Today was the longest, most agonising ten point five hours of work ever. The slowest of crowds on a sunday, and ironically my boss slots five staff to work today. I was really redundant there. My level for patience has gona up a notch in this job. hahaa
I had a bad night again. Nightmares about my parents and about him.
But it was a must to go work tody, even though my heart and mind were definitely not at work. I was thinking of choir and church and how annoying it was tht I couldn't be there. But it did feel better that this would be the last weekend I would be working.
The second half of the day, my head started to clear up. It made me feel a bit better definitely. Every day I am just thinking of him, and the memories always flash across my eyes like as if it's on a consatnt movie reel. Even eatin cheese reminds me of him and how he loved cheese too,and it just happens, the reminder of him just comes like tht. how he used to put cheese into my sandwhiches coz I love cheese. BUT I started to remember a conversation I had with Charles at peace centre two weeks after he came out of BMT...that day my head was the clearest and thus i remember pretty much everything that he said to me as well. I used that today, and kept drilling it into my head, so that I can get out of this wrutt once again. It seemed to work somewhat. Coz i feel now that I'm tired; sick and tired of being angry, of being hurt. Enough is enough. I gave him my life, I entrusted him my heart, and he threw it away. he threw it into the big fat longkang of broken hearts twice and more than that. Cold hearted and very insensitive for the sensitive guy he's always supposed to be. A liar, saying he's not coming out of this , for another girl, or to look at other girls, or to get into another relationship. Fickle, so much more fickle than a girl. He falls for every girl. So deceiving is his simple look and quiet nature. I'm very numb now. Just very sad about the whole thing.
Yet, I think anger shouldnt take up the whole thing,coz if I didnt know him, I wouldnt have known every one else that I knew thru him, and it was really alot of people, esp the musicians. I wud be nowhere in this music circle if not for him.
But still the thoughts tht continued to spin in my head today. So many whys and so many what ifs..and so many how cuds..and etc etc...I realise tht when Im out, i keep looking out for him, and the want to see him is so much tht I end up visualising tht people are him for a spilt second. i dont know why I do tht even. When hes in my sight or going to be, i get cold hands and pulpitating heart beats in an anxois way,a nd dont wish to see him at all. I think it cud be too much pain maybe. I still remember tht blank stare we exchanged at the garden tht nite.
But Im so done with all this fucked up crap. I have three more working days at gramophone, and once im doenw ith this three days, so will my longing for him. I will close this chapter on thurs, returning the rest of his stuff before tht, and starting a brand new notebook. The job is the last thing I will strike off from my memory lsit of him. I have to do this, coz already there are too many things I miss and remember of him. I could write a " i mis.....about u..." list og a thousand lines im sure.
Pat came to my shop for thr fourth time today!!!! wow. Coz he was headed to barnone to watch futon. But I was much too tired tonite, so here I am back home already. I got to know his colleagues who came along too.
I had a bad night again. Nightmares about my parents and about him.
But it was a must to go work tody, even though my heart and mind were definitely not at work. I was thinking of choir and church and how annoying it was tht I couldn't be there. But it did feel better that this would be the last weekend I would be working.
The second half of the day, my head started to clear up. It made me feel a bit better definitely. Every day I am just thinking of him, and the memories always flash across my eyes like as if it's on a consatnt movie reel. Even eatin cheese reminds me of him and how he loved cheese too,and it just happens, the reminder of him just comes like tht. how he used to put cheese into my sandwhiches coz I love cheese. BUT I started to remember a conversation I had with Charles at peace centre two weeks after he came out of BMT...that day my head was the clearest and thus i remember pretty much everything that he said to me as well. I used that today, and kept drilling it into my head, so that I can get out of this wrutt once again. It seemed to work somewhat. Coz i feel now that I'm tired; sick and tired of being angry, of being hurt. Enough is enough. I gave him my life, I entrusted him my heart, and he threw it away. he threw it into the big fat longkang of broken hearts twice and more than that. Cold hearted and very insensitive for the sensitive guy he's always supposed to be. A liar, saying he's not coming out of this , for another girl, or to look at other girls, or to get into another relationship. Fickle, so much more fickle than a girl. He falls for every girl. So deceiving is his simple look and quiet nature. I'm very numb now. Just very sad about the whole thing.
Yet, I think anger shouldnt take up the whole thing,coz if I didnt know him, I wouldnt have known every one else that I knew thru him, and it was really alot of people, esp the musicians. I wud be nowhere in this music circle if not for him.
But still the thoughts tht continued to spin in my head today. So many whys and so many what ifs..and so many how cuds..and etc etc...I realise tht when Im out, i keep looking out for him, and the want to see him is so much tht I end up visualising tht people are him for a spilt second. i dont know why I do tht even. When hes in my sight or going to be, i get cold hands and pulpitating heart beats in an anxois way,a nd dont wish to see him at all. I think it cud be too much pain maybe. I still remember tht blank stare we exchanged at the garden tht nite.
But Im so done with all this fucked up crap. I have three more working days at gramophone, and once im doenw ith this three days, so will my longing for him. I will close this chapter on thurs, returning the rest of his stuff before tht, and starting a brand new notebook. The job is the last thing I will strike off from my memory lsit of him. I have to do this, coz already there are too many things I miss and remember of him. I could write a " i mis.....about u..." list og a thousand lines im sure.
Pat came to my shop for thr fourth time today!!!! wow. Coz he was headed to barnone to watch futon. But I was much too tired tonite, so here I am back home already. I got to know his colleagues who came along too.
posted by melissa at 5/22/2006 12:25:00 AM
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