I'm 20 years too late. There's no time for me to catch on. Things are speeding up too fast, I'm not ready to catch on.
Today was one of the worst days ive felt, and had . Some days are emoionally torturing. Some days are utterly boring, but today, was a busy but absolutely unbearable day.
Things went really wrong at work today. I regret it now, but at that point in time, I was so upset, hurt, humiliated, looked down upon, pissed, accused, that I couldn't have the tolerance to hold it all back. Esp when it came from a senior colleague whom ive never liked, and she's always had smething against me. I wonder what's gonna happen from now. I cannot forget it. It was a long day at work, and a most disappointing, tragic end to the work shift. It made me feel like dirt. I had no capacity to apologise directly, because I was so insulted. On a sat at tht. I keep thinking to myself, how am I going to be a teacher, when i cant even handle this sorta job, with one such person among all my colleagues? They are right, I'm so blurr, so slow, so incompetent, how am i ever going to teach kids, and face parents?? Dad's company has such a idiot, and every company has. What's gonna happen to me? Dad and mum scold me for not doing work properly, to the way they want it, and always half way. Today, I get a scolding for tht at work. I've learnt. I've also gladly remembered tht cartel has a hell lot of politics too.

Dear couldn't come out today, and I had an awful feeling abt it already. I never feel comfortable when i cant see him on sats, esp when Im working such an early morning shifts. I was very uneasy abt the jam tonite, and true enuff, my sixth sense seemed to have kicked in well. ALL THAT PRACTISE for nothing. I hoped so much, tht it would be a great jam, in a good studio, with our plans carried out ...but it was such a free jam, that the keyboardist didnt turn up, emma and calvin, had three other friends with us, and it was very obvious that they enjoyed much more the genre of rock and roll. Where did i stand , then? I felt out of place, almost immediately into the jam session. Smoke breaks came shortly, and I just couldn't take it. I felt so utterly un-needed, if I could create such a word. The mics there were fucked, and the one song I sang was off pitch so much, I think emma purposely ended the song early, though she said she didnt noe. Where do I put my face? I took a freaking cab down, coz I was darn tired and upset after work. Onli to leave onr odd hr later. I wasnt needed there. They were having so much fun. But of coz, they do play well.They play very well, a vocalist isnt needed to improve thier jam sessions, seriously, with all due respect. They groove and gell so smoothly to the beats of the drummer.

DISAPPPOINTMENT. I made my way home. i couldnt have caught Harry Potter with Shawn and company tonite. I didnt get to. Harri was in Orchard as well, but I? Today was a really painful one for me. This day has brought about many thoughts and bottled up anger and frustrations, of how irritated I am, that I have lost close friends recently, and no one really is around for me much now. Even nick didnt wana listen to everything I had to say. Wrestling more impt. =( I'm just so ..messed up these days. There's no better word for it. I'm confused as well. Harri, has gotten used to the fact tht I can't go out with her much anymore..and thus we have, drifted, no matter how much we try to keep in contact. i can't meet up with her much at all now. Rene has left me for good, and these were the two buddies who kept me busy online for months and months...we were close buddies..who hung out alot. Where were they, now, and today? *harri, btw, this is generalising, for the part abt u...*. Weiyi is now property of laopo, and he's completely lost the zest of yacking with me, esp since he enlisted. Literally, all my buddies...gone. THEN. These few start contacing me these days, with the exception of christine, coz of our NIE thing. She has asked me to go with her on MON to SGH for her checkup, but the thing is, IM NOT blaming dear...but I MYSELF barely have time for him, he's no matter what, more impt than the rest. So mon he's free, he ranks ONE. BUT.... my POINT IS. Im irriated, coz...week after week, due to his really unpredictable schedule, and i want of coz, definitely, to spend time with him, i have to always lie abt my work shifts...add a nite or so, so tht i can have SOME barely decent time with him in the entire week. LIKE THIS WEEK. if i didnt lie, I wont get to see him at all. But i got to see him five hrs on thurs, and for a bit tmr. I'm SO TIRED. So, i feel bad towards christine, the gurl who lately shows care every nite, consoles me thru msn, and is there for me. then SHAWN. Shawn asked to meet up tonite, I couldn't and the fucked up jam totally pissed my heart off k. And he asked how abt tmr? But I wana spend time with dear....so I hope this week, they'll be a nite I could possibly have dinner with him, if he's not in camp (shawn). And, ...PAT has been into me lately..this is a little hard to take..with shawn calling more now, being there for me, online or phone, and pat, calling me every nite, becoming friends with me, and doing sweet things liek buying me breakfast this morning. He even remembered what i told him to get . GOSH. I know he likes me, the calls have been obvious. But we did make it clear, friends ...thts the best. I just dont weana hurt him, coz he's a nice person. Likewise I dont wana hurt shawn, becoz he's my ex. And tonight, I received calls from both of them...and their consoling helped heaps.

