I think ive been feeling quite depressed since last night.

On fri night, after jear and I went to sleep, I had a really high fever. But after he helped cold compress me, and after panadol, the temperature went off, and so far has only come back once, which was on sat afternoon. I spent the whole sat afternoon sleeping at his place, hoping to get well, to go to Godmna's for dinner, or with them to blujazz again. But I couldn't go for both. I felt too sick. I headed home. I think they ahd a great time. They went to watch a movie too. When ure sick and everyone else is having fun, it really sucks. esp when I developed ear pain, and neck pain due to the swollen glands.

Today, at ard 6+, they just played at indoor staduim. AGAIn I can't be there. I couldn't go for choir either. Sam got pissed ( as i anticipated). I listened to his voice mail four times, and only got more upset each time I heard it. He doesn't know how it feels to want to go and not able to, want to sing and not able to, want to be places, and can't coz I need to rest.

I slept through again, till now, and i am feeling a bit better, though the left ear is still a little painful and swollen. But I cartainly feel better. Dear wants to go for the observatory gig later at arts house, and I know I shouldn't go, coz i might get worse, or/ and nick will get angry, and coz I didnt go for church today.

Hence been feeling really sucky, shitty, and completely no mood to do anything at all. Just no fucking mood. Feel like crying each time I think of how I couldnt be with him today and last night, to suport the guys. He's like FINALLY free, with block off this week, and I have to be sick. it could have been a fantastic weekend. Im just so angry with myself. No one sle, nothing else. Lousy body of mine. Always always sick. Always. It was a great mistake tht I took up teaching. I shouldn't have. My flus have never been this bad.

I want to reply sam, but would he even believe me? Last week, I thought i felt better, so I went for mass, but ended up feeling worse coz the air con was freezing in church. he heard me coughing. I wasn't bluffing. It IS tht bad.

I'm glad I slept this afternoon. It was a gd solid two hrs of rest , well, until he called tht is. He said things like " I dont know why u are doing this to the choir" (what the hell am i doing..? what do you think i wana do, huh sam?) " we are at a great losee without you" ( Im sorry! I wana be there too ok... but shld i when i feel so sick?) " If u dont wana be part of the choir anymore, make it clear to me. If u want to, then i dont understand why ure doing this..." (doing what????? I dont even know what ure toking abt) " I'll take it tht ure not part of the choir anymore, if u are going to be sick again, u bring a medical certificate.." ( A WHAT EXCUSE ME?? WHAT THE FUCK) " Im very dsiapponted in you melissa, im sick of you" ( oh great.. great man. )

Well, I don't need to explain anything to him. God knows exactly how I feel. The choir shldnt be able to do without me. I hve very good sops in my section. I lead which is true, but when I'm not around, they shldnt be suffering. Im not at all like what Margaret said. I do not think highly of msyelf. In fact, it's really opposite. I love the choir. Im not the kind who disappear, with no proper reason.

I wana head back to sleep now. Pop pills, and get more rest. I'm so hay wire at this very moment.