...in her head again.......
-Monday-
You know how they say Monday blues are the worst..? My Monday, was odd. I'm not entirely unhappy about it, neither am I entirely happy about it either. But Of course, since I find myself caught in limbo ever so often, about many things varying from jobs to places to friends to love. I still am grateful for another day coz God gave me another day to live and experience and learn.
But today, I felt a range of emotions. Oddly mixed up. I was initially bored and sleepy, and tht is normal, and then I felt rather upset and disappointed, but tht slowly changed to a lighter, happier feeling, though a bit confused with myself. Then I felt the kinda " what a waste " feeling, which changed to " ok so be it " feeling. MMm...Later it was alot of deep thoughts and confusion on an entirely different topic.
Had something else to attend to before heading back, and got back ard 9ish.. quite tired. But also busy mind bloggling over my gig songs.. still not gotten down to confirming my set list YET *agh*.. Don't u just hate trying to squeeze everything into one set????
U're prob really perplexed about what my whole second paragraph was about,so to cut the chase; Jw and I spoke again and finally talked about things.( Though yet again I had to initiate..just wished he cud have been the one like ive wished since long ago ). My anger "evergy" turned into nothing but positive and what i've felt for him all along. And I'm glad to know as much that hopefully to his extent, he felt the same, but he ..well,...like it or not, I have to accept that he had his reasons and still does. But after three months of silence, he's matured and we've both coincidentally learnt the same lesson about not plunging head on into these things or anything in life for tht matter.( smth nick has always talked to me about but Ive only understood it not long ago). I ought to say too, that smth he admitted to me, I believe, that I too, have the same flaw, and tht makes us amazingly similar. Or maybe it is a flaw of people our age. But whatever it is, though upset, Im happy with the way he said things this time round, and that I am now finally able to have a better conclusion, though not perfect, but nothing is; so now I can move on with my life, and with us being friends. I started the day being unable to call his name, and tht was a difficult barrier to break, but I managed to by the time I left work. That feeling lifted me, and I walked from Eunos bus stop to Eunos mrt, embracing the wind, smiling at God's beauty around me, and honestly, feeling happy. I treasure such moments, when my emotions don't stirr me into the darker side of things.
Don't ask me how it happened, but overnight, I just decided to throw all tht ill and hurtful feelings away and come face to face with what I felt deep inside. And I think for him, he's probably happy that we had this conversation as well. Of coz, I'm the not-so-fortunate party, but well, it's always been this way. The guys Ive loved before have either been taken, and/or rejected me nicely, left me "the next day literally" , or thrown me away time and time again after i tried to go back. But I knew I had to do this...and it felt right.
I always give myself and the other party two chances, and after tht I promise myself that i don't try again, co I've done and expressed myswelf clearlya and the best I could. So I walk away after tht, and be around in a wholly different manner, and see where the wind blows. : )
Ahh, never thought I'd say tht sentence again. Well, for this I'm back on track. I guess sort of, this can only be good. It has to be , isnt it? Actually Jw expressed smth tht Nick talked to me about before, but I just simply refused to look at. And that is, (and deep down i have somewhat always known) that we're young. HAHA. Nick is prob laughing. Jw did mention this before in the heat of our break up, but it was alot harder to take then, esp when he said it so insensitively. He is mature I guess, in this aspect. He has always been right, about how we are both simply too unstable, emotionally, or financially, or even educationally,ourselves, to take care of each other properly. it's not that he can't or I can't but, he just can't, fully. He has his things to do, and so do I, and that IS TRUE. But... I loved him too much to let go at tht time, and so I cudnt say the two big words, and he ended up doing so. Or I guess I refused to accept tht before,because I wanted to believe in him and us that we were strong enugg, or mature enuff to work thru all the storms. because THAT WAS what we promised each other. Perhaps all talk and no brain? But who were we to be hero? Although I still very much want to journey with him, I guess it will have to wait, and becoz I finally understand the meaning of loving means letting go, with him tht is, Im finally gonna do it. You see, with every love, until a proper conclusion is made, and both parties understand, there's no way this phrase can be literally embraced and done.
But besides, we're both terribly immature, with regards to the matters of the heart, and so till he has worked tht out. I guess this is it for now. I have no intention anymore of trying to distract myself. There's no need to. Not even for the fun of having something interesting to write. Coz in all honesty, all the distractions, were, simply nonsense.
OK.
Work wise, I'm mind boggling over it. Im just staying, for the preddi cheque on the 28th, but it's becoming more evident to me, that I truly do not know how to appreciate or feel like contributing to the visual arts community. Also, the lot of accounting work that needs to be done on excel sheets ain't pleasing me too much, don't mention how I'm terribly confused about all the different accounts and what should go where, and the terms such as income and expentiture statements. The company has BIG PLANS, BIG DREAMS, but the account has not so big amounts, and the place will prob only be able to fulfil this in ten yra time, looking at the anqitue bosses and mentality here. *90% cheena-fied, 10% westernised*. How interesting, for ARTS people?!?!
I went to meet Wayne, my previous HR manager for Gramophone and also my friend now... ( who btw is like one of the rarest, nicest husbands and daddy's around today ) and discussed with him off the possibility to become a gramophone office staff. But as we talked, he still preferred me on the floor. Seems to be my forte I figure?? * i wonder, if tht is good or bad news* But I told him if I were to re-join and he is actually willing to take me back again ( provided I really prove my credibility,), that i wud need one of the office area outlets.
I know many have said to me that I really gotta weigh and know my priorities. It's really one in a million to get a job u'd be happy with, and earn well, and be able to fulfil your outside commitments. How true.. and so I'm so fixated with needing 5 day work weeks, so tht I can go for church meetings, sing for weekend mweddings and masses, and work on gigs, and at the same time earn enuff to be comfortable and happy. TOUGH LUCK EH. And Wayne brought this up to me earlier, like many other good willed friends around me have. And I know it. But i went to him, for the reason off how ive been feeling this two weeks,about " if u stay in a job just for the money, and ure not happy, it will show and u will start to suck at what u do coz u dont want to perform. Where as when u do smth u like, no doubt lesser pay, u will naturally be gd at it, and everything else will fall in place. ie. the money)
I went to talk with Wayne, because I love gramophone alot. And I honestly miss my days there. Just disliked the working days and the fact tht I had no time for anything else. Working in my current place has been amking me think and miss tht enviornment alot. ( but i definitely do nto muiss the boredeom tht brooded upon us at times ). I don't know. I'm sure you can tell that I'm awfully confused. I know it's very simple actually, and a matter of deciding which I wana choose.. but YEA.
i remember too, that as much as I loved the music there, I had to leavt becoz it reminded me off him too much.
I'm gonna pray about ALL THIS I wrote tonight. I have actually bothered to proof read tonight, so *WHOA*.
All in your good hands, Lord. Only you can make me decide.
I don't wana brood anymore on whether he loved me just as much or whatsoever. It's over and I'm gonna start getting myself back onto my feet again.
BTW: I just wana say tht to ME, Corrinne May is classy and high class enuff to be done at earshot. She is my muse and I respect her alot. I know we all have our own opinions, but I really don't like it when someone else makes it sound wrong, and silly, and belittle the idea of it. Or unintentionally come across tht way. I didn't like it. If u didn't agree, u cud have had more tact saying it. HAAA. MAyBe Just MAYBE we are too alike in character, so thts why we dont realy agree on alot of things. Oh well.
