...in her head again.......

Hi everyone!

I think its abt time, that I moved blog. So please find me at :

http://melissadesiree.wordpress.com/

:) Enjoy.

I slept in till late today... coz I can feel a flu coming.. and NO NO NO LORD, thts BADDDDDD

im really damn worried abt tmr's jam....

went for ymm today. Better than being at home, feeling like crap, not being able to practise...

I did smth amazing though; i mopped the whole house. W O W. mel mopping the house. SMTH LONG. hahahaa..


ymm was beautiful tonite... and freda was there for me again. its strange how she noes i need comfort, even before i start showing signs tht i do. And jonella was so sweet... felt really touched...

been feeling very lonely... very empty...

had supper with them after and headed home...


yakking with a new friend called feng now... interesting new friend who was actually in mcm together with me in fsv.. haha..


gonna finally get to see him tmr... = )

WOHOOO! I finished watching GOONG! :))))) Or better known as Princess Hours!!! =)

YAY YAY YAY!

So so happy i watched it!


Also, ive loaded all my songs back into my player! Now its more organised. I named the files properly and alL! HEEE...

Kor..... hahaha can u help me find the songs for princess hours online? heh coz i dont know where to get hurhur... u know im dumb with these things hehehe

Watching movies and all especially these kind of series (korean and taiwanese) always make me forget all my problems and always immerse me in the story, till I go to bed feeling so much for the characters in the show. Yeah.. movies and such good serieses always make me have post feelings. hahahaha.

So shiok, 24 episodes all on u tube! SHIOKNESS !! hahaha sorry la poor film buff here what ta do rite. HEHEHE.


Tmr, will focus back on my practising! I have alot of practising to do. Vocal warm ups and practises, piano practise for originals, guitar practise for originals, vocals practise for gig, vocals practise for christmas caroling..! wow.


Monday start work! Also have caroling sectionals practise wow. Mondays fort sops and altos, tues for tenors and bass. Fri ymm wed maybe i mite wana go down for youth mentors... but i'll prob wana go catch open mic at sg art cafe... hope fri and sat ahve some gigs worth gg for...

Oh yeah guys, the Pitch Black Cafe at Haji Lane behind the bali lane is now open! So do go there and take a look see look see! Its beri pretty!


I miss you.
After watching this show, somehow the two main characters really reflected us. Ure like him, cold, and a man of few words. Pride being the utmost barrier. The girl in the show is like me, expressive, emotional, naive, simple, and happy happy. She cries for love alot, like me as well. After I finished watching the whole series, I wished for so many things... but oh well.


Monday I start work. But Monday Charles is flying off to Aussie. I havent spoken to him in ages. Somehow ive not seen him online. Somehow he didnt reply my msg abt work today, which I tot he wud. But its ok. I miss talking to him. I miss confiding in him. I miss my Charlie brown. I hope he'll be safe there and come back not feeling too tired. Hahah he hasnt even gone man, and im already so worried. LOL.
And Pat comes back on monday. Lerp and Sean mite be staying longer...


Ive learnt quite a few things from the princess hours show
- never be greedy. it will lead to evil and the evil will come back to you.
- love cant be forced. if u force, u drive it away.
- communicate. it is so important.
- be happy with what you have.
- the simple things matter.
- guys can be so difficult to understand HAHA.

that last one was a joke.

anyway, im off to sleep now.
till tmr.
nites everyone.


-do u miss me?-

Well, I guess one thing is off my mind though im still as broke. But good to noe im starting work again.
NEVER SAY DIE.
hahaha.

Anyway.... went to send lerp off at the airport with d rest earlier today. It was just an excuse to meet up i guess. He and pat went on the same flight. Sighs. Melbourne... I really really want a holiday. Seems like ive been saying tht forever eh? All these lucky people...and lucky students... but then again, I guess no pain no gain.. for me its gonna be doubly hard? By dec i wud have half a K to pay for rent... great... and i still owe some money... so besides tht i need abt another 650 a month to get by... singapore is expensive huh. I dont even spend on other things.. those are the calculated necessities. Also I will be saving for a possible overseas trip, my laptop, other stuff I need to get, and all... seems almost impossible sometimes.

