and she dreams again...
-Monday Blues, Blacks, Reds, Greens, Purples, and every other colour of the spectrum-
It's monday. It's been More than a week that i've left my previous job. YET AGAIN
I backtrack.
To Yesterday.
Sunday, my all favourite day, but I was feeling too ill to go for practise. I slept the whole day throughm and nearly decided to give mass a miss. But I just had to go. How could I miss mass. How could I miss the once a week chance of seeing my brother. Took a cab and got myself to church. The cold air blew in my face and I felt half awake during mass. I felt sad.
Prodigal son was sung again--of ALL SONGS. The tears flowed once again. I'm lost. I'm everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Each week's homily eats me up more and more. How long am I gonna last this nightmare? I would have loved to join the dudes and dudettes for dinner, but Auntie said she was cooking something nice. I made my way home--having much difficulty getting a cab back, and realising i forgot my EZ link card all at the same time. NVM. After much effort, i'm back, to realise I have no dinner. There was mis communication, I really don't blame anyone./ Law and Jeff were over, but I didn't even have the mood to have fun with them. Auntie cooked me some nice dry noodles with scrambled egg and mince meat, together with the soup she kept for me. That was nice.
I did nothing for the rest of the night, excpet talk to Freda on the phone, after being unable to find much solace from dear. I was just too upset. Just too much in me to spill or scream out. i am bursting. I'm suppose to be strong, but it's all coming down on me at the same time. I swear i have never had a harder few months than these. I know, this was all my doing. Who am I to blame but myself? But I am upset. I want out, and want back in, yet am so afraid of everything. I even hesitate to go for job interviews now, knowing that It's probably be a watse of my time again. The reluctance to wake up to the world everyday is getting stronger and stronger. Am i not suitable for a single job that will fit in with my usual schedules? Am I that lousy. I think so.
I feel ive become a burden to everyone, even dear. How much of my depressive complains can anyone take, not to mention dear. he is already being as strong as he can be for me. No one is me. No one can really understand the craziness that spins through my head these days. While I was in church, i feared even getting an office job. I remembered dad's boss, and the SHIT HOLE that he is. I don't want and am not ready to face such an adult world. The polotical one, that is. But what are the chances of getting a simple, yet not too simple, decent, un political job? It's almost zilch, nudda, none. And once I do get a job, will I be ready to face it responsibly? Maturely? Correctly and the best i can? I'm honestly not sure. What's after that then? Just work and more work and how about where I am to go? I have nowhere to go--except home. I don't want to pretend that i'm allowed to stay here for eternity. I'm sure i won't have to money to be elsewhere either. What am I to do. WHAT AM I TO DO. Please, lord, have mercry on me. DON'T Judge me with fairness, for i would probably end up in hell. Judge me with mercy and forgiveness. It's so quiet here these days.
I decided to sleep last night, as i had no mood to do anything whatsoever. I wish i had the time to spend with nick. Time at home. Tiome, at home. I really severely underestimated the stable feeling of home, of your own room, whereyou don't have to worry for a day, that you have no where to live. I feel like a begger. Begging for jobs, begging for places to stay, begging for love. Begging for some attention. I need a holiday. I need some rest. I can't take it anymore.
I woke this morning, and druggingly opened up the classified-again. Not much today. Called up one or two ads. Went for two interviews. The world outside is still keeping busy. The interviews were a little too much for me. But i'll still oblidge. Kill me, someone. Give me back my life. I feel like I'm partially dead already.
-I forgive you, I love you,
You are mine, take my hand,
go in peacer, sin no more, beloved one-
-Monday Blues, Blacks, Reds, Greens, Purples, and every other colour of the spectrum-
It's monday. It's been More than a week that i've left my previous job. YET AGAIN
I backtrack.
To Yesterday.
Sunday, my all favourite day, but I was feeling too ill to go for practise. I slept the whole day throughm and nearly decided to give mass a miss. But I just had to go. How could I miss mass. How could I miss the once a week chance of seeing my brother. Took a cab and got myself to church. The cold air blew in my face and I felt half awake during mass. I felt sad.
Prodigal son was sung again--of ALL SONGS. The tears flowed once again. I'm lost. I'm everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Each week's homily eats me up more and more. How long am I gonna last this nightmare? I would have loved to join the dudes and dudettes for dinner, but Auntie said she was cooking something nice. I made my way home--having much difficulty getting a cab back, and realising i forgot my EZ link card all at the same time. NVM. After much effort, i'm back, to realise I have no dinner. There was mis communication, I really don't blame anyone./ Law and Jeff were over, but I didn't even have the mood to have fun with them. Auntie cooked me some nice dry noodles with scrambled egg and mince meat, together with the soup she kept for me. That was nice.
I did nothing for the rest of the night, excpet talk to Freda on the phone, after being unable to find much solace from dear. I was just too upset. Just too much in me to spill or scream out. i am bursting. I'm suppose to be strong, but it's all coming down on me at the same time. I swear i have never had a harder few months than these. I know, this was all my doing. Who am I to blame but myself? But I am upset. I want out, and want back in, yet am so afraid of everything. I even hesitate to go for job interviews now, knowing that It's probably be a watse of my time again. The reluctance to wake up to the world everyday is getting stronger and stronger. Am i not suitable for a single job that will fit in with my usual schedules? Am I that lousy. I think so.
I feel ive become a burden to everyone, even dear. How much of my depressive complains can anyone take, not to mention dear. he is already being as strong as he can be for me. No one is me. No one can really understand the craziness that spins through my head these days. While I was in church, i feared even getting an office job. I remembered dad's boss, and the SHIT HOLE that he is. I don't want and am not ready to face such an adult world. The polotical one, that is. But what are the chances of getting a simple, yet not too simple, decent, un political job? It's almost zilch, nudda, none. And once I do get a job, will I be ready to face it responsibly? Maturely? Correctly and the best i can? I'm honestly not sure. What's after that then? Just work and more work and how about where I am to go? I have nowhere to go--except home. I don't want to pretend that i'm allowed to stay here for eternity. I'm sure i won't have to money to be elsewhere either. What am I to do. WHAT AM I TO DO. Please, lord, have mercry on me. DON'T Judge me with fairness, for i would probably end up in hell. Judge me with mercy and forgiveness. It's so quiet here these days.
I decided to sleep last night, as i had no mood to do anything whatsoever. I wish i had the time to spend with nick. Time at home. Tiome, at home. I really severely underestimated the stable feeling of home, of your own room, whereyou don't have to worry for a day, that you have no where to live. I feel like a begger. Begging for jobs, begging for places to stay, begging for love. Begging for some attention. I need a holiday. I need some rest. I can't take it anymore.
I woke this morning, and druggingly opened up the classified-again. Not much today. Called up one or two ads. Went for two interviews. The world outside is still keeping busy. The interviews were a little too much for me. But i'll still oblidge. Kill me, someone. Give me back my life. I feel like I'm partially dead already.
-I forgive you, I love you,
You are mine, take my hand,
go in peacer, sin no more, beloved one-
posted by melissa at 9/19/2005 08:52:00 PM
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