...in her head again.......

-A Day with Joyce and Yin Ka-

After I'be been through so much, felt so much, experienced so much, nothing seems to surprise me anymore. If anything,I've grown to be so much more appreciative of people around me. I've grown to appreciate the things I have. I'm not perfect and sometimes I feel like I have no choice but to depend on others so much because of my weakness of loneliness and fragility, that I end up appearing that I take advantage of them being there for me. Sometimes I feel bad, that maybe because of my needs, I unwittingly seem like I do. Maybe, maybe not. I'm not too sure,

I'm glad though, that I made a new friend yerterday. She is Yin Ka. She is Joyce's roommate in Tasmania, and she's from Hong Kong. I've read and heard so much about her from Joycie. I felt really happy to get to know her for real yesterday. She transitted here for about two days. She arrived in SG on sat night, and left this evening at 7pm. She and Joyce will be back in Tassie in three weeks time, and I really hate saying goodbye to her for the next half a yr. I wish Joyce studied in SG. When she's back here, I realise how much i miss her being around. She brings so much love and joy into my life. Often helps me forget and smile. She always carries a smile even if she's down and out. I love her alot. But like good things, you treausre more so, when you don't always have them or it on a regular or daily basis. No, i'm not making her sound like a good bk, or toy or magazine or show or whatever.

I knew Yin ka when she followed Joyce to church yesterday. I met them again this morning and spent the afternoon together before we sent her off at the airport. I like Yin Ka. She's real and nice. We kept talking in Hon g Kong accents today. Quite funny.

Daryl joined us at the airport.

I left Daryl and Joyce and went home. As they got off the bus 24, I felt an emptiness. Once again, alone. Everyone who is back here, meliza, eld, whoever, all have their own lives and loves to pursue. So do I, you say. But I hate this continuously aching ache in me. It just won't go off. It comes back the minute i'm alone. I kept thinking about what I was gonna do when i got home. Then I remembered I had some work to do for retreat and some more applications to apply for.

Kenn intro-ed me to Jinsheng online, and Jinsheng runs a tuition agency with his friend. I'm on their list now, so see how. Thanks Kenn.

Knwoing Kenn and Fadly recently has been a blessing as well. For that, I thank you Lord.

I've been (1) eating way too much. (2) Spending way too much. (3) wanting to buy things WAYYYYYYYYY too much.
(1) I eat and after two hours im hungry again. It's been liek this recently and I'm damn scared to put on weight.
(2) Been spending too much or rather coz of no income, money's been depleting. Now I'm really holding back.
(3) What's wrong with me? Everytime I go out shopping, this URGE NEED SENSATION whatever you call it, has become so uncontrollable, the desire to buy keeps getting stronger. And it's not like specific things. I shop and see hats, cute t-shirts, skirts, betls, accesorries, u name it.. mugs, shades, bags, cute decorative stuff for like rooms.. tht sorta thing. just SLAP ME.

When i met Eld and Adnrea, they sugguested I join radio. Today, Daryl sugguested it again. I know I've always wanted to for the longest time, but I kept putting aside this thought, co to me, it's mcm related ad sound-engine related and I suck at both. it's not tht stable, and I don't know if i am even tht sort of quality. Haiz, but think i'll just check out their website. No harm rite. I missed like all of their radio courses... : ( I should have gone for.

I need income. Badly. Very badly.

Joyce and I may just head to bangkok end of the yr. Or to Hong Kong to see Yin ka. I think tht would be lovely. I need a break so badly.

Having a crush is sweet. It makes u look forward to smth. It makes u blush again for no reason, and makes u hyper for no reason. But when you know it prob will get nowhere, and tht you're just trying to distract yourself,and when you're honestly afraid to start anything actually, it hits you, that you're simply running away and trying to throw away hurt feelings in your heart. It sucks. Do I still miss tht pathetic excuse of an ex bf? Yes I do. Do I hate him? A bit. Do I love him Yes, still. Do i cry over him? Inside my heart, still. Do I blame him? I don't know anymore.

There's something about airports I hate very much now.

"Lord, can you hear me now...Or am I lost?"

Jobs are not easy to find. Finding something suitable when you're somewhat aimless, can be disstressing.

I had fever last night. Don't know if I still do. But O don't really care, except that I will sleep earlier tonight.

I miss Weiyi. Everytime I call, he ignores. Everytime I sms he ignores. it has been this way for most of the yrs ive known him. It is a huge deal when he calls me. I don't know why it must be like tht.

I miss Harri. I wonder when we'd ever see each other again.

I miss Charles. Lizzy says he's not home yet. Wonder how he s now. Hope he's good over there. Hope they got their aussie citizenship. I hope we'll get to catch up when he's back. I miss his singing alot.

I miss alot of people I guess. I'm always missing the two of them.

And now I miss you.

Before coming back, i dropped off and walked into bedok south area, to find a shop that sold newspapers. I was quite happy to get today's paper at the ECON mini mart further in. it was the second last copy---it's good to know and acknowledge that I do have depression and it hasn't completely gone off yet. I say this so openly, only because it is nothing to be ashamed off and nothing to be afraid off. It's good tht I know it, coz whenever I feel terrible, I try to srug it off now. No doubt the pain inside is terrible, but when I try to not think off it, it helps somewhat. I felt like that as I walked back to my flat today. And I will be honest and tell u the urge to go find him, to call him, to write to him is huge, but I hold back, and resist. I hope this feeling will go off one day.

Hmm, I really hope to get more gigs. It gives me a high feeling and Im really happy doing such stuff. Only thing is my band prob can only start jamming end July.. but then again, I might still have to find other musicians. Need a committed band. I waan go gigging.