But I guess tht working like a dog is the only way for me. Other people ahve uni sponsored. U noe how envious i am? But I noe after so much tht has happened tht at d end of the day I have no one else to blame except myself. But its really really difficult, accepting the fact that all this has happened and tht im even more less normal than others.

I doubt I can ever afford Berklee. I wud like to just go for their summer school but even that seems laughable. Im very sad inside, really.

No one wud ever really understand how any of this feels. But wait, stop, im not asking for yr pity, but just understand tht Im different. And tht affects many of my decisions or things I say.

Haha, anyway, guess my dieting hasnt been going accordingly lately. I have been eating too much meat and cheese and extra snacks and chocs HAHA. I was suppose to resist. And after the aches I felt those few days, the exercise stopped too. I guess I'll just try my darnest to eat less and eat proper food (lol what proper food anyway looking at how i have nothing here.. )...sorry.

MM..if its possible I'd be as skinny as joyce now. I like the way she looks. Or lerp for tht matter.. wow hes lost weight significantly.


Anyway.. are u one of those girls.. who holds onto her handphone all night, hoping he'd call? Why dont u try NOT doing tht? I have learnt to let go, totally.. not bothering or rather taking it as such : hes not gonna call, hes not gonna msg... hes got his own things to do which is prob true and hes really not interested anymore.. i tell u it works... and u dont get so disappointed.. u'd just go " whats new? "

But of coz.. its not like I dont understand...

all of us noe what its like leaving at d end of a nite out with friends, walking home or gg home alone.. and having to handle one of those really awful feelings of emptiness and loneliness...


Ive linked justicia's YORK PHOTOS... makes me feel even worse ... but im happy tht she puts up photos so tht we can all see what shes enjoying there... i love the weather there, i can feel it in the photos she takes.. i love the colours of the leaves... i love the beautiful scenic places they have there.... I REALLY want to go away... if i had money now, enuff for me to survive and go for a holiday, i wud run like the wind and be somewhere else. I hate this place.

but as much as i speak of melbourne and soon sydney, in 2008, the minute i think of everyone here and my commitments... i find it hard to let go. Yet I think when the time finally does come, i wud just go. Coz I noe like Jus I wont regret it at all.

nite.

4 6477 968

yeah some photos... tht emily poster was given by joycie.. :)

God will make a way, where there seems to be no way...

Ive always believed in this.

After many nights of sleplessness, many nights of stress, I finally slept well last night. I got home and slept after an hr of tv. Slept till this morning, and woke to the phonecall of my next job. :)

Wow. Talk abt God's miracles.

I start work on Monday. It's project based. Pay is decent enuff really. 9am-6pm. Job aint so sweet, but if i push myself these two months, after december they might just keep me. If not I do have other plans, sort of.

Lord. Ive said thank you before, but this time really. thank you so much.
Now, I can do my caroling, i can do christmas, i can do my gigs. Praise u Lord.

...in her head again.......

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It's the start of a new day for many. But for me, Im just lucky it's looking up a bit today. Coz after Pat and I got home last night, I felt so tired that I slept straight away, and that was 10.30pm. FIRST TIME EVER in so long....... gawd knows how long. BUT, the not so gd part was, i slept for a more or less solid three hours, till 130am, and woke up. Then after taking some water, I tried to sleep again but tossed till 230am. I gave up and woke up ard 3ish. ARGHS. But I have watched Princess Hours or GOONG till episode 20! Hurhur... omg, the story is getting so sad, so complicated so frustrating, so ... hahaa its making me so flustered! Coz they are all misunderstanding each other, hearing the wrong things, saying the wrong things, doing the wrong things, seeing the wrong things, all at the wrong times, due to the things that happened a sec before. So its like if it didnt happen tht way, it wud have turned out better tht kinda thing. AIYA! And the princess is too goodie that she doesnt see the bad intentions of the other party! And gets herself into trouble and all! AIYA!And the poor crown prince who loves her so much now is being so badly treated by her... argh argh... but then again yul is sooo nice too.. AIYA!

Oh but i guess there is one thing worth celebrating today, and that's pat's birthday. We went to miss clarity for dinner, (last min thing since we were both in d area), and I had the most delicious sandwich in the world! Harri u wud be jealous! HAHA.
The sandwich was three levels of bread, cut into half diagonally to make two big triangles, and inside were these ingredients: Bacon, lettuce, tomato, cheese, egg, succulent grilled tender chicken, and ham. .......YUMMY!!!

