...mel's feeling tired
I don't know why I've been having body aches all over when I wake the past few days. I didn't go shop with mum,and because of that,it led to a terrible day at home. Yesterday really upset me and made me feel lousy. And everyone was so unforgiving, so assuming of my thoughts, and bad ones at that, and so accusing all at the same time.
And again today, I couldn't wake up. So very fed up with myself. Why do I always need so much rest. I felt so weak when I woke, and had to lie down just to rest for another hour or so. By the time I woke, there was barely enough time to do a decent bit of housework. And I knew how mum felt even before seeing her in the face, coz to her and dad, there should be no reason for me to be tired. I forced myself to do some housework, no matter how slip shot, AND in the end, I dont know whether it was better off not doing, coz mum commented that a rush job is never near an average done job ( and i agree), so it upset me further, coz I really didn't want to do it in the first place. But would she or dad believe me?? That I'm tired? Then they would say I shouldn't go on tmr and thurs and fri and sat and sun. If they could realise I'm tired and want a break, want some rest, some time to relieve myself off things.
It drained my energy completely, and I had to take a cab to work, coz i didn't wana be late, and didn't wana rush around. I was THAT tired. At work, I was so relieved that it was a fantastically quiet night. At least my blurr state wouldn't go so noticed, compared to if I had to rush around on a busy night. I'm thankful I had Melissa Tan with me, she was a great help. Even work is better than being home sometimes, coz the preasure is of a completely different level. When the boss ia angry, it's somehow ALOT easier to ignore, coz it's work. Not family. Not people you would expect , understand you, i guess.
I like being home. I still do. And i still treausre times with family, but off late, I have been very upset by things. I hate being talked about without me knowing, and everyone thinks I don't know. I hate it when I'm pinned down so hard for everything. I can't even do things for myself, or have my say or anything.------Ok, u've heard all this before, but today, How i have been feeling since yesterday is just TIRED, tired of everything. Always on the verge of tears, coz I wish I can just drop it all, and be myself. I can't take the preasure of dad mum and nick being so particular about everything i do. Is there really no space for one's own ways of doing things? I mean, i KNOW they wana train me, coz I'm entering into a really unforgiving workingw orld In January--Government sector. I think I know only too well, that If i screw it up, I'd lose all chances of being a teacher.
But I've always felt that at home is where one should rest, and where everyone takes off their maks, and be themselves, at least hoem to me is a place where u don't feel so worried u might make yr boss angry, or tht u gotta watch yr every move. How do you think it feels for me?? I'm watched at work, I'm watched even more at home. I feel stifled, the last few days. It was ALL going well till now. WHY??? I told stef earlier today, that I don't know what to say anymore, or what to feel. All i can do is feel upset, and disappointed. But I know better, tht I'm at home, so I don't have much of a choice. Nick always says I'm selfish. NO--mum and dad arent getting younger i know, and i love them, so I'm only too glad to helpa round--but can they NOT be so fussy? I wake up everyday, and it's housework(x3). They're NOT happy with me going out. But i like it. I like to be outside, and see things, and be around the crowds. I don't liek staying home too much. How many times do I need to say this? Sometimes I go out, to see new things, to look for my own things, and it's not a crime to meet up and catch up with friends???? Esp since it's my holidays now. Even when I make plans, It's so difficult coz I've always loved going out later in the day. But now, I have to be home for dinner. Coz mum cooks.. Don't misunderstand k, I love mum's meals. But now, it's tht kinda stuck in the middle feeling, coz u want this, and u know tht. And only on certain days mum doesn't cook, --BUT, dad will say Why can't i stay home. *vexed*. It sounds silly, but it's so difficult. And i wana go blading, jamming, gigs, to learn from others, to know things, all tht. I just wana do my own things, BUT this time, not be selfish anymore towards the people I love--make sure I don't leave them out.
I told mum this afternoon, that if I can wake early in the morning, do everything, and then go about doing my own things, that would be nice. Coz I don't want to just sya home , housework, work, and tht's my holidays. That's REALLY being unproductive! But of coz, Dad is angry coz I can't wake to start with. AGHH, i know i know.
So u see, it's my fault, but I wish they would understand too. I am trying already, but it's never up to thier standards. They watch me till I feel so trapped.
................I'm sorry for complaining. I'm just tired ,suddenly. All that positiveness, optimism, has suddenly VANISHED from me. The mature and understanding posts I wrote a few days back, suddenly doesn't feel like it was written by me, but, i KNOW they were. I wish I could feel it all again, but I'm so tired. I'm upset, Ive not seen dear in ages, mum and dad feels that seeing my friends more than a week back, was only RECENTLY. Going out is wrong, seeing bf too much is wrong, even what I like to buy and the way i spend is wrong. I'm sad...I've lost a best friend. I'm really so full of shit, maybe.
So This is my life. No matter how positive I am, and things become good again, i don't know how fantastic a time I'll have ever. I'll never be myself, for as long as they want me to be what they want.
why lord.
what's happening.
