and she dreams again...

-Long time- RANTINGS AHEAD. BEWARE.

I've stopped blogging for a while, I've noticed. Like Nikky, I find it quite hard to write out so much that has been happening to me. It hasn't been easy.

I'm backm to being jobless, as of today. I'm waiting for a response from NIE, and going all over to apply for teaching positions. Not many la, actually. I need a job now. Should I head back to cartel first? or will it be bad. They need people, i just checked. HOW? Or find something totally new. I knwo what i wana do le. i wana teach. Will NIE gives me a chance at it? If Ising for my passion, and teach coz I love it, then F&B is just my interest, coz I can't do it full time due to church ministry commitments. I dont care what anyone thinks, i know that much I'm doing right.

However, my being late for work, OF COZ, has led me to where I am today. irresponsible. Who cares whether I am not feeling well that day, have menstrual cramps, or couldn't sleep the night before?? I know, it's my fault, and I dug my own grave. BUT, forget it. I'm nto gonna work for a place that expects me to be indispensible, and blame me for it. Fine, I know, it is my fault.

Dad and Mum were right. All my carelessness back home, all my indecisiveness on things, all my fluctuating feelinsg about anything at ll, and my "feel like it"s" just don't work in the real world. i'm not used to working full time. That much i have come to realise. So, I wana teach, and if I dont get any of these, I wana do office job. Yet, that is a realli realli huge area, even if it's admin.

I'm slowly and steadily ruining myself. It started off with my acting very smart and shifting out of home. then my 'acting" strong , trying to survive all this while, in turn casuing me alot of stress and unnecessary stress. Then to not having any direction in terms of work. Doesn't help that i give bf alot of worries all the time. I feel like he really doesn't need it. Maybe by now, he's already sick of dealing with me. I wouldn't know, cause it seems fine ON THE SURFACE. Well, It's not like i'm a fantastic gf either. Oh well.

Bro is prob at his wits end with me. I'm just so upset with myself. Today is one of those days again. I seem to blog only the unhappy days. Is he really being true to me? Do i desrve it? Are we even being honest with each other? I wish we could talk, but you know, he doesn't like to talk about things. I just sned up taking it all in , and breathing it all out slowly. dear, r u ok? Yes, of coz. No, maybe it's me la. He has been so good to me anyway.

YAY! jam sessiion tmr!!!!! FINALLY, smth I love. FINALLY. I feel sorry for my old tuition lady. i keep postponing on her. dui bu qi, mdm lee. I met ren today after i watched Be With Me. Ren is so busy with school now, and the china gurl who likes him. I'm happy he's busy with school, and appreciate that he kept me compnay for a few lunches during work already. Thanks ren. He has a bright future ahead of him. Be With Me has my respect. Shaun, I loved your art direction, and it's simply so heart warming. Good work pal.

Harri and family are in Bangkok now. I wish i could go for a holiday now. I've been needing it for a very long time now. But, look what I've done to myself. i think by now, many would say stop bashing myself up for it, and do something about everything. Maybe it's my pride, that won't admit how pathethic I am, in front of the people in my life who matter most.

xaio wen might be studying soon.; Nikk is going to SIM and Faith is also in SIM. Where am I? ...I'm sorry, i am in one of my "let it all out moods". I try very hard, and I have been as strong as i can be. But, i'm so tired. God, thank you for everything, though. Despite what You're putting me through. Only you have the answer to my future. I will still try to improve and be better. i feel like going to Uni too, to do either music, or mcm. This is if i go home, and if I dont get into NIE.

My ahir is REALLY short now. OH YAY. yup. Oh BTW, my demo recording is done!! Wei yi and myself have got a copy each, while we gave special wordings for ash's copy. Nice that now we're both attached, we can be such gd friend,s and concentrate on our duet duos, recordings and stuff. I know he has been very relieved since i got attached. =) I think it;s so much better this way too. It felt weird taking the photo with him that day at the studio. We were both commenting that jianwei and stef would probably be jealous or uncomforatble. Indeed, i think steffie was a little uncomforatble when she saw it. Haiz, oh well. work is work.

I'm sorry, for giving you so much worry, so much nonsense. I am me, and if you're not happy with it, just say so. if you are keeping me only because you think you need me, please tell me. I just need you to be honest with me. oh gawd.