It was a superbly delicious dinner, with soup, drink and a small piece of dessert!
Thanks Pat, Im gald I cud celebrate your birthday with u! :)

Also the cafe is now decorated for Xmas. Sweet. =0)

Christmas... is different this year.
And it brings back memories that burn in my heart...

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...in her head again.......

Theres alot gg on in my head...Im sorry if i havent been talking much lately, or have appeared uninterested to talk, or have been oddly quiet, or have been unusually nonchalant... which i may not have been at all either; i do not know.

But, please be patoent, and understanding. I need your iindness now very much especially at this point.


Lord, your lost sheep needs you.


The job hunting has been very difficult. I cud explain the many reasons why, but thats all u really shud noe if u want to noe.


I have been sinning if what they say is true, that anxiety is a sin, becoz it shows tht i dont trust god enuff. So please forgive me father, for mynhuman weakness. im too lost not to be worried.

...in her head again.......

Wow. So much happened today. In the span of 7 hrs, church people caused me to cry and church people caused me to laugh. isnt it ironic.

Ive never realised how committed I am to cd choir till today. And jessy's leaving to me, is my failing as a soprano leader. But I guess wads done is done. I can blame myself and she'll still leave. Maybe then she isnt all tht committed and tht loving towards the choir, coz if she is, she wud stay despite the typhoons and small pricks tht the choir goes through.
Im disappointed, Im hurt. I may be young, but that doesnt mean I dont know what im saying esp with regards to ministry work. True tht I am still very emotionally driven with things, but I really hate it when people cut me off, esp people who are supposed to be older. Dont think tht young people talk rubbish. Some young people are wiser. But im not saying this to say something spiteful; coz for the first time ever, i didnt cry in church becoz of some personal prob im facing. I felt toally distraught with her sudden decision to leave, and her excuses of other roles she plays, which all of us have. Shes always been one of the members who came whenever she cud, and I understood. Many of them are like tht too, and so have i ever blamed them? NO. I felt my efforts to try and talk to her was like a big joke to her and thts rude. I saw a side of her that was aloof, and tht was rather shocking.
I guess its too late now. If she feels tht shes not strong enuff for ministry, then I guess none of us are. the all of us shud just WALK OUT right? is tht how we treat God? We leave him, becoz he has wounds and we cant help him and we feel we're not fit enuff? He never made us to be perfect. he never made us to serve him perfectly. I cant accept her excuses, coz I know theres more to it. I believe there are major misconceptions coz she has been fed with misconceptions, and I am extremely displeased abt tht. get the person out pls, if the person wants to destroy the nest i am trying to protect here. I am hurt. Very hurt. Very disappointed, and I feel Ive failed at the one thing Im trying to do best.
I feel very shaken by this becoz it just goes to show, how easy it is for someone to walk out on another person. We're here to help each other make things possible for the ministry. 5 yrs, so many things have happened. do any of u even understand??
We are all gg thru very difficult times. Each and every one of us carry crosses so heavy we wish we cud throw them off. But even then members try to stay, and try their best to come when possible. Some even come as little as one month out of 12, coz they study overseas, or some hols jobs tht take up the weekend. Jessy, I know ure giving me excuses, and becoz of that, beocz u werent willing to hear me out, and to hear yrself out, then ok, go find yr other CALLINGS.
im sorry tht u felt attacked today, but it wasnt meant for u and u knew tht.

...in her head again.......

Sleep has bercome impossible.
At least till i pass the morning.

I had one hour of "sleep" and I woke up after. For the 4th, 5th day i got to see daybreak again.

I continued watching princess hours till 12pm. Then suddenly felt very sleepy, and went to nap. Now im gonna be late for church. great.


maybe too much princess hours. had nightmares just now.
sighs.



p/sL pendulum man is not scary

News news!

November 9, 2006
Singapore to legalise anal, oral sex - but only for heterosexuals
By News Editor

http://www.fridae. com/newsfeatures /article. php?
articleid=1800& viewarticle= 1

As part of Singapore's first major penal code amendments in 22 years,
anal and oral sex in private among between consenting heterosexual
adults will soon be decriminalised but the law criminalising sexual
acts between men will remain.

