...in her head again.......

-12.30am on monday- (and already feeling the monday blues)

Just got back from church.

(1)
Ive been feeling quite blue since I left the house today. Very pre-occupied by thoughts and things abt the conversation i had before i left... i think i underestimated how much it wud affect me today. I eally wasnt concentrating on singing or mass or anything much at all during church.
Dinner was with my usual lovely gang whom i heart to bits... their quiet company was good enuff for me. I hope they didnt mind my silence as the night went on and i started to get weary from all tht thinking.

(2)
I wasnt just thinking abt the conversation, but i was also thinking abt him. different issue altogether. And for a while now, Ive resisted the urge to start a bk, or to write down my feelings when i cant say ceetain things to him or when I cant write it on this blog, coz its just meant to be kept between me and myself and him if i were ever to say it out. So I started writing tonight. At least I dont have to say it here, and once I feel it, I can pen it out and "throw" it out of my system.
Sometimes I forget tht I shudnt try or hope. Sometimes I forget tht I shud continue to try or hope.

(3)
After several occasions of falling out with friends; which started somehwre mid last yr I think, Ive grown very nonchalant and numb towards anything similar anymore. I also have understood the meaning of not trying to bother so much abt friends or rather not trying so hard, coz those who love u will stay.
Ive lost too many, gotten back a few, lost some again, and made new ones. Ive accepted tht at any time, anybody can just turn on you and walk away. And to me, thts fine already.
Nick told me tht day, tht it seems I always have probs with someone, at any one time. Maybe it is a problem I have. Maybe it;s just my luck. But whatever it is, I don't really care anymore.
Joyce-I still love you. But I dot understand u anymore and Im tired of not just whatever tht took place so much, but off these sort of things.
Nick godbro- Welcome back to choir. It's great to see you again with us. Maybe U just didnt love this godsister as much as she hoped, but I hope one day you'll learn forgiveness towards people u love, esp when its the hardest thing to do. But yet I understand tht sometimes even when u forgive, u dot wish to go back to it anymore. And i wud have to respect tht. But im sick and tired of it too, becoz ive tried to make it up to u already. Luf u bro.

But sometimes it's funny. Soemtimes it may appear we dont tok to people, when actually we're fighting within ourselves.

(4)
Tonight has been a bad night. Im not only troubled, I realised Im financially in the deepest red now. Im not smiling tonite. its bad.

Life is just like tht. One day u feel ure the happiest person; the most care free person ard, the next day U feel the lowest, and the most solemn.I was the first last night, after my gig, and the top of the world really feels good. The lowest is all too familiar a feeling. I have to just lift it up to God.

(5)
Tonight, da-jie asked me whether Im having a big celebration for my birthday. I looked at her, and tried to hide the sadness tht was coming thru my eyes. "No" i replied. Then she asked me tht inevitable question... which (pls dont worrie) i didnt take any offence to. Its perfectly olrite coming from her... but yea.. this yr, or rather in aug, i turn 21. and im a little confused. Ive always wanted to be 21. Ive waited yrs for this yr. But now, i dont really want to be 21. Its like YAY its finally here, but so what. Ive no one to celebrate with. Im not exactly in the mood to, and though a nice cosy affair with people who meant alot wud be nice, but whats thwe significance when im nothing. Im only smth in terms of music. Im getting somewhere... and Im looking forward to doing even better for the next two gigs. I can, and I will do well.
What does celebrating this birthday represent and signify and all? Ya, sure I get the so called "key", i can go watch RA and I can go club which i never do. Sure, Im legal now to fuck my life up. I shud be earning healthily and perhaps have a card by now...urgh Im sorry. Im really tired tonight.
That para above was nonse spewing out of my mouth, and of course i wudnt fuck my life up. But, I wana be happy my birthday is coming, but Im not. I dont want to hold tht expectation, and hope tht smth wonderful will happen, or tht i will be remembered and feel special..coz i'll only get hurt. And my birthday only reminds me more, tht we wud have been tog one yr 8 mths.. and tht at 530am 21 yrs ago, i was born...i dont want to.

I need to go now. Nite.