and she dreams again...

-I feel like a fool-

Like i was saying, before the eletricity got CUT. INSERT--> it's thunder, lightning, and heavy downpour here. I'm all alone at home, for the fifth day running, and am anxiously waiting for Harri and family to come home. I wonder where they are now. Why does the flight from Thailand take so long??=(

I feel so idiotic right now. Blog surfing, and everyone seems to have a stable job, and are all able to go shopping like nobody;s business. WAIT. maybe it's just that particualr group of classmates I have. I don't envy them. i'm not jealous, or maybe I'm just angry with myself. How stupid could I be? Look what I've done to myself. i wonder if , in the first place it was worth it. Yea, sure i was free from all the nags, and the curfews, but if I was where i'm suppose to be, i won';t need to worry about money so much. But, YET, it may be good, for me to learn, from the very beginning of my career searching days, that it doesn't mean i'm working therefore, i dont need to save. Even then, i'm finding it so difficult to be ise about my spending. i always think I spend alot. Darn, I wish i could spend the way they do. A part of me does la. People, please don't be offended. I'm just angry with myself.

Everyone's at a particular stage of their life, where their parents trust them. the big word is trust. And what have i done? There's not a night, I'm not taunted by nightmares of related issues. I haven't slept well, in months. Does anyone know how that feels? I know I'm this pathethic soul, spilling my own milk again, when I caused all this myself. This is again, one of the days I whine. Other days, I'm happy I still have a roof above my head, and a computer to use. i'm sorry i ever got Harri involved in all my nonsense. i';m so afraid I'd be told off by her dad one day. Just WHEN can go home, and deal with these myself and stop being a burden to her family? I'm sorry babe.

I've learnt a couple more things. I can cok my own instant noodles very well now. Haha, and while it started to rain so heavily just now, I suddenly remembered I had clothes that were hanging out to dry. the FIRST time ever, that i had to worry about such stuff. Mum--I understand now.

the Homily on Sunday, really hit all of us in the family There was a part of it God was talking to mum, dad, nick and myself about. Lord, if it be your will, may I head home, accept anything that comes my way, take it all in my stride, and behave accordingly. Let me learn patience, wisdom, and help me grow up please. I have fallen so far behind my peeps. This isn't right.

Look at my classmates of the same age. They are all standing tall, firm, and got everything in order. Sometimes, i feel sorry i was ever born. Hurting loved ones so badly. My bro, whom I've caused so much sadness and stress. My boyfriend, who loves me, and yet I failt o follow in his good foot steps. Why don't I see the light? Or am i jinxed? I don't believe in such things.

I only have my songs to bring me through it all. Even then. it still feels weird here. There are some things that homehad. I walked away from it. I am the prodigal daughter, who has wronged her parents so much. But how could living together have gotten so hard.

On a lighter note ^___^, I have been sneidng out my demo to many!! Everyone l;oves it! I have received comments, that it is lovely, and on their repeat mode..ahaha...I must admit I'm proud of it. However, a newer version will be out soon, as my voice wasn't mixed well.

And also another piece of good news!! I sang REALLY WELL on sunday!!! It's one of those rare times that i cantored well. : ) *clapss* MEL, dont be mad, will you.

I'm gonna head to john little's or far east, and get a nice pair of cheap shoes. I need it. one more thing I need badly. A NEW HANDPHONE. So that i will STOP btching so much about it.

Last thing. is it time to change my blog layout? I seem to write nothing but depressing stuff on it. Angfie has such pretty layouts. I also realised i haven't put up a picture in a long time. I shall do just that.

Darn, I'm so sleepy. i shall go napo. NAPO NAP NAP.Something i haven't had the fortune to do, in ages. Oh yes, I spend my entire day here, my comp i mean, msn-ing all the way, sending out more job applications,blog surfing, snacking and snacking and getting some personal chores done, and I'm still here, surfing. I suck.

I wish i had a recording company, recording contrack. I don't have to be popular, I could even record God's praises all the way. Lord. Help me to trust you more,to have more faith, for I know everything in YOUR TIME, not mine. I'm sorry lord.