Anal and oral sex will no longer be a criminal offence in Singapore
but this will only apply to consenting heterosexual adults while
sexual acts between men will remain a crime, the government said on
Wednesday.

The Ministry of Home Affairs (MHA) said it has conducted a detailed
review of sexual offences in the penal code. The review was first
announced in November 2003 after a huge public outcry erupted over
the injustice of convicting a police constable for consensual oral
sex with a teenager who was thought to be of legal age until later.

A relic of British colonial rule, Section 377 - which criminalises
sexual acts 'against the order of nature with any man, woman or
animals' and provides for life imprisonment for life, or with
imprisonment and a fine - will be repealed while Section 377A, which
criminalises "gross indecency" between males whether in public or in
private and prescribes up to two years' imprisonment, will be left as
is.

Britain, Hong Kong and Australia have since repealed laws prohibiting
sex between men in 1967, 1991 and 1997 (in the state of Tasmania, the
last Australian state to do so) respectively.

An "explanatory note" issued by MHA to official newsrooms after
office hours on Tuesday, which was obtained by Fridae, read: "The law
on sexual offences deals with sexual relationships and embodies what
society considers acceptable or unacceptable behaviour.

"When it comes to homosexual acts, the issue is whether Singaporeans
are ready to change laws to bring them in line with heterosexual
acts. Singapore remains, by and large, a conservative society. Many
do not tolerate homosexuality, and consider such acts abhorrent and
deviant. Many religious groups also do not condone homosexual acts.
This is why the Government is neither encouraging nor endorsing a
homosexual lifestyle and presenting it as part of the mainstream way
of life."

The news has enraged the local gay community. Miak, who is an active
member of several gay groups, said: "What is the argument for the
decriminalising of non-vaginal sex between heterosexuals but not for
homosexuals? Is it about how conservative Singapore society is, and
how some people find homosexual sex deviant, offensive, repugnant? I
think that the same people might also find non-vaginal - meaning oral/
anal sex which will soon be legalised - deviant, offensive and
repugnant too!"

"The law hasn't been used to prosecute in recent times - so what is
the point of retaining it? To maintain a facade of moral standards?"

While welcoming the repeal of Section 377, gay and lesbian advocacy
group People Like Us (PLU) said that the "assurance" that it "will
not be proactive in enforcing the section against adult males
engaging in consensual sex with each other in private" is inadequate
as it cannot be relied upon legally.

In a statement issued on Wednesday to call on the government to
repeal both Section 377 and 377A, PLU said: "The retention of s.377A,
even if not enforced, will signal to many that homophobia is
justifiable and acceptable and has the support of the State.

"If the government aims for an open, inclusive society, it should be
doing all it can to overturn prejudice and discrimination, rather
than give people reason to remain closed-minded through retaining s.
377A for symbolic purposes."

Subhas Anandan, president of the Association of Criminal Lawyers in
Singapore, questioned the rationale for not repealing Section 377A in
a Channelnewsasia interview: "If you are a homosexual or a lesbian, I
think you can get into trouble. We are talking about an inclusive
society and being more broad-minded. Why do we want to keep these
people away, out of the circle? I think we should be more broad-
minded, more sympathetic and allow these people to be included in our
society."

Other proposed amendments include new laws to combat child
prostitution, sex tourism, strengthened prosecution of credit card
fraud and the extension of several offences to the electronic media
including the Internet as well as a clarification of the definition
of an unlawful assembly. In total, the proposed changes would add 19
new ones, affect 19 existing offences, and review penalties, and will
now be open to public feedback for a month via reach.gov.sg.

Saturday Nov 11 06

Today was not bad I guess.
I woke, practised for an hr or so, loaded more stuff into my now "brand new" player and arranged with joyce what time to meet. Today was suppose to meet ana, but joyce cud meet me in the same area as my jam session later tht nite so I guess it fit in nicely.
:)

Met joycie later, and I realised how much I missed her. It hurts me to see her so so so so sad.... sighs.. no amount of love i give her cud make up for tht emptiness in her. I just hope she realises she deserves so much more and has so much more to live for. But I guess things like these are not for me to judge and say... a person shudnt be reprimanded over how he or she feels about something. Its an accumulation of so many hthings and past events that cause them to feel that way.