I don't know why I've been having body aches all over when I wake the past few days. I didn't go shop with mum,and because of that,it led to a terrible day at home. Yesterday really upset me and made me feel lousy. And everyone was so unforgiving, so assuming of my thoughts, and bad ones at that, and so accusing all at the same time.
And again today, I couldn't wake up. So very fed up with myself. Why do I always need so much rest. I felt so weak when I woke, and had to lie down just to rest for another hour or so. By the time I woke, there was barely enough time to do a decent bit of housework. And I knew how mum felt even before seeing her in the face, coz to her and dad, there should be no reason for me to be tired. I forced myself to do some housework, no matter how slip shot, AND in the end, I dont know whether it was better off not doing, coz mum commented that a rush job is never near an average done job ( and i agree), so it upset me further, coz I really didn't want to do it in the first place. But would she or dad believe me?? That I'm tired? Then they would say I shouldn't go on tmr and thurs and fri and sat and sun. If they could realise I'm tired and want a break, want some rest, some time to relieve myself off things.
It drained my energy completely, and I had to take a cab to work, coz i didn't wana be late, and didn't wana rush around. I was THAT tired. At work, I was so relieved that it was a fantastically quiet night. At least my blurr state wouldn't go so noticed, compared to if I had to rush around on a busy night. I'm thankful I had Melissa Tan with me, she was a great help. Even work is better than being home sometimes, coz the preasure is of a completely different level. When the boss ia angry, it's somehow ALOT easier to ignore, coz it's work. Not family. Not people you would expect , understand you, i guess.
I like being home. I still do. And i still treausre times with family, but off late, I have been very upset by things. I hate being talked about without me knowing, and everyone thinks I don't know. I hate it when I'm pinned down so hard for everything. I can't even do things for myself, or have my say or anything.------Ok, u've heard all this before, but today, How i have been feeling since yesterday is just TIRED, tired of everything. Always on the verge of tears, coz I wish I can just drop it all, and be myself. I can't take the preasure of dad mum and nick being so particular about everything i do. Is there really no space for one's own ways of doing things? I mean, i KNOW they wana train me, coz I'm entering into a really unforgiving workingw orld In January--Government sector. I think I know only too well, that If i screw it up, I'd lose all chances of being a teacher.
But I've always felt that at home is where one should rest, and where everyone takes off their maks, and be themselves, at least hoem to me is a place where u don't feel so worried u might make yr boss angry, or tht u gotta watch yr every move. How do you think it feels for me?? I'm watched at work, I'm watched even more at home. I feel stifled, the last few days. It was ALL going well till now. WHY??? I told stef earlier today, that I don't know what to say anymore, or what to feel. All i can do is feel upset, and disappointed. But I know better, tht I'm at home, so I don't have much of a choice. Nick always says I'm selfish. NO--mum and dad arent getting younger i know, and i love them, so I'm only too glad to helpa round--but can they NOT be so fussy? I wake up everyday, and it's housework(x3). They're NOT happy with me going out. But i like it. I like to be outside, and see things, and be around the crowds. I don't liek staying home too much. How many times do I need to say this? Sometimes I go out, to see new things, to look for my own things, and it's not a crime to meet up and catch up with friends???? Esp since it's my holidays now. Even when I make plans, It's so difficult coz I've always loved going out later in the day. But now, I have to be home for dinner. Coz mum cooks.. Don't misunderstand k, I love mum's meals. But now, it's tht kinda stuck in the middle feeling, coz u want this, and u know tht. And only on certain days mum doesn't cook, --BUT, dad will say Why can't i stay home. *vexed*. It sounds silly, but it's so difficult. And i wana go blading, jamming, gigs, to learn from others, to know things, all tht. I just wana do my own things, BUT this time, not be selfish anymore towards the people I love--make sure I don't leave them out.
I told mum this afternoon, that if I can wake early in the morning, do everything, and then go about doing my own things, that would be nice. Coz I don't want to just sya home , housework, work, and tht's my holidays. That's REALLY being unproductive! But of coz, Dad is angry coz I can't wake to start with. AGHH, i know i know.
So u see, it's my fault, but I wish they would understand too. I am trying already, but it's never up to thier standards. They watch me till I feel so trapped.
................I'm sorry for complaining. I'm just tired ,suddenly. All that positiveness, optimism, has suddenly VANISHED from me. The mature and understanding posts I wrote a few days back, suddenly doesn't feel like it was written by me, but, i KNOW they were. I wish I could feel it all again, but I'm so tired. I'm upset, Ive not seen dear in ages, mum and dad feels that seeing my friends more than a week back, was only RECENTLY. Going out is wrong, seeing bf too much is wrong, even what I like to buy and the way i spend is wrong. I'm sad...I've lost a best friend. I'm really so full of shit, maybe.
So This is my life. No matter how positive I am, and things become good again, i don't know how fantastic a time I'll have ever. I'll never be myself, for as long as they want me to be what they want.
why lord.
what's happening.
posted by melissa at 11/09/2005 02:57:00 AM
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