It's too late in the night to regurgitate four days worth of diary entries that I wrote in my notebook. I just want to say that I had a great weekend thanks to Harri and her family, which includes Simon of coz, and choir, and I'd like to highlight that Harri and her mum really showed love and care and cooked for me and all, and that I'm deeply touched. Cassandra really helped me out during choir, and i needed that alot.
Other than those highlights, i'll save you from the depressive stuff, because i have been feeling most terrible. First supposed day at work and I had high fever. I had no choice but to go back to rest and I ended up sleeping the entire day, afterwhich I still felt twerrible. Patbought dinner (thanks pat), and I had taken one day and one night of panadol thus far. I couldnt hold back all the bottled up feelings and I cried before he got home. If I don't let it out this way, i can't find any other way to do so. I believe that I'm suffering from depression again, becasuse no amount of temporary happiness keeps me happy. My head is constantly somewhere else, swimming in thoughts and memories of jw that I cant get rid off. The pain is still very fresh and much too obvious to try to brush aside. I don't blame my friends for wanting to be away from me, becoz i cant even tolerate myself anymore. I'm sorry for putting u all thru this. But I hope you understand too. Besides him, im so tired, all this job changing, this job has so much to learn and i have to pick it all up in the next four days, Im overwhelmed and it scares me. Im tired...of everything, I really wish again for the darnest time I have a good holiday , a good break. All this suporting myself, all this tryignto ehal from the heart break, trying and kinda pushing myself to do my gig, coz these sorta opportuinities dont come knocking everyday, but havint the lack of motivation to do it, becoz my heart is so empty now...i only wana do it becoz it's always been a dream...but when he left, he really took everything away. I left with him, almost entirely. ALways sick, and always trying to fidn things to make me happy.
But maybe this new job will occupy me completely, and i will get busy again this week onards with choir events coming up, cantoring, retreat...hopefully it'll ease the pain..and hopefully, i'll be able to focus, if not, it's equally bad.
I knew i shudnt have sent tht sms. But i was crying and I really needed to talk or hear from someone. I have been feeling most weird now tht i do not have tht physcial comfort anymore. When im down, or tired...i can no longer go to him, and hug him, cry in his arms, and immediately feel that no matter how bad it is, theres someone there. And no one's embrace feels the same anymore. When he was ard, waking up in the morning was alot easier, gg to work was alot easier, i always had him to look forward to...tht day the bus passed suntec, and i saw us back then running round the fountain and picnicing there. When we were at earshot cafe, I realised he was there in the afternoon. When we were on the way back to Harri's, i realised I cudnt go to blujaz tht nite coz he was there. When we sat on 36, i remembered the ge-zillion times he sat next to me on tht same bus, and same bus ride. When Harri and Simon were home with me, they were so loving and they always connect on all levels, which is smth jw and i never had..I was happy for them, but honestly wondered what went wrong with us...
I miss tht love very much.
And on the 28th Sunday, Weijin and Angel celebrated their 3 1/2 yrs anniversary! Congrats !!! : ) And Weiyi and Stef celebrated their 10th Mth anniversary! Wow..siblings have the same anniv dates with their gfs...
"So..here I am...sad and free...I cant cry..and I cant see... what went wrong..Oh god, what have i done?"
ok i shud get gg, hopefully the nitemares dont come, hopefully i can sleep, hopefully the fever will go off tmr...
ure no longer ard, for me to share all the happy things..so whats the point in anything anymore?
Yeah sure i have new friends, or accquaintances, sure I have a new job, a gig coming up, a choir to go to, a brother, harri, but who will fill tht spot uve left?
P/S: cd list updated
Other than those highlights, i'll save you from the depressive stuff, because i have been feeling most terrible. First supposed day at work and I had high fever. I had no choice but to go back to rest and I ended up sleeping the entire day, afterwhich I still felt twerrible. Patbought dinner (thanks pat), and I had taken one day and one night of panadol thus far. I couldnt hold back all the bottled up feelings and I cried before he got home. If I don't let it out this way, i can't find any other way to do so. I believe that I'm suffering from depression again, becasuse no amount of temporary happiness keeps me happy. My head is constantly somewhere else, swimming in thoughts and memories of jw that I cant get rid off. The pain is still very fresh and much too obvious to try to brush aside. I don't blame my friends for wanting to be away from me, becoz i cant even tolerate myself anymore. I'm sorry for putting u all thru this. But I hope you understand too. Besides him, im so tired, all this job changing, this job has so much to learn and i have to pick it all up in the next four days, Im overwhelmed and it scares me. Im tired...of everything, I really wish again for the darnest time I have a good holiday , a good break. All this suporting myself, all this tryignto ehal from the heart break, trying and kinda pushing myself to do my gig, coz these sorta opportuinities dont come knocking everyday, but havint the lack of motivation to do it, becoz my heart is so empty now...i only wana do it becoz it's always been a dream...but when he left, he really took everything away. I left with him, almost entirely. ALways sick, and always trying to fidn things to make me happy.
But maybe this new job will occupy me completely, and i will get busy again this week onards with choir events coming up, cantoring, retreat...hopefully it'll ease the pain..and hopefully, i'll be able to focus, if not, it's equally bad.
I knew i shudnt have sent tht sms. But i was crying and I really needed to talk or hear from someone. I have been feeling most weird now tht i do not have tht physcial comfort anymore. When im down, or tired...i can no longer go to him, and hug him, cry in his arms, and immediately feel that no matter how bad it is, theres someone there. And no one's embrace feels the same anymore. When he was ard, waking up in the morning was alot easier, gg to work was alot easier, i always had him to look forward to...tht day the bus passed suntec, and i saw us back then running round the fountain and picnicing there. When we were at earshot cafe, I realised he was there in the afternoon. When we were on the way back to Harri's, i realised I cudnt go to blujaz tht nite coz he was there. When we sat on 36, i remembered the ge-zillion times he sat next to me on tht same bus, and same bus ride. When Harri and Simon were home with me, they were so loving and they always connect on all levels, which is smth jw and i never had..I was happy for them, but honestly wondered what went wrong with us...
I miss tht love very much.
And on the 28th Sunday, Weijin and Angel celebrated their 3 1/2 yrs anniversary! Congrats !!! : ) And Weiyi and Stef celebrated their 10th Mth anniversary! Wow..siblings have the same anniv dates with their gfs...
"So..here I am...sad and free...I cant cry..and I cant see... what went wrong..Oh god, what have i done?"
ok i shud get gg, hopefully the nitemares dont come, hopefully i can sleep, hopefully the fever will go off tmr...
ure no longer ard, for me to share all the happy things..so whats the point in anything anymore?
Yeah sure i have new friends, or accquaintances, sure I have a new job, a gig coming up, a choir to go to, a brother, harri, but who will fill tht spot uve left?
P/S: cd list updated
posted by melissa at 5/30/2006 03:40:00 AM
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