But still... seeing her like this... i tend to realise people have worst problems... even myself... my probs may be heavier than hers... but mine are nothing to compared to the handicapped girl I saw coming out of the train today, who has to walk around with a four feet crutch in front of her.. or my church friend whoose grandpa is very sick, granduncle passed away and grandaunt also in hospital...


Anyway... met her and round round teddy bear fighting jason for dinner... thanks to them i had a dinner to fill my tummy. I only spent four dollars today on scones at gloria jeans... no sonces can be compared to mum's scones.. i miss her scones very much.... smth from my younger days...

After tht I met Amanda and Kalai to jam... we tried evry song...e recorded... but theres much to work on... i need wei back.. if not we're gonna hev a prob... hopefully army lets him out next sat... please please cross fingers... jam fund was worked out with kalai.. and i really appreciate tht...thanks da man... thts what i call him DA MAN... hahaa...

Went home straight and passed Joik the website stuff...

ohoh! it was quite funny.. joyce, jason and i bumped ionto bao, jon desker, ken ji, josh, emman, and two of the other ymm boys at suntec. LOL.. then it was quite funny really.. two groups of church friends.. ahaha... then later on i ended up on the SAME bus as bao.. LOL... gawd...


thanks everyone for yr love and support.

...in her head again.......

Friday Nov 10 2006

Spent the day alone.

My aim to wake up early and set out to do everything wasnt exactly successful.
I cudnt sleep last night. It was impossible. In fact I kinda hate sleep now, sort of, coz I begin to worry too much when I sleep. So I stayed up till 8am, after trying to sleep for an hr or so, watching princess hours up to episode 6. Thanks Gerri for yr email some time ago; never tot I'd actually watch the series. hah.
The lead actor, OMG, reminds me of someone i really dont wish to remember anymore. Why why does he HAVE to look and behave so much like him?! Why? Argh. Haha jus, I didnt think we’d have smth in common with this series even! I remember u told me that the lead actor reminded u of him too. Damn, from novels to movies, we have yet something else in common HAHAHA.

Anyway, I was hoping I cud stay up past 8am, and then not have to wake up at 9am, which was my planned waking time. But I cudnt tahan, and ended up sleeping till 3pm.
These were the things I planned to do today (and those cancelled were what I did do):

- Go to Shangri-la Hotel for a walk in interview
- Got to Moon Rover Cafe to apply for job
- Go to Westin to apply for banquet job
- Go to Raffles Hotel to apply for banquet job
- Go to Marina Square to repair my damn player
- Pass him his mopiko
- Go to Blujaz to watch Matrix and chill
- Buy Newspapers
- Check how bankrupt I am.
- Go to werners oven to apply for job.

So there, not bad for someone who woke at 3 and rushed out at 345pm.


This time of my life is really surreal. Im at my poorest, my most helpless, and the weirdest. Im living with a different time frame compared to everyone else for now.
And I feel like I cant really trust anyone anymore. Something inside is telling me even the closest cant be trusted totally., or relied on.

Today, I started understanding even more wad its like to go for what u really want.
I told Harri yesterday that if she really wanted smth, she had to pursue it, fight for it.
Today, the way I went abt finding ways and means to make sure I got a place at the hotels for the banquet jobs.. really… was an extra mile. If I had given up, I wudnt have gotten my name down at either hotel.

I realized also that im giving up time for jobs, for my upcoming gig at esplanade. I hope it’ll be worthwile and that it’ll turn out good. Im not batting an eyelid. I will do it , no matter the cost. It is proving to be difficult though, with the kinds of work im gd at. Its not smth I don’t already know.

This is the worst time of the yr to be getting a job. It’s the Christmas season. Argh. Really. The timing is very bad.

The Raffles Hotel HR fella was one weirdo. But the Banquet office girl at Westin was a lot nicer. In fact shes so real. She said to me “ But this concerns yr career u noe… “ and I said “ Yes but… im stuck between my calling for music for church, my dreams and my needs.” And really, no one really understand how stressed I am abt this. It is a very huge dilemma. I aint giving up any of them/

So far, Ive sent in resumes or applications to singtel, jermaine’s marketing sales job, westin, raffles, moon river café, and before tht the stupid liquid kitchen, Vietnamese restaurant and secret recipe. So see how loh. Before that, I have sent to some others cant remember now. At least no more stupid liquid kitchen ***.

