...in her head again.......

Yesterday's entry, disappeared into cyber internet space. So. UGH. yea. (and i wrote alot...those kinda entries are the ones u wish didnt get lost...haha) But anyway, when it disappeared, I didnt bother too much because I wrote the whole thing out, so in a way I got it outta me.

Yesterday I felt quite ok till the end of the day where things changed. Coz I had a very productive day. Woke up early and went for two interviews; of which one hired me, and I start work on Monday at Telok Kurau Studios, one lane away from where I used to stay. Role is arts administrator. I don't know how it'll work out but we'll see. hah, will be near godma's family and Charles and his cousins.

Charles wud probably scold me if I werre to write the followung paragraphs coz as I was very much on the verge of tears last night, I remembered he told me to pull myself together and not wait for people to fix me.

Well, when I feel lousy, I find that very hard to control. See, after interviews, I hung ard parkway for a while and that was fine. Went to church to practise with Nick and small jon and I was still ok. I headed to bedok for dinner and bumped into Sammie and Jared. Lately I have been feeling like I don't connect or relate to them anymore. These are the kaki from choir Ive grown up with, but I felt completely off around them. I felt it was prob because I have so much unsaid that I just kept quiet...and felt so awkward. Also quite pissed that off late, Ive been sayinb things wrongly to people. It cpmes out wrong and my whole itention gets misread. I don't know if maybe this has to do with me being troubled. I reralise I don't really tell anyone how Im feeling these days, well I don't have any one person to go to anymore. Only God...the usual people I talk to, and pour out to....I can't anymore.

During dinner, I got up and suddenly ran after this NS guy. It felt like a reflex action. I was so convinced it was JW. The way he walked was identical, completely trademark off him. the ONLy wrong thing was his bag. It wasn't his bag, but it cud've been oneof those rare occasions... so I ran... followed the guy, but I didn't stop him..I ran past and turned to see if it was him.......but of coz, it wasn't...........then as i sat back down at the table, I asked myself why I did thtat. I realised it was smth I wanted to do. I realised I want him back so much, want all this to be a bad nightmare...I realised no matter what happened, I love him too much to be completely angry. All tht is surface. And of coz it hurts. I just realised that he has deleted me off msn. I cudnt even bare to do tht. He really doesn't give a shit anymore. Everytime fromt the beginning when he said he'll try hard and not let go so easily, each break was no sweat to him.

We went to church for retreat meeting after that, the last before this weekend, and at d end, Sam belittled me. It was not his intention Im sure, but Im not surprised if he thought tht way off me, or felt Im not worth tht much uesfulness anymore. Jared asked me online later, why I let Sam do that, and I said, these days I'd rather let people say what they wana say abt me. It doesn't matter anymore. Kinda like pri schl, how I stayed strong and let bullies call me all sorts of names. One way si always to fight back, and another is to just keep quiet. And sometimes I think it's better to keep quiet....at least it will save trouble than create any. MAybe thts the mentality JW adopted long ago too.

I spoke to Jared last nite, and told him i have alot Im struggling with, but funny how I just dont wana tell them. i wud tell the younger ones...(though jared is the same age as me, he doesnt feel tht young anymore) But no, actually coz I never really told the gang so much of my personal things even thought we hang alot.. it was always stef and freda and the girls tht I spoke to...I wud tell Charles and Harri and like ya thts it...BUT ANYWAY...its hard to explain. Now, im not over him yet, yet Im like making msyelf like someone else.. im not sure if i even like.. im just crushing but this crushing is making me look forward to toking to this guy...and tht isnt very good, coz I cant.. and i dont wana come across with the wrong idea....so im stuck between the old and new...and tht kinda pain and tolerance needed..is really not funny.

I have also been struggling with eht spending urge..and now I gotta tighten my belt coz i barely have enuff for this july. I told Pat Im very sorry tht I have to borrow his spare handphone, and tht I can only pay rent end of july... feels like free loafing and i hate tht. Makes me feel worse.

I don't know if I should say this, nothing is solid at all, and I dont know if i wana, but end of the yr, I don't know if pat will let me stay on or shift, so I may either head to pasir ris... or if stef's mum finds a place for her, then we might stay together... or maybe ask lerping but i dont know la.. tht guy still cant trust one...to get things done i mean... so yea.. dont freak out la, tht im writing this para..and pls dont go think so much abt it...

jared and the gang are gg for their second holiday this yr. to puket. for him, it wud be his third. im not envious or jealous or anything. just honestly qwish i had a break. pple always flying off to hk, bangkok, aussie, and I know im like a grandma ive said this a million times on this blog.......... haahhaa... but they are gg the day after retreat! UGHH!

Enuff complaining. I have a new job, wonder what it'd be like.

I don't recognise myself anymore.