, and bought hot chocolate, esp. after shawn (toh) mentioned it while we were online some time ago..i just love hot choc..makes me go WHEHEHEHEE, like tht hahahaha...and also got both of us SNICKERS yellow bars! *dear loves snickers lar* hehe.

I dont know what i did at work, but I slit my finger a tiny thin thin line, and it fuggging hurts la dey.... and also after dinner at dear's, i got an outbreak of rashes on both my arms..FARk...It's better now, though. *phew*

I seem so lost without dear these days..what's happening to me...and yet some days like tonite, I wonder whether he needs more time to himsfel, as usual..im always thinking tht thought, (when i know he wants me ard)...I dunnoe whether this stems from loneliness, since my best friends are BOTH not by my side anymore...and tht things at home, save for kor who still loves me no matter how and what, is not too good. This same neeed for dear's being ard me, is like tht same feeling I felt when I was back at Harri's, and I was all alone. Weird. Ya. It's like I'm living by myself again. ...Prob cause i caused it, hell I don't know.

But whatever happens, I honestly believe i have a dear who realli loves me alot. He cares so much, I am in disbelief..tht someone can love me like this...it's just tht sometimes he doesn't always show it. And tht isn't a bad thing la, coz if he overdoes it, quite the scary also lar , rite...hahaha

I think i feel alot better abt my sense of loss over losing Rene. Coz after randomly flipping thru the CLEO mag today, there was an article on " HOW TO DEAL WITH GRIEF". It had a few sections; namely,(1) how to deal with loss of a loved one, a boy or girlfriend, thru breakups, accidents or deaths. The another section was on (2) how to deal with loss of a friend, esp those who had significant places in our hearts. Thst why i keep saying there's a difference and never wanted any of you to misunderstand. The article helped greatly, cause now I don't feel ashamed for feeling so down after losing this best friend. I thought it was wrong, esp. coz Ren is a boy, and we had shared a "love" of best friends. The article stated, it's harder to let go, esp. when u donnoe what u did wrong, and tht this friend tht u had poured yr heart out to, has now suddenly exited yr life. Do what u can to salvage it, BUT, if it is realli a lost cause, forget it. We only hope in time, they'll come round. ---> Ren, for the final last time, I'm sorry, I'm very sad, and I love you, my best friend. -u know exactly what i feel-
Melisa, too, I tot I could still hang ard with her. I tot I could still tok with her, and share stuff together, but after a few weeks of trying to ask her out, and u guys know how hard it is for me to get out, I have kinda given up. She remains my best friend, like Rene, and I will always be there for them..but i also know some point in life, yr best friend will drift from u, and like bf's and gf's...we all need our own space. She is discovering new kinds of pple and love..and I wish her all the best..and as long as she is safe, im happy for her. But i miss her alot, if onli she knew. But she onli has yunwen now...everyday, nite and sec is yunwen...But i understand her, so to a certain extent, I dont blame her. Like the days it wa Harri and I, all the time...I miss those fun days with Harri. We were hanging out like every nite...

I am , really quite a loser, sometimes, I have to admit. Like dad said, if every job I cant do well in, and every other friend, I have problems with, there must be something wrong w ith me. But, I've learnt. I get myself into these things, these hurts, I dealw ith them, BESIDES, my life has always been a DRAMA hasn't it? heh. r..ite. I am really selfish, maybe.

been mood-less for anything lately. Wana practise for my jam session, but just so "steamless" and I hate this fucked up feeling. Tonite, when dear was practising, I wish so much he would hug me for the longest time, coz it's just so hard having any time with him. But I knew he too, prob felt a bit tight on time, since he had to go back in tonite as well. Haiz....

Another thing I SHLD be worried abt, yet it doesn't seem so impt to me. MOE. I dont know if my eyesight will be approved to teach. OH SHIT. Actually, yes, with my curent situation, i SHOULD BE WORRIED. fuck. Haven't even arranged to see dr tseng yet ....sheeeeet.

I've deleted yr numbers, deletd yr account, deleted every possible thing, but im not sure, whether i wish the memories can be deleted like with the press of a computer key. I find myself crying over u right now...

I dont know which im sadder over. dad and mum asking me to leave again, possibility of not getting into MOE, having little money for the next few months, or you...the hurt, seems to be stemming from you.

I wish ure with me now, dear.......yet I dont know how to explain this to you...