and she cries again...

...It's been hard on us.

I have a lot to pour out. First, I am fighting a very nasty flu, with a fluctuating fever nagging it on. Whilst fighting it, I am very furiously job hunting. I found today's interview a waste of my recuperating time, and money. But, despite all this, i am glad to have another day to live. Life is too fragile. It's just too fragile.

14th September 2005

Today is Angie's birthday. I still wished her, even though I knew she would probably be feeling very very bad, because of Perry's leaving. I knew she wouldn't reply, like she always did all these years. How could anyone forget such a thing when it happened on the night she celebrated? ( I beg all of you, not to scold me if I write anythign too sensitive here. I need to let it out too). I was so shocked and upset, i wrote out my thoughts in my organiser, which is something i never do. It'e either online, or in my diary. However, I just had to let it out of me. While I waited for dear at milenia walk, after one of the interviews, I started writing and writing. I had to hide my sadness when i went for the interview. HOW COULD IT BE.
...
I knew something was very wrong when i couldn't sleep the night before. I usually suffer from insomnia, due to my burdened mind. However, on the 13th September, I called my brother late at night, telling him i was frightened and the sounds and shadows i saw were really scaring me. I felt a very heavy uneasiness in me. I couldn't describe it. I feared the worst of the worst. I felt the same feeling when Vicki left us that fateful day months ago. I couldn't sleep. Something bad was gonna happen. I felt very sad, and I cried that night.

I woke up in the morning, went online to get smth for my interview, and nikky msn me.:"Perry Passsed away last night", she said. My heart sank. This was the looming feeling I had the whole night. Perry passed away. How could it be. How was Sam feeling now? she and him were preparing for marriage, that i knew. They were so fantastic a couple. How could it be. I refused to believe. He passed away after getting fits, profuse vomitting and a round of street soccer. I'm not close to either of them, but i have always seen him around with Sam in school, and I do read sam's blog, and see their pictures on friendster. I couldn't help feeling at a loss for Sam. It ain't funny, when this is the second seath in the year that my classmates and myself have to face. Now, i understood why i kept thinking of Vic that night.

The sun still shines the next morning, but the world is different again. The bus ride i took this morning, felt like that of the one we took to Mundai to send Vic off. There was an unspoken sadness in me. Sam is very sad, and i think it is a huge understatement. Who wouldn't be?? I still can't believe it. But God decides when he wants to take you, and takes so suddenly. Sam and him were going on strong. I always felt break-ups are terrible. A death in a relationship literally tears one apart. Why? Why has God taken him away? First Vic, now him. And yet the sun still shines the next day. Sad and helpless is the only thing we can do isnt it. We just dont have a choice. We can't call him back, his heart has stopped beating. His was another of so many deaths while in service towards our country. Just unacceptable to me.

I miss Vicki. I'm very worried for Sam. God, please, take care of Sam and Perry's family in this time of grief. Please let time slowly heal them.
Life is so fragile. Treasure those around you. More and more of us are falling sick. I wonder whether i myself would just go becasue I'm too weak already.

Dear Lord, i hope Perry is with you now. Perry--I'm sorry i never spoke to you before, but i hope you're resting in peace. God be with you my friend.


15th September

I dont understand how (1) life can be so fragile. I'm still upset by Perry's leaving. I'm still shocked.

(2) I've been spending too much. Meals, transport, and on little items that catch my eye. Dad asked me why i keep spending like this. I'm still watching my biudget, but the stress has been casuing me to get stuff, it makes me feel better. I've been spending quite a bit on my necessities as well. But I still trust that God provides, somehow. I'm tired of finding jobs. Nothing seems to suit. Trust in him is what is severely lacking in me now.

(3) Dad's very stressed at work. I HATE HIS BOSS. I will shoot him with a gun if i could. Dad says mum is upset with me, that I haven't learnt anything..at least not enough.. I beg to differ. What's wrong with me then? Perhaps I've learnt to live so very differently from my family, which now doesn't mean it's bad or good. I'm at my wits end. Dad says he rather not have me back, coz he's been happier without me around, coz MUM doesn't complain about me. Dad says he rather I stay out and do my own thing. There goes my studies, and my life. I'm doomed.
Either way is just as bad. Going back or staying, since the cons seem to outweigh. I'm really scared. i don't even know what is it now, that dad can help me with. Is he willing to take care of me while i stay out? if he can pay for stuff, let me study, while i take care of myself out here, it might just work. However, i need my stuff which are still at home. But I wana go back. I'm bursting, and i don't know how much more I can take. What have i done.

The way I'm going now, i'm gonna pass away young. I feel very ill. When will the fever subside. When will the flu go off.

HELP.