...in her head again.......

Friday Nov 10 2006

Spent the day alone.

My aim to wake up early and set out to do everything wasnt exactly successful.
I cudnt sleep last night. It was impossible. In fact I kinda hate sleep now, sort of, coz I begin to worry too much when I sleep. So I stayed up till 8am, after trying to sleep for an hr or so, watching princess hours up to episode 6. Thanks Gerri for yr email some time ago; never tot I'd actually watch the series. hah.
The lead actor, OMG, reminds me of someone i really dont wish to remember anymore. Why why does he HAVE to look and behave so much like him?! Why? Argh. Haha jus, I didnt think we’d have smth in common with this series even! I remember u told me that the lead actor reminded u of him too. Damn, from novels to movies, we have yet something else in common HAHAHA.

Anyway, I was hoping I cud stay up past 8am, and then not have to wake up at 9am, which was my planned waking time. But I cudnt tahan, and ended up sleeping till 3pm.
These were the things I planned to do today (and those cancelled were what I did do):

- Go to Shangri-la Hotel for a walk in interview
- Got to Moon Rover Cafe to apply for job
- Go to Westin to apply for banquet job
- Go to Raffles Hotel to apply for banquet job
- Go to Marina Square to repair my damn player
- Pass him his mopiko
- Go to Blujaz to watch Matrix and chill
- Buy Newspapers
- Check how bankrupt I am.
- Go to werners oven to apply for job.

So there, not bad for someone who woke at 3 and rushed out at 345pm.


This time of my life is really surreal. Im at my poorest, my most helpless, and the weirdest. Im living with a different time frame compared to everyone else for now.
And I feel like I cant really trust anyone anymore. Something inside is telling me even the closest cant be trusted totally., or relied on.

Today, I started understanding even more wad its like to go for what u really want.
I told Harri yesterday that if she really wanted smth, she had to pursue it, fight for it.
Today, the way I went abt finding ways and means to make sure I got a place at the hotels for the banquet jobs.. really… was an extra mile. If I had given up, I wudnt have gotten my name down at either hotel.

I realized also that im giving up time for jobs, for my upcoming gig at esplanade. I hope it’ll be worthwile and that it’ll turn out good. Im not batting an eyelid. I will do it , no matter the cost. It is proving to be difficult though, with the kinds of work im gd at. Its not smth I don’t already know.

This is the worst time of the yr to be getting a job. It’s the Christmas season. Argh. Really. The timing is very bad.

The Raffles Hotel HR fella was one weirdo. But the Banquet office girl at Westin was a lot nicer. In fact shes so real. She said to me “ But this concerns yr career u noe… “ and I said “ Yes but… im stuck between my calling for music for church, my dreams and my needs.” And really, no one really understand how stressed I am abt this. It is a very huge dilemma. I aint giving up any of them/

So far, Ive sent in resumes or applications to singtel, jermaine’s marketing sales job, westin, raffles, moon river café, and before tht the stupid liquid kitchen, Vietnamese restaurant and secret recipe. So see how loh. Before that, I have sent to some others cant remember now. At least no more stupid liquid kitchen ***.

The banquet office girl at westin said to me “ ure too used to operations work liao.. ure not suited for office.” Hahaha how true…

I think this xmas is gonna suck. Really.
I was walking ard, and I was being tortured looking at all the lovely clothes, things in the shops etc etc, and the miserable feeling tht I can only look. Sighs. And the xmas trees all around town, making me feel worse. I usually start soaking in the xmas season atmosphere when the décor in town starts to come up. This yr I hate it very much. I hate it a lot. It reminds me of our first xmas with harri in orchard as well.

The rain today didn’t have the effect it usually has on me. I didn’t feel nice. It only made me drenched. Well, maybe it helped to so call COOL me down. And coz of my own late waking, I rushed out and forgot to bring my brolly, forgot to eat properly, and forgot to bring out the stuff for Joik.

HAHAHAHA. Why,. Wud. ANYONE.like ME? Who am I kidding man. HAHAHA.
I hate the way I look. I hate the way I dress. I hate the way I am.
Fashion and shopping are the evil. Haha

Lets put it this way: the woes of women are such that we have to look good, feel good, and it helps self confidence. This is true. I don’t exaggerate. And it is just a part of us to want to look good, and hence feel good. Guys don’t have to worry abt tht. Clothes have tons of different designs, colours, styles… and , just looking ard today, made me feel really pathetic. Girls are unfortunate to have to accessorise, though it is a choice.

Guys, DON’T PRETEND for one minute, that yr first impression of a girl isn’t that she looks good, she dresses well, and shes preddddiii. A girl feels good, not just by how she feels abt her self, but sometimes when u guys say “ wow she carries herself so well. She looks so confident.” Have u noticed, tht she probably spent extra time ironing tht dress, or blowing her hair, or putting on all that make-up, or matching her clothes for an hr with her shoes and watch and everything ELSE so tht she can be confident abt how good she looks?!?!?!?!?!?

Don’t lie. So easy for guys to go Aiya just wear a shirt and jeans and walk out la. Or aiya I just wear this all the time no diff.



How. did my life. get this bad?
Im bankrupt now.

I went to 6 atms, and how annoying it was that only ONE out of the six cud draw 20 dollars. And this time its nt like I cud draw 50 anyway.

Can I wish for the impossible now PLEASE? Its depressing.


My BEAUTIFUL mp3 player HAD TO BE REFORMATTED
FARRRRRRK. They said either that, or send back to the factory to check if its still under warranty and then repair it. WHICH WUD COST ME 139 OR 199 if it isn’t under warranty. Either way I didn’t want my player to be sent.

So there goes. And YES THE MIC IS SPOILT. ……………………………………..


So, the whole days ordeals were over. I had eaten bread, two packets of panda biscuits, one chicken fold over and had fries at blujaz. So CARBOOOO---EEEY don’t u think!?!
Screw the farking diet. I ate chocolates last nite and tonite too. So So edgy. But im still trying to be careful of what I eat.

My chest injuries are gone. I shud get back to exercising.

Im 56 kg, at 161, or 162 somewhere ard there. Why ?? I wana be 46.. tht wud be nice.


Oh.. Aileen is acting all weird on me now. Just coz I asked her again whether I cud work. She didn’t even reply my msg. That wud have solved all the awkwardness. Tonite she gave me my 5 dollar bill even before I cud ask. And this was like even before I’d started eating my fries. This is NOT THE POLICY THERE. I was really quite ticked off. And Oh JAMES IS STILL AROUND…. But part time.. apparently he isn’t leaving yet.
Oh she has new comers, she doesn’t need me anymore. That is fine u noe, but at least don’t show so obviously tht ure avoiding me?? Like the way she was avoiding kalai tht week. ARGH. She really SIAMED me today.

Nevertheless, the music was awesome. Matrix is really good. They are all working professionals, yet they play so well, as if they practice all day long. Jazz piano, saxophone, drums, bass. All of them really all of them are REALLY REALLY REALLY GOOD.

The music helped cheer me up a bit at least.



Its been a very rough day. Im sorry.