The banquet office girl at westin said to me “ ure too used to operations work liao.. ure not suited for office.” Hahaha how true…

I think this xmas is gonna suck. Really.
I was walking ard, and I was being tortured looking at all the lovely clothes, things in the shops etc etc, and the miserable feeling tht I can only look. Sighs. And the xmas trees all around town, making me feel worse. I usually start soaking in the xmas season atmosphere when the décor in town starts to come up. This yr I hate it very much. I hate it a lot. It reminds me of our first xmas with harri in orchard as well.

The rain today didn’t have the effect it usually has on me. I didn’t feel nice. It only made me drenched. Well, maybe it helped to so call COOL me down. And coz of my own late waking, I rushed out and forgot to bring my brolly, forgot to eat properly, and forgot to bring out the stuff for Joik.

HAHAHAHA. Why,. Wud. ANYONE.like ME? Who am I kidding man. HAHAHA.
I hate the way I look. I hate the way I dress. I hate the way I am.
Fashion and shopping are the evil. Haha

Lets put it this way: the woes of women are such that we have to look good, feel good, and it helps self confidence. This is true. I don’t exaggerate. And it is just a part of us to want to look good, and hence feel good. Guys don’t have to worry abt tht. Clothes have tons of different designs, colours, styles… and , just looking ard today, made me feel really pathetic. Girls are unfortunate to have to accessorise, though it is a choice.

Guys, DON’T PRETEND for one minute, that yr first impression of a girl isn’t that she looks good, she dresses well, and shes preddddiii. A girl feels good, not just by how she feels abt her self, but sometimes when u guys say “ wow she carries herself so well. She looks so confident.” Have u noticed, tht she probably spent extra time ironing tht dress, or blowing her hair, or putting on all that make-up, or matching her clothes for an hr with her shoes and watch and everything ELSE so tht she can be confident abt how good she looks?!?!?!?!?!?

Don’t lie. So easy for guys to go Aiya just wear a shirt and jeans and walk out la. Or aiya I just wear this all the time no diff.



How. did my life. get this bad?
Im bankrupt now.

I went to 6 atms, and how annoying it was that only ONE out of the six cud draw 20 dollars. And this time its nt like I cud draw 50 anyway.

Can I wish for the impossible now PLEASE? Its depressing.


My BEAUTIFUL mp3 player HAD TO BE REFORMATTED
FARRRRRRK. They said either that, or send back to the factory to check if its still under warranty and then repair it. WHICH WUD COST ME 139 OR 199 if it isn’t under warranty. Either way I didn’t want my player to be sent.

So there goes. And YES THE MIC IS SPOILT. ……………………………………..


So, the whole days ordeals were over. I had eaten bread, two packets of panda biscuits, one chicken fold over and had fries at blujaz. So CARBOOOO---EEEY don’t u think!?!
Screw the farking diet. I ate chocolates last nite and tonite too. So So edgy. But im still trying to be careful of what I eat.

My chest injuries are gone. I shud get back to exercising.

Im 56 kg, at 161, or 162 somewhere ard there. Why ?? I wana be 46.. tht wud be nice.


Oh.. Aileen is acting all weird on me now. Just coz I asked her again whether I cud work. She didn’t even reply my msg. That wud have solved all the awkwardness. Tonite she gave me my 5 dollar bill even before I cud ask. And this was like even before I’d started eating my fries. This is NOT THE POLICY THERE. I was really quite ticked off. And Oh JAMES IS STILL AROUND…. But part time.. apparently he isn’t leaving yet.
Oh she has new comers, she doesn’t need me anymore. That is fine u noe, but at least don’t show so obviously tht ure avoiding me?? Like the way she was avoiding kalai tht week. ARGH. She really SIAMED me today.

Nevertheless, the music was awesome. Matrix is really good. They are all working professionals, yet they play so well, as if they practice all day long. Jazz piano, saxophone, drums, bass. All of them really all of them are REALLY REALLY REALLY GOOD.

The music helped cheer me up a bit at least.



Its been a very rough day. Im sorry.