Dear kept msgsing..and I missed him loads...today, esp, when tht woman and i fought at work and i broke down, I needed him so bad. God is testing me lately, with shawn back in my life, pat coming into my life, dear still by my side, and these kinda things happening on a day tht i cant be with him. It tests me, coz I know who it is, I really want by my side...but these calls, are kinda distracting...it makes me think things...

SO. This week, how difficult it is to spend some time with dear. I feel bad abt shawn asking a few times already, abt rejecting christine's request, and then there's this yearning for time out with harri. My quest to patch with ren has died off, or surrendered already. But with memories constantly nagging me, and these new additions, my mind is going a bit haywire.
THIS WEEK. Wed, dear asked me to go far east with him. I WISH I COULD HAVE. But i had to stay home, coz I didnt wana make them unhappy. Esp after mon nite's conference. Things at home are ayy messy for me. So mon, i had to be home early. Tues, i had work, dear was free. Wed, he was free, i had to stay home. Thurs, we had SOME time coz i bluffed. Fri, Pat asked mi out for dinner at bedok, to go shan shan xing...walk walk...and I WISH AS HELL i could have gone, just to take my mind off things, but cannot. TODAY?/ He is out now, and I cant be with him. TMR church early..how?? And at nite, he wants to go free jams...how i wish i can go with him..and then be with him thru the nite. We REALLI dont have much time, not even A DAY with each other these days....

OK. Today's anger aside This week's schedule frustrations aside. What happens when u have distractions? Is it wrong to be distracted? Is it a guilt i shld feel, or is it normal? They say when ure with one u truly love, u dont think of anyone else. And up till now, dear is still my choice, coz we've been thru so much, and i love him..for the specialness of himself, and us. But others start showing care...and it starts to urk...u donnoe how to say no...as in hurt them by not caring back...and then u remember old distractions...

Choices in life. Shawn gave a gd example. Like what happened to me at work today. It was my choice at tht time, to have made a scene in the end. Now I may regret it, and though it may not have ben a gd choice, it was still a choice. In life, it is such. U have to make choices, whether ure ready or not to make them. And we have to live with them, and just make the best out of them. We have to know why we made those choices, and remember and stick by them. I was discussing this matter with shawn, and he too, was saying, there's no definite right or wrongs in life, and this has been my stand on things as well, coz everyone seems things differently, EXCEPT tht onli at work, everything becomes ARMYish. but in our personal lives, to say it is immoral to feel distractions for eg, may not also be wrong, if let's say a person is with somoene, tht is THE ONE for tht person, then they will last. But what if they break off, and they end up with other people tht are RIGHT for them? Then it isnt a wrong choice. Some wrong choices are made, so tht right choices will be made later, or some right choices are made, but what seems right, ends up being wrong...

I hate choices, and Ive learnt over the yrs, esp recent yrs, tht some choices need ages to decide. But think abt this, even making a choice of not making a definite choice then, is ALSO still a choice u made. If u delay a decision, tht delay affects other decisions. It's realli up to you, whether u can live by yr decision made. Alot of things are realli up to us to decide. Coz, as selfish as this may sound, it is true tht, in d end, u ans for yrself and yrself alone. I'm very confused. I'm very upset by today, and I honestly dunnoe what my future, even near future is gonna be like. Im very worried. Hah, thinking too much and being unhappy or happy is also a decision and a choice. But sometimes, emotions make us do these things and I for one, cant control them. SO much for me always saying im big. I am, but some things im still just too young, to comprehend fully. i wish i could, though.

- im pissed with today, totally. Nothing went right.
-Im upset with my loss of friends, whatever reason it is.
-im sick and tired of not having enuff time, for myself, dear, dont mention for my few friends. it is a chore just tryingt o arrange to meet.
-I dont know if i am going to succeed, the way im going. I dont know whats wrong with me, but the way im handling things now, certainly isnt all tht good.
-each to his own. seriously. other than work, everything in this world, can be fucked ard with, and twisted. No one person is totally rigt or wrong. No one person's outlook is KING.

-I'm NOT just complainng abt all this becoz Im SOO SOO SOO UPSET TODAY. I just wish cetain decision i can make up my mind and know whether it is the right choice.
-AND, I dont know how im gonna face the even more realistic working world UNDER MOE mind you, if I cant even go thru something like today's ordeal. Becoz I know, I will shoot, as long as im unhappy. Im not from army, i dunnoe whot o do